I've been transferred to the closer Turkey Hill store so that I don't have to drive an hour to Hazelton now. My manager at the Hazelton store offered me a promotion to Third Key and a pay raise of $.75 (up to $8.00 from $7.25) to try to get me to stay because they have lost several people since I started working there. However, I thought about the pros and cons and estimated how much money I'd be saving on gas if I transferred, and it turned out that the raise would be about the same amount of money that I'd be saving on gas, so I decided to take the transfer and declined the promotion. It was tempting for a moment or two to take the promotion and stay in Hazelton. The promotion could have meant a way to future promotions to Assistant Manager or Manager or higher later, but the pay just isn't enough. The wear and tear on my car through the winter alone makes taking the transfer the smarter decision. Plus, I don't intend to make a career out of this job. This is just a temporary situation while I figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with my life.
Otherwise, things are going alright at Turkey Hill. Before the transfer, I failed a tobacco secret shop. I didn't card the guy because I thought he looked like he was my age, but I ended up failing the test and got a red card from the secret shopper. I was suspended without pay from work for a week and had to attend the new hire class again before I could be transferred. But I'm getting acquainted with my co-workers, and I'm getting used to the way this store does things. There are many small differences that can end up making a person feel overwhelmed. I felt like I was a brand new employee right after the transfer. I didn't know this store's procedures and couldn't find anything. I felt like kind of an idiot for a few weeks. But I'm falling in line, and I have succumbed to the routine that has become my life. Sleep, work, come home, smoke pot, eat, play video games. Sleep, work, come home, smoke pot, eat, play video games. Sleep... Well, you get the idea. This is my life now, and I'm pretty depressed by it, but I guess I've come to accept that this is the way things are because I don't see a way out of this in the near future. Mr._C. and I will be living with his mom through the winter at least. After that? I don't know.
Mr._C. is technically working, but I wouldn't say that he has a job. He's getting paid under the table because he's collecting unemployment benefits, and I don't know how long the work is going to last. Right now, he's laying down flooring in some rich guy's house. His boss said they could be in the house doing work for weeks or a month or longer, but I don't have a way to predict when Mr._C. is going to run out of work. It's nerve-wracking because I'm still not able to pay all of our bills with the money I'm making part-time at Turkey Hill and Mr._C.'s unemployment money. I want Mr._C. to get a real job, but he keeps making excuses. He doesn't have a reliable vehicle to get to and from work, so he wants to take the money he's getting paid under the table and save up for a cheap vehicle before he gets a job. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, Yeah, like that's going to happen in the next few months. He says that he wants to get his record expunged before finding a job because there's a misdemeanor on his record from before we met for pot that keeps him from getting some jobs. I've seen this happen to him before. He applied for a job at a video store when we were living in MD, and he was not offered the job because of this misdemeanor. But again, while this is a good idea and would likely help him get a job because he wouldn't be hindered by his past, he needs some money to have the record expunged. And where is he going to get the money if he's supposed to be saving up for a car and we can't pay our bills as it is?
Our financial situation is dire. I have bill collectors calling my cell phone, and I keep ignoring the calls. When it's an 800- or 888-number or if I don't recognize the number, I don't answer the phone. My credit union in MD also e-mails me asking me to call them. I know it's about money that I can't give them, so I usually ignore the e-mails, too. I did reply one time and tried to explain my situation, but I got another e-mail saying that I actually needed to call and talk to someone. I did get my student loan put into forbearance for a year, so that's one bill that I don't have to worry about. I'm going to try to do the same thing with the loan I have through my credit union. I've been sending them $100 or $200 at a time to put toward my bills with them, and from what I see online, it appears that they've been applying the money to my accounts. I'll continue to do that until I can get caught up. I have just under $1,000 in my retirement account that I haven't yet taken out to pay bills. I've already dipped into that account twice and will have to pay the taxes on that money soon because I withdrew it early. I'm dreading that. I don't think I'm going to get a tax refund this year. Mr._C. and I also won't be having a Christmas this year again. We've gone maybe three years now without having a Christmas because we can't afford to buy gifts for each other. We've gone not only without Christmas but also Valentine's Day, anniversaries, birthdays... I don't remember the last time either of us gave the other a proper gift.
We're thinking about what we have that we could sell for some money. Mr._C. is selling some of his more major tools that he has from when he was doing hotel locks and safes. He's selling some stuff to his current boss, and he's thinking about putting some other things on eBay. I feel guilty about spending any money at all, so Mr._C. and I almost never leave the house. When I'm at work and have a customer tell me to "keep the change," I've started literally pocketing the unclaimed change. A co-worker told me that she makes an extra $30 a month sometimes doing that. Mr._C. and I have even half-seriously talked about having a baby. If I got pregnant, I could get assistance for healthcare, food, housing... I don't want to have a baby just for the tax break, and I wouldn't feel right about doing that. I'd feel like a horrible person for using a baby as a meal ticket. But I see the people who come in and buy junk with their food stamps card, and I feel my mind changing. Until recently, I would have considered an abortion for an unplanned pregnancy. But if I happened to accidentally get pregnant right now, I don't think I'd be all that upset about it - I'd probably be upset at first before I realized that I could get the assistance that I need if I had the baby. Mr._C. and I have been together for more than five years and are getting married anyway, so what would be the big deal, you know? And I'd really like to be able to see a dentist because I have a few teeth that have been bothering me. But I have no healthcare right now, so I'm stuck dealing with it because I can't afford to pay for dental work.
Mr._C. and I did watch porn together for the first time a while ago. It was an interesting experiment, I suppose. We watched Jesse Jane Playful after a long conversation via text message about doing it. He downloaded some porn movies for us to choose from, and that's the only one we've tried so far. It was slightly awkward at first. We spent the first scene making fun of how fake some porn stars are and commenting on how Jesse Jane's boobs don't match her body. I think we just didn't know how to get started. Do we jump right in, or do we watch for a while? How long is too long to watch the porn movie before having sex? How much should we be watching the movie while we're having sex? Definitely more than not at all - but we're supposed to be focused on each other, right? But I guess it ended up being alright for a first time. I'd do it again for sure. I'd like to do this sometimes without it being awkward, but I think we have to go through it a few times before that wears off and we are comfortable with having porn on while we're having sex. I want to post more on this later, including our conversation via text message.
Mr._C. and I really haven't had sex lately. I'd say that it has been probably a few weeks since we last had sex. Definitely a major dry spell. Mr._C. has been using his Fleshlight, and I've been masturbating after he falls asleep or when he's not around. I've been fantasizing about one of my co-workers from Hazelton lately. We worked second shift together sometimes, and I guess we sort of bonded a little bit. Or maybe I'm the only one who feels that way. We ordered Chinese food to be delivered to Turkey Hill during our shift a couple of times, and I think we were a good team. I looked forward to working with him. I'm going to call him "K" here so that I don't have to use his real name. During my last week or so in Hazelton before my transfer to the closer store, I went out for a drink with K after work one night. A friend of his was supposed to be DJing at a bar just a couple of blocks from the store for the bar's Halloween party, and I told K I'd have one drink but had to leave before midnight because Mr._C. would be expecting me home, and I had an hour's drive ahead of me. I did only have one drink, but it was a Long Island Iced Tea, and I haven't had much to drink lately. I don't drink much, and when I do, I usually have a glass or two of wine and not cocktails, so I have nearly no tolerance for alcohol. I ended up getting way more tipsy than I thought I would, and I didn't feel like it was safe for me to drive home right away. We went back to the store after having a drink, and K bought me a chicken wrap to eat to soak up some of the alcohol. The DJ had been pretty bad, and the music didn't sound very good at all, and K said that paying for my snack was the least he could do because he now regretted even inviting me out. I thought that was very sweet. I sat outside on the curb in front of the store and ate my wrap, and we talked for a few minutes. He noticed that one of my shoes was untied, and he knelt down in the parking lot to tie it for me. He even asked me if I use double-knots. I thought that was really cute. I did eventually make it home safely. We exchanged e-mail addresses before I was transferred, but it has been a challenge to keep in touch. I'm not sure why. I did e-mail him but haven't gotten a reply yet. But anyway... He's the one I've been fantasizing about lately. I get so wet, too. I don't know if it's the taboo of him being a co-worker and someone other than Mr._C. or if it's just because I have a good imagination, but I get really turned on fantasizing about K. Sometimes I fantasize about us having sex at work without getting caught. I've just been masturbating more since Mr._C. and I haven't had sex recently. I have my period and a cold right now, so not only does everything Mr._C. does annoy me for no reason but also I don't even want to have sex because I feel like shit. I can't breathe right, and my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton balls. I don't mind having sex during my period. That's one thing. But when I'm sick? I just don't feel like it. Mr._C. is sick as well, so I don't know when the next time we'll have sex will be. I'm sure the lack of sex is fueling my depression.
Spent Saturday at my mom's with Mr._C., my mom and my brother, his girlfriend and her daughter, and my mom's boyfriend. Had a nice Thanksgiving dinner together. Then, Mr._C. and I went to see The Muppets with one of my friends since middle school. Another of my friends - my very oldest friend - is having some marital trouble. She has moved back in with her parents for now, and I don't know whether or not she's thinking about getting divorced. I'd love to be there for her, but it seems like she's not opening up to anyone about what's going on with her husband. They're both friends of mine, so I'm trying to be supportive of both of them. She's keeping to herself and staying pretty isolated, so I don't know much about what's going on. I wish I could help. This is the couple that my friends and I always admired as a relationship model. We used to say, "If S and C don't make it, then there's no hope for the rest of us." But it's now beginning to look like S and C might break up. I'm more mature now and understand that their relationship - good or bad - won't have any effect on mine, but it's a sad thing. I never thought this would happen. S and C have been together since we were all in high school, and their relationship seemed perfect. I don't think any of us saw this coming.
I feel like I'm living my life in slow motion. It's that moment when you drop a glass and watch it falling toward the kitchen floor, knowing that it's going to shatter when it hits but being unable to stop it from happening. All you can do is watch it break and clean up the mess afterward.
I feel like I'm just hanging in Limbo waiting for something to happen.
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