Mars and Venus, yin and yang, positive and negative, Kevin Costner and someone with acting skills. However you want to label it, men and women are different. Equal parts but different. These differences cannot be overlooked when trying to build and maintain a true bond with the opposite sex. One thinks and reacts completely different from the other.
Q. My SO and I seem to have the same argument every other week. It's literally the same thing over and over. Am I right when I tell her to stop bringing up the past?
A. You could not be more wrong if you were trying to wipe your cigarette while you lit your ass. This is one of the main differences in men and women. Men think here and now while women think big picture. Now, sit down, shut up, stop being so defensive, and listen to what she is trying to tell you.
Let me give you an example. I have changed the names to protect the innocent....or have i?
Tarzan and Jane have a reoccurring argument on why Tarzan spends so much time with Bubbles the chimp. This degrades into a rather large fight the ends up having nothing to do with the original complaint.
When this argument starts, Tarzan immediately goes into defensive mode and thinks, "Why Jane bring this up again? Tarzan already answered stupid questions 20 times already. Tarzan want to go swing on vine." Use your best Tarzan voice for full effect.
Meanwhile, these are some of the thoughts going through Jane's mind. "Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you tell me you love me? Why won't you just wrap your arms around me and tell me everything is ok? Why won't you make me feel special? Why won't you just tell me you are sorry and promise never to do it again? Why do you get so mad at me? Why are there always skid marks in your loin cloth? Do you not wipe?"
You see, it was never about Bubbles. Jane loves that silly chimpanzee. It was about what Jane was needing from you and your relationship with her. Women want, need, and deserve this attention. Now, stop trying to win the argument and start trying to resolve the issue.
Q. I am planning a romantic dinner at home for my wife. What should I use as the centerpiece on the table?
A. Mojojojo is not Martha Stewart! He has a deeper voice and a southern accent. But, if I must. Roses in a vase are a nice touch, but if you really want to pull at the heart strings...take some old photos of the 2 of you together, happy memories not Nana's funeral, and scatter them on the table or put them in some sort of cubed frame...but ideally, the ultimate "centerpiece" would be a hand written card that say's something like, "To the most beautiful woman in the world. Words could never describe how much you mean to me. I love you!" Or something along those lines. As a side note; you are a man. Stop thinking about centerpieces!
Q. I met this girl that I really like but I can't tell if she likes me. I mean, she'll say things like, "I don't know if this is going to work." She mentions other guys and dates she has been on or is going on, but then tells me to call her. If I don't call her, she always calls me or sends me a text after a few days. I'm confused, help!
A. OK, step back and look at the situation. If this was happening to your best friend, would you still be confused? No. She is playing a silly little game with you and it's time for you to walk away.
Q. My Mother-in-law is ruining my marriage. She shows up unannounced, always makes disparaging remarks about me, and I think is trying to cause a divorce. What can I do?
A. She may be trying to cause a divorce. She probably thinks you are not good enough for her little angel. Don't take it personal, she feels this way about everyone. In most cases, anything you do directly will only cause more friction and give her more ammo against you. The intervention has to come from her child to do any good. This usually happens with men and their mothers. Anyway, talk to your husband and ask him to help. Don't get angry and say she isn't welcome or that he can never talk to her again, etc... At this stage, you will probably lose the battle with threats. Just get him to set some ground rules. A simple phone call before coming over, don't insult you and just common courtesy. If that does not work, he will need to be more forceful. If it still doesn't work or if he will not stand up to her, you will need to remind him a few things. When the two of you got married, you became one not a trio. If he whines about not wanting to hurt her feelings, remind him that your feelings have been hurt numerous times and are still being hurt. If nothing works, pack his shit up and call his mommy to come get him. Now, you can opt to be the better person at this point, but why? When she answers the phone say, "Congratulations! You have successfully ruined our marriage and now little <insert name here> is coming back home to live with you." Hang up and throw his pansy ass to the curb.
Q. How can I tell if my wife enjoys sex as much as I do?
A. If you have to ask, the answer is she does not enjoy it as much. At least not with you.
Q. We fight all the time and just can't see eye to eye on anything. It seems we have grown apart and are completely different now. Is it over?
A. Impossible to tell at this point, are you really that different or just complacent? There are several steps that will help you determine the answer. Let's walk through them.
1. Schedule a time when the 2 of you can sit down and have an open and honest talk about your relationship. No arguing, no blaming, no agendas, no games, no bullshit. When the scheduled time arrives, if one of you happens to have had a bad day or is in a bad mood, or simply is not ready to talk yet, reschedule. We are talking about your lives here, there is no need to rush through this. But both of you must agree to the rules. This is not the time to lie only to protect the others feelings. That is just prolonging the inevitable.
2. At the sit down discussion, the first question you both have to answer is, "Do you want to save this relationship?" Notice it does not say, "try to save.." you either do or don't. Half ass commitments are useless here.
If you both say yes, move on to the next step. If one says no, it's over. Remember, this is not the time to say no just to get the other person's reaction or to see if they will beg or chase you. That's the kind of bullshit that got your relationship to this point. Have some respect for the other person, regardless of the situation.
If one says no and they do not want to discuss it, don't try and force it. Go for a walk, but I do not recommend driving.
If both say no, well, there you have it.
3. Congratulations! You both want to save the relationship and you both agreed on a major issue. Counseling can be beneficial here or try the following;
Moving right along...
Again, you need to schedule some time where the 2 of you can be alone and focused on each other. Be flexible, reschedule for bad moods or bad days or whatever but try and set a schedule the best you can. Sound silly? Maybe, but there is a very important reason for doing this. You are reopening the lines of communication that have failed. Communication is one of the most important components in a relationship.
The scheduled talks are like before, no arguing, no blaming, NO GAMES! What are you going to do at these talks? I'm glad you asked.
4. The scheduled talks, or sessions, are going to be focused on one thing. Issues in the relationship. Each of you need to come up with a list of problems that you think are having a negative impact on your relationship. Guys, you need more than one. You can even use things that you think you have done, like "I get angry to quickly when you want to talk about my hairy back."
5. Be specific with your issues. Don't say, "You're moody," instead use something like, "sometimes when you have a bad day, it feels like you are taking your frustrations out on me." Don't assume your partner will understand exactly what you are talking about. This is why it is important to be specific, but not in a way that could be taken as a jab. For example, instead of saying, "You never include me in making important decisions," try "I would really like to be included in decisions that could impact both of us. Like the time you bought the life size replica of Darth Vader."
6. Try to be positive. Positive attitudes and feelings can go a long way in mending a relationship. Even when discussing issues, putting a positive spin on it helps ease the blow to the other person and shows them that it can be corrected. "It seemed at times you became defensive instead of just listening to me, but I can tell you are really trying to change that."
7. Compliment each other on changes that they are making to help strengthen the relationship. "I'm so proud of you, you put the toilette seat down all day yesterday."
8. Listen to your partner. Even if you don't agree with what they are saying, listen and try to understand the issue from their point of view and how they could see it as an issue. Allow your partner to respond to your issue or ask questions. This is not the time to prove your point on the issue or belittle the issue. If your SO thinks it is an issue, it's an issue. You can clear up a misunderstanding. "What I really meant by that was I didn't care if you masturbated in the den, just clean your mess off the curtains when you got finished."
9. Compromise. Be willing to compromise on issue you don't see eye to eye on. Let's look at our friends Tarzan and Jane. Jane likes to eat green bananas with breakfast while Tarzan likes the yellow ones. They decided to alternate mornings, one morning they have green ones and the next morning they have yellow ones. (I know, they could have both bananas each morning but it's a simplistic example)
10. Be realistic. Don't expect things to change overnight. These things take time. Be patient and understanding during this time of change. Try not to fall in to your old habits, but it happens. Have a codeword to help remind your SO when this starts happening. Make it something you both will immediately recognize. For example, oompa loompa. Tarzan used to feed Bubbles grapes at night just to aggravate Jane. Grapes give Bubbles gas. One night she saw Tarzan doing this out of habit and she said, "Oompa Loompa," and he recognized the error of his ways.
11. Take notes or record your sessions. You may need to readdress a certain issue. If you ever get the chance to video a fight, do so. Some time later, watch the video by yourself. You will probably be ashamed of your behavior.
12. Take this serious. You made a commitment to your SO and yourself, take it serious. It's OK to admit you were wrong or that you have been a complete jackass. If after all this, you still can't get along or get to a happy medium, it may be better to part ways. At this point, if you took the above steps serious, you will know where you stand.
Q. Why are women attracted to the "bad boy" type?
A. To put it in man-speak; For the same reason men are attracted to sports cars. The inherent danger, unlimited possibilities of adventure, something different than the norm... at least until it goes too far and someone get's hurt, or worse.
Mojojojo apologizes for the length of this blog. There are things that did not get discussed and questions that did not get answered, maybe in the next blog.
As always, if there are questions or issues you would like Mojojojo to discuss, feel free to send a message, post in comments, or try telepathy. Keep in mind, telepathy can be hit or miss, Mojojojo's antennae bends to the right.
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