In a few weeks, it will be two years since my last relationship. I don't remember the exact date. Now, I know many people (and quite a few on this site) have endured far longer stints of being single, but this is by far the longest I've been alone since my very first girlfriend, way back in primary school. I am in no way used to this. Let me give some perspective on my situation before I continue. My last relationship, a girl I'd been close to for 8 years and dated on and off for 3, ended badly. She slept with one of my friends, lied about it for 3 months, even when I had found out from a friend what had happened. When she finally admitted it, i ended it. Attempted to be friends, it was just hurting me more, so I severed all ties. When I left her, I told myself i was going to stay single for a year. I needed to learn how to live for myself again, to remember who I was and what the things were that I wanted and felt and thought without someone else clouding it.
At the end of the first year, I had made a lot of progress. I had learned a lot from the breakup, such as trusting my instincts because they are generally pretty accurate. I was in a much better state of mind than i had been for years, but I still didn't feel ready for another relationship. So I told myself I'd take some more time. A few months later, I was at the stage where I felt like I would be ready if something came along, but I wasn't going to go looking for it. A few months ago, I really started to feel like I now wanted a relationship, i was ready, it was what I needed. I had a crush, but that didn't work out as she was already involved with someone.
Skip ahead to now. I'm now past that point. Now i'm getting into the territory where I'm questioning myself and why it's been so long. During this 2 years, I have made out with 3 people, and had sex with one. That's it. Not one girl has shown any romantic interest in me either. So now, my typically over-thinking brain has gone into overdrive. Why hasn't anyone been interested in all this time? What's wrong with me? Am I not appealing? Etc etc etc. I'm passed the happy plateau of being ready, and into the decline of anxiety. It also doesn't help that I've had close friends break up with their partners, spend a few fun-filled months of single life having wild sex, and then get into new relationships, with me all the while stuck by myself.
Maybe the feeling of being alone is magnified by the fact none of my close friends live in the same city as me, but it's really beginning to do my head in. I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm worth anyone's time, and even question other aspects of my life because my mood is dropping and my confidence is down.
Now, the dumbest part of all of this is that I know how silly these thoughts are. I do still believe that I'll find someone, and be happy. I do still believe that I'm not an ugly waste of space with a terrible personality, even if I don't think of myself as the new George Clooney. But it's becoming harder and harder to hold onto those beliefs as the dark nights increase in number. So I guess the point of all this is that I'm not sure how to hold onto the positive stuff i know i need to focus on and fend away the negativity that ate away at me for years and years. I don't want all my progress to go to waste just because I stayed single a little longer than expected.
The other part of this is that the thought of starting something actually scares the hell outta me now. I been out of the game so long that I almost don't remember what to do. I don't remember how to make a move, don't know how to read a girls signals, and the thought of starting again fills me up with fear. I'm scared I'll just fuck it all up, that I'll be a terrible boyfriend. I mean, after all, two of my last 3 girlfriends have cheated on me. Must be me, right?
Anyway, I guess this is the end of my rant. I just needed somewhere to vent all this out, and I have too many people on facebook that I wouldn't want to hear all this. Very few people know this blog exists, so you get stuck with it. Sorry.
As I said at the start, feel free to ignore this. This was just for my own peace of mind.
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