i wanted to love ya with all my heart...believe me i tried...i didnt pretend or fake it...i liked ya alot...but those words 'i love you' tasted like metal in my mouth. when ya said em to me i quietly panicked and returned em too quick...too casually...unsure yet what they meant to me. wuz this puppy love? romantic? erotic? true? FUCK. did i like ya or did i love ya...
i said em cuz ya said em. of course i felt love towards ya...how could i not...but it shoulda came naturally...its all im sayin.
end of the road (boyz to men)
did i fall outta love if i wuz nevah all in?
i knew when i stopped laughin regularly with ya we wouldnt last. id grin like usual or kinda smirk but not laugh out loud from random happiness that couldnt be contained. i didnt have the energy to fite...no desire for drama. i wuz tickin like a bomb, if we didnt pull the plug on this i wuz gonna crash and burn. i told ya what i needed...more...and MORE. i felt shy for admittin, selfish for requestin, shallow for focusin on sex but i couldnt hide it wuz important, i owed that to myself. missionary and cowgirl wuz gettin stale. me jumpin ya to get the engine started didnt work for me anymore. me cummin second, granted i let that be, just didnt cut it. i couldnt even get ya to toy with me...i wuz disappointed ya said that wuz for when ya werent round - on my own. well ya were wrong...guys DO like it...ALOT.
before he cheats (carrie underwood)
bein denied adventure took a toll on me...not to my esteem but wearin my patience thin. why should i be aggressive if ya rejected my advances to advance. how many times would i plead ya to please me before i found someone who would.
i harnessed my impulses but i wuz at the point i imagined bein with othas...albeit nobody specific. it didnt help i wuz in an environment where the boys made it obvious if they desired me. the boldness wuz refreshin...and excitin. oddly the outside stimulation filled the gap tween us to keep me temporarily content. i didnt cheat or cum close but i felt guilty enjoyin the idea that if i wanted to, i could, which bothered me alot. i recognized that i didnt wanna be a girlfriend and began to detach. ya def coulda hooked up elsewhere if the chance arose. i wuznt doin ya a favor by narrowin ya options. i benched ya when we could be in the field...scorin.
bad romance (lady gaga)
i snapped outta complacency...and snapped at ya.
why the fuck did i yell at ya...im betta than that. i wanted ya to see...to see ya were losin me. ya werent losin me to someone else...ya were losin me to NO ONE. how could ya be ok with that? i wuz frustrated and hurt...and i had to scream to show ya i wuz mad...that i dont always smile...which just made me more angry. my blood boiled cuz ya didnt get it...i wuznt askin ya to change FOR me...i wuz askin ya to change WITH me. im wisah now...i know ya werent ready...how could i fault ya for that, for maybe bein scared...or for simply not bein interested in xperimentin furtha than we had. ya were satisfied and i wuz not...theres no blame or shame.
ya called my bluff. i shed my pokah face...threw my cards showin my hand and folded but i wuznt bluffin.
dirty little secret (the all american rejects)
if im bein honest with ya...and myself...my curiosity and ya lack of, made me feel like somethin wuz wrong with me. i felt dirty...pervy...not in a good way. i didnt wanna be secretive of my buddin sexuality. i tried to look for windows of opportunity to tell ya naughty things i had tried and ones i wanted to...but those windows werent open or not wide anyways. it surprises me how we could be intimate yet a deep level of intimacy wuz absent. i know ya were teasin when ya called me a lil sex bunny...is that really sucha bad thing? i started to worry if i pushed, ya would take me as a whore and tell all ya friends what i found nerve to share. such an unfair assumption cuz ya wouldnt do that...i knew ya...not possible for ya to be malicious. i confided in ya what ya were plainly comfy with...and ya didnt break my trust.
i cant change the way i think & i cant change the way i am but if i offended ya? good..cause i still dont give a fuck. [eminem]
breakin up is hard to do (neil sedaka)
i wont be cliche and say it wuznt ya it wuz me...cuz it wuz ya...and me...not clickin, off track and outta whack.
i recall when ya came ovah to my place to talk. a grey cloud of unsaid heaviness hovered like an elephant in the room as we sat there not sayin much. finally three words that were easier to swallow came out...this is it. we wanted different things. in my opinion ya wanted a girl who wuz content to fit in a suffocatin box..in a relationship rut. i wuz no longah that girl, i couldnt lay flat, i needed to stand tall. i didnt feel bittaness or resentment cuz ya didnt keep me there...i stuck round willingly. i wanted a boy who challenged me, who seduced me, who noticed when i wanted to be caught and when i needed to be set free.
silence loudly replayed all the recent discussions we had bout 'us'. with ya beside me i still felt lonely...alone in my sorrow, mournin a death that took place weeks prior when i realized i couldnt continue in this mannah. ya bein a nice guy wuz not anuff...not for me. ya searched for a sweet girl ya could call ya otha half...who mirrored ya low key nature. i wuz ya opposite, perhaps why we attracted. would i have uttered the line ya complete me? hell no. im whole as a person. im nobodys puzzle piece and my edge wont conform. i dont wanna be cut down to size...make me the mold.
i love it spicy...ya love mild. we like what we like. we outgrew each otha...tuff to face...tuffa not to.
sorry seems to be the hardest word (elton john)
i felt the weight of the droplets on my lashes. each blink shook em off and they rolled away in crooked fashion stingin my skin with salt wash.
i kept my head down as the tears spilled, i knew i didnt look pretty...my cheeks stained raw with sadness. i bit my tremblin lip...usually that would be sexy but this time i did it to hold my imminent sobs at bay. i could feel my breathin staggah and my shouldahs shake as i forced em steady to choke the emotion i hated to show. bein vulnerable with ya wuz uneasy...maybe cuz once i let my guard down ya treat me like im gonna break. ya didnt understand someone like me needs a friend to lean on, not save me.
ya held my hand as i cried and whispered ya were sorry...i thought what the fuck are ya sorry for...we were two young adults makin an inevitable decision, one that made sense. i wanted to hit ya and hug ya, tell ya to get lost, beg ya to stay, push ya and pull ya in til this passed. i wuz torn. im not even sure why i wuz sad...we agreed, neitha of us were surprised, no one wuz goin to be. barely anyone noticed we were still datin. we did so many things separate lately that our relationship didnt end...it faded.
its silly to be lost in the loss when ya should see whats ahead to gain. im the one who is sorry...sorry i couldnt be mature to soonah say it wuz fun while it lasted but lets move on.
nothin else matters (metallica)
my body deceived my mind. it responded to ya touch.
ya could tell i needed somethin...i wanted to erase my pain and replace it with pleasure. i wuz drained. i wanted ya to fill the void of me pourin myself out to ya.
i just wanted to escape the awkward moment. ya arms coulda lifted me, carried me anywhere...but ya layed me down on my pillow...innocently maybe tho ya musta known id try...id give in to my urges. ya took ovah a year to show the initiative i wuz desperate for, ironically on the evenin we broke up.
ya pressed my ear into ya chest...sorta like forcin me to hear ya heart beat...wuz it breakin too? i wish i cared that this mite complicate...give the impression we wouldnt part and give it one more go. this woulda been my chance to say lets stop but my pussy wuz achin. i wuz awful and awfully aroused. i ignored reason...the reason we were here.
touchin on my (3oh!3)
ya stroked my hair, pullin it back away from my neck so ya could comfort me...min...its ok. i fucken knew it wuz gonna be ok...but i couldnt resist the soothin...it relaxed me. how ridiculous that sex would be the last thing i wanted to give up that nite. imagine that...sex bringin us togetha...the strongest obstacle pullin us apart.
im not proud i surrendered to the convenience of a warm body next to mine. i could ask ya to forgive me, but ya coulda said no...ya wanted me too. i knew it would be difficult to leave ya while sintoxicated. i needed to memba why...that we both deserved betta than settlin on adequacy. we didnt hafta hate each otha to break up...in fact i think it showed we cared more bout each otha that we did.
ya touched my flesh like ya wanted to memorize every inch of me. oh fuck me...that turned me on.
strangers like me (phil collins)
i got goosebumps like we had just met. i wuznt use to ya takin charge. the moments ya did, ya were fast out the gate and this lead to me bein left in the dust. now ya were gentle, aware perhaps i needed a decent amount of attention and affection.
i automatically opened my mouth and waited to be kissed. i wuz nervous this would feel cold since it wuz not passionate sex it wuz compassionate...sympathetic almost. those concerns disappeared as ya lips met mine, not strangahs...familiar. ya tongue looped inside and i stared at ya. who are ya? where had ya been? it felt new again for the initial foreplay. i liked the control i saw ya take but then ya handed it back to me. ok, i know ya.
here i go again (whitesnake)
i lifted my shirt...i wuz braless. ya cupped my small tits and squeezed while kissin my chest and my belly. my pussy wuz wet and i sat in my sweats leakin on the soft fabric linin. ya got naked on ya own and i pointed my toes towards ya. in one yank ya ripped my pants off. the air hittin my pussy kindled her as did the site of ya hardon. she didnt hafta work for it, tho rare she did, a bit of coaxin and ya rose to the occasion.
ya fingered me for awhile makin me hungry for ya dick to plunge into me and go deep. i cant complain but i wuz hopin for oral...guaranteed cum on the spot. i had gone this far i may as well be greedy for multiple orgasms.
i sucked on ya but i could tell if i licked for too long ya would xplode and i needed to fuck. luckily we were on the same page...and ya pushed my face away as precum dripped down my throat. ya rolled me on top of ya so i could straddle and ride. ya grabbin my waist titely felt secure...holdin me there while i grinded my hips to make ya groan. i dug, slid anglin my pelvis...humpin away at ya like a horny pup. i didnt form sentences...i let out moans. im not sure if i consciously held back callin out ya name...i wanted to forget mine.
ready or not. (fugees)
ya came before i did, but i wuznt far and i wuz able to collapse on ya as ya erection kept stretchin my hole open. i know it wuz odd i layed on ya stomach just soakin ya cum. i guess i knew this is it. when i hopped off i couldnt help reachin into my pussy and swishin my fingahs thru the hot mess. i would totally miss that feelin...like the warmth of a safety blanket.
ya gathered ya clothes and dressed. before doin the same, i watched ya intently. did i xpect ya to cuddle? talk some? tell me ya were ready to xplore cuz not havin me would kill ya? im not even sure how i would respond to that. we had cum to this conclusion and it felt rite. this wuz the next step...the end of our chapta in the book of min. our story played itself out with no happily evah afta...fuck...life aint a fairytale. jesus at my age serious commitment wuz not part of the immediate script. i wuz ready to conquer the sexual world unrestricted and find what i felt deprived of...knowledge. theres no limit to what i wanted to learn and maybe practice.
pursuit of happiness (kid cudi)
we went from friendship to relationship and today neitha...friendly yes, friends no. the 'anniversary' is cummin up...twelve months will have expired where i dont long for ya anymore. its been awhile since ive thought of ya. when i do...i memba the many good memories and skip thru the few bad. i wonda if ya do the same when my name cums up.
maybe eventually i will say the rest...probly not...it serves no purpose. its some of what i didnt tell ya when ya asked before leavin my bed forevah wuz this goodbye. actually it wuz hello...a wake up call. really its pretty simple...we were happy then we werent.
for what its worth, i just wanted to tell ya im able to say without hesitation those special words i shoulda long ago cuz its clear...i loved you.
i listened 2 Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Queen), Separate Ways (Journey), Roll Um Easy (Little Feat) and tons more while bloggin.
[if ya read my blog ya know its not my typical train of thought (plus likely too much information that will freak me out) but long ovahdue to clear the track.]
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