So I feel like since lately there's been a lot of new members lately I should kinda share some things about myself that older members may know.
Some days, I'm a lot of fun to be around. I'm funny and charming and I think people genuinely enjoy my company.
Then there are days where... I don't like myself very much. I feel like I'm not good enough in a lot of ways. On those days, I'm not a lot of fun to be around. It's really easy for me to take things personally and snap at people. I apologize in advance and I know that isn't something that any of you would rather deal with.
For those of you are wondering, that's not bipolar. That's depression. It's just some days I fight it better than others. I ask that you bear with me on those days and just know that tomorrow will more than likely be better.
I'd also like to copy and paste something that I had originally written in the Mental Health Forum some time ago. Now I'm not trying to tell my sob story or evoke some kind of compassionate comments from people trying to reassure me. I just don't have a lot of friends who have stuck by me in my life. I've made a few here and I don't want to lose them.
So here is what I had posted:
"You know, this might actually help some of you who I have discovered have problems with me in order to understand me better.
My whole life, I was never a people person despite my best efforts. And it seemed like the harder I tried, the more alienated I would become from people around me. Even when I had a group of friends, I rarely was part of the core group until college, and even then, only to an extent.
And then winter of 2009, I started to have these horrible headaches. Just migraines all the time from morning to night. So I went see a neurologist and that revealed a couple of things. First, I learned that the headaches were caused by huge-ass cysts on my sinuses (which they originally thought was a tumor, thank God they were wrong about that). I had surgery last May and I haven't had a headache like that again.
But secondly, I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of Autism. Basically what had happened is that when I was little, Autism was just recently coming to light and, unsurprisingly, the pediatricians in Lafayette, Louisiana, where I grew up, weren't exactly the valedictorians of their med school class. And so it went unnoticed and undiagnosed for 24 years. I mean, who the hell finds out they're autistic at 24?! Me, go figure.
So, I kinda missed out on all the ways that they teach kids how to deal with it. And of course, they're only now discovering how to deal with Autism with adults. So once again, I'm kinda on my own.
I got really depressed about it after finding it out. I had this really high IQ and stuff but I felt like that because I couldn't function well at all with people that I kinda got cheated out of my full potential. Because like my brain was using so much energy just to get me to this point where I had a high-functioning form of autism.
Like, I actually wished I had full autism rather than Asperger's, as weird as that sounds. I mean, some of the world's greatest minds in so many areas are seriously autistic. These people build stuff, create stuff, design stuff. If you read about some of these savants and what they can do, it's amazing. They are going to change the world one day. And I really always felt like I could have been or done something worth while.
But it's like my brain is like trying to do two things at once. It's trying to be smart and struggling to keep up socially and interpersonally. But the end result is that I'm mediocre at both. And those headaches made it worse. I wasn't feeling as sharp as I used to. Logic, reasoning, memorization, vocabulary, communication, etc. I was like a pathetic version of me.
I know I've come off to some of you as combative and stuff. And maybe I don't respond to people in the most well thought out ways. After 24 years, I'm really beginning to discover that the way I see the world and the way I think about things may be vastly different from normal people. And part of me knows that needs to change, but that's really hard to do. And the year since then has been a never ending struggle about that. So not to make excuses about the source of some of your contentions with me, I do ask in the future that, while I'll try to reign in the more unpleasant aspects of my personality, that maybe people can have a little more patience with me than before.
I don't normally admit all that to people. I generally just try to be me and fight through all the frustration of being me. But I'm really growing tired of that. I want friends who understand me."