Posted by HumanBreeder1973 , Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:52 PM
Had the circumcision I needed done, my first time under anesthesia - that was fun, one minute I'm getting prepped in the OR, I blink and I'm in the Recovery room, and then going home. An hour of missing time and my surgery's done. Damn aliens... Anyhow, supposedly the Doc came in and said everything went well and said she'd set up a follow up appointment in a week or two. I say supposedly because I was awake and don't remember this, apparently time slips are part of coming out of the anesthesia.
Got home, did what had to be done, no real difficulties although the stitches hurt like a bitch when something touches them or other things happen... Now, to the meat of this entry.
So here I am, 9 days after my circumcision surgery, and I am miserable! I don't mean physically although that's no picnic. I am sore, swollen and otherwise very uncomfortable, but it was a surgery on a very sensitive area, so I have to be realistic about it, I expect to feel like crap for a bit. No, the miserable part is that this surgery and the aftercare is emotionally destroying me. I just don't have the coping skills to combat the despair and depression that having this done has brought me.
I know it was medically necessary for me, I was so done with treating the symptoms and living with the Phimosis situation... I also know that everything went well, and I was apprised of what to expect beforehand. I have gotten feedback from others who have had this surgery prior to committing to it, as well as soliciting info from others who have had surgical procedures in general (this because I have never had surgery in my life before now, and was sorely - no pun intended - ignorant of what to expect in that department) since having it done, which reassures me everything is ok. I have a follow up appointment with the urologist who did the procedure scheduled for next Friday.
The thing is, every time I look down, I feel like a eunuch. Being built as I am, between the fact that I'm definitely a "grower" and that I have some fat in the general area, my penis is currently in hiding, compounded by the swelling. So I look down... and no penis. OUCH. Then there's the incessant horniness that apparently comes with getting a circ as an adult, which was already my constant condition beforehand anyway but seems to have gone from a dull background noise to a deafening roar, and the fact that I can't jerk off or have sex to relieve it (not to mention an erection is painful... very...) - so no touchee and malfunctioning hardware. DOUBLE OUCH. Then there's simply the fact that I do not handle laying around the house for hours on end well (walking and driving are possible, but hinder healing and are slightly uncomfortable anyhow) - so feeling useless, hobbled and trapped. FORGET IT, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH LEFT TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH OUCH THAT IS.
Everyone I have talked to says it's ok, it'll get better, just takes time... and I know intellectually that they're right. I know my wife loves me, and that our sex life will improve immensely when this is all over with. I also know I am not useless, not a eunuch and that this will heal. But as G.I. Joe always put it, "Knowing is half the battle." The other half is the boiling pit of emotion within me, which I usually keep locked down tight as a drum, but which right now is spilling over into every thought I have and destroying me bit by bit.
I'm a little over a week into recovery and I can't handle it...
As it is, I don't know why I'm writing this, no one seems to read this stuff and even if they do, I don't know if anyone can help... I know I just have to outlast it... like I always do when I'm anxious... but I don't feel like I can. And that scares me.
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and will be talking about this with him... but right now that feels like it's years away.
Anyway, more as the situation progresses, I guess, and if anyone CAN help... I would be forever in your debt, but I won't hold my breath.