I'm going to try and stay on topic as much as possible, but hey who knows where my mind will take us.
Up Until very recently, I had always thought of myself as a hopeless dreamer; someone with his head too far in the clouds. I can be extremely harsh with myself, and too "realistic" when it comes to most things personal, but everything else is way off in "Never land". Events have transpired in the very recent past, that have helped me reevaluate my opinion of myself, and how i perceive the world, and people as a whole. I think most people who are going to bother reading this, already know what I'm talking about; my relationship with Jezebel.
Twenty-seven years isn't a large amount of time to have spent pondering life's little mysteries, but I believe it sufficient to have enjoyed and suffered at the hands of fate, life, and people (myself included). During this somewhat miniscule period of time, I have encounter many life situations and choices, some life altering and some mundane. I have been through a whole lot, about as much as a man can experience in his life. At least, I thought I had. I thought I knew what real emotion was, or how being loved felt. Dead wrong is an understatement.
Some of you may be completely confused by this, bewildered, maybe even down right indignant. There is the, "How can that be possible?", "Is he crazy?" "Do you really think this is real?" crowd, followed by the "Fuck you", "You ruined my fantasy", "What makes him better than me" crowd of emotionally unstable people, and then there is the smaller more respectable group of people that say "Congratulations", "I'm happy for you", "I hope things work out". Whichever group you belong too, it is important to note that I appreciate all of you.
The first group makes me want to talk about how happy I am even more, so as to share the experience and let people know that all of the logical thought and caution in the world means "fuck all" when confronted with my situation. To the second group, I keep sharing my thoughts and opinions mostly out of irritation and somewhat out of vindication. To them, in particular, I have to say thank you for hours of entertainment. It was previously unknown to me that seemingly intelligent, grown up individuals could be so emotionally insecure that their object of masturbation becomes something more. These are the people that stalk porn stars because they look in the camera and MUST BE LOOKING AT YOU. It would be sad, if it wasn't so pathetic. To the supportive group of people, it really does mean a lot to me that you're happy for us. I cherish all of your encouraging comments.
It falls on my rather overwhelmed shoulders, to try and share this experience with people. I didn't know it was possible, so I'm sure there are others. I've been jaded by life pretty much all of my adult years, and most of my teenage years. Way too much background information to explain why, but it is so, and that is what matters. Reading books, plays and poetry always left me with a longing in my heart and my soul, a longing for that connection. It's all I ever wanted, and never found. After so long hoping, praying, needing to feel a connection with someone, anyone, even if it wasn't romantic... *sighs* I'll admit, it took it's toll.
People have a really hard time believing or understanding how I could have changed my mind so quickly about life and love, with a few seemingly simple conversations over the internet. Well, I pondered this for a while myself, and then I came to the realization that I don't care why or how. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. I am a well educated, cultured man with a very firm grasp on reality, so it was just as shocking to me as everyone else that I fell madly in love the way I did. Unfortunately, you can never understand if you've never experienced it.
It is sublime truth, the holy grail, the fountain of youth, and every other legendary quest in the history of the world wrapped into one. That is the point of those legends; it is the point of love. Not "I love my best friend" love; unconditional, unexplainable, undeniable love. No rhyme, reason or theory can do it justice. When you know you can trust someone, when you know they love you, when you know you'd crawl through hell on your hands and knees just for the chance to keep him/her safe, then you know how I feel. Accept it, or don't, I'm not asking for your blessing. I'm telling you something at this juncture.
Now that this has turned into more of a rant than anything else, I'll log off now and post something more uplifting tomorrow.
Thanks for reading.