WARNING: Readers be warned this will contain graphic descriptions of my life. Do Not Contact any MOD until you have read the entire entry.
The topic that prompted this writing was about social phobia. As I write this the adrenalin is flowing my heart racing.
I have thought and started several PM s to mods to have my "alter" account closed/removed. In the short time I have been a member here I have had a few conversations with people and earned a few badges. I rec'd a comment from a person which I (being me) took as a negative, put down, etc.
I assure you it was not meant that way.
It is sad yet funny that I need to have this extra level of anonymity in order to write this.
I live with two "diseases" uncontrolled depression - either the drug is not effective for me or I am sensitive to one or more of the side-effects.
The other is a small penis. While not medically classified as a Micropenis I am well below the average of 5.5 in. (bottom end of studies)
God does have a sense of humor...and can be a real bitch!!
As a result of these two "diseases" and a severe case of "terminal shyness" (wow a triple threat) when I reached dating age I never dated the same girl twice. The exceptions are group-dates where it is not a typical date. keep in mind this is early teens.
As to self-mutilation, intentional infliction of pain - yep been there done that. Growing up I would lie in bed at nite and would hit myself in the left temple with my right fist. Why? so I would have physical pain to justify the crying from the emotional pain. One time while so doing the build up of blood/fluid caused a tear to occur over my left eye. While I thought seriously of doing nothing I did go to the DR. stating I ran into the edge of a door. ya I know horizontal tear vertical door?
Suicide attempts? let me count the ways. First attempt was truly half-assed at best mid teens bottle of aspirin a few at a time, what was I thinking. I knew enough by then to know that a full bottle even half a bottle would probably be enough to do the job. But NOOOOO! I'm not brave enough to do it right. By this time I already had an ulcer so you can imagine the havoc played by the aspirin. The next was several years later. Lying in bed I would dry fire an empty revolver at my head, ok maybe this isn't an attempt, but still hitting myself almost nightly cuz of the emotional pain. Last attempt was sitting in my car with my revolver...let's just say when I started to release pressure from the trigger there was a moments hesitation before the hammer started slowly back down . This list does not include countless thoughts of how easy it would be while driving.
Pein rsonal Relationships -
Ok just kidding...no I'm not never had one. Had sex? yep - made love? nope Been close with women R U CRAZY!! and expose the person I am supposed to LOVE to the likes of me have you been reading this? It is difficult at best to have a relationship when the only emotion you experience is anger/sadness. Were you to meet me you would never know any of this about me. I have adapted and become an expert actor. I know how to act in most any situation. Outwardly I appear "normal", inside I am one HUGE knot of frayed, raw nerves unsure of how to act, what to say, etc..
For me the drug that finally seems to show promise in treating my depression is St. John's Whort. I am NOT saying it treats, cures, will work for you. I am saying it seems to hold promise for me.
Do I still wish I were dead? Sometimes, we all do. Admittedly I do so more often and truly mean it where most don't, but have no desire to kill my self.
Seldom if ever engage in hitting myself anymore.
I have come to terms with the fact that I will never experience love, emotional or physical, having / raising children ( can you see me as a dad!!?? Did you do drugs when you were little daddy? yep 75-100 tablets of aspirin in about 10 hrs. Did you go shooting when you were little? yeppers!! missed my head by that much.) Really?
Again I wrote this for me. The facts, thoughts, events, emotions expressed are all true to the best of my memory. If you the reader see yourself in this - PLEASE GET HELP! There are countless agencies to help you. The MODS here are FANTASTIC pm one I am sure they can help refer you. If a MOD reads this and can attach any references / referrals please do so.
You can see that I use humor to deal with and hide from where I have been. Will this be the closure that I have been told it will be? Will this allow me to move on and perhaps one day get the opportunity to experience love?
Time and God know.