I thought I might tell you a little bit about what has made me the way I am. I am damaged goods, and as with everyone many things have effected and changed the person I am not, from the blank slate I was at the beginning of my life. So why am I damaged goods... that's simple, Life did it, but if you want more it's a little more complicated.
The first issue was when I was born. The start of my life and the start of the damage, it's not a sad event it's not a disaster, but it helps to show the origin point for some of my issues. When I was born, I was choked by my umbilical cord, and suffered a little bit of damage... I also caused such severe damage to my mother that for the first 8 months of my life, I would be essentially separated from her and solely looked after by my father while she was treated for severe internal injuries and infection, due to complications.
I blame this as the original building blocks for both some of my more clinging behaviours, and my abandonment issues in relation to women.
I was unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, not mentally damaged by my lack of oxygen at birth, at least not intelligence wise, once psychologist suggested I might have mild autistic spectrum disorder in relation to social interactions, but well, that's that.
I was intelligent at school, smart enough that I rebelled against the school in my first few years and got very low marks, and the school constantly had my parents in. I refused to read and was labelled as special needs, and I wrote all my numbers backwards in maths and was labelled dysiographic. Later it was found out I was just bored out of my skull.
I was lonely at school, I didn't have many friends, and I was a bit of a freak, by my third year I was far taller than I should have been, and much skinnier, with big glasses, I was protected from bullies by a girl at the school... which didn't help my social standing.
My mother was arrested for minor fraud when I was 9, and here came the second issue that leaned me towards being clingy and fear of abandonment in my opinion. My mother was sentenced to 12 months in prison, my father was working from 7am to 8pm to keep us at home and fed etc, and my brother and sister were both in highschool while I was in primary school. So each day at 7 am, I was dumped at a primary school alone. This was compounded by the fact I had to change schools to a school on my fathers route to work, so he could drop me off on the way there, both my siblings had to do the same, but they had each other.
My mother also suffered from a mental and physical set of disorders that culminated in her dislocating my wrist during an argument. It was always me that argued with my mother, because despite the fact both my brother and sister were older, if my mother caused a serious issue, like making my sister burst into tears and start scratching at her arms, my sister would cry, my brother would lock himself in his room, and I would be left to man up and go get my mother to realise what she was doing.
I kind of shut down, as a child.
I've always been told I was ugly by local girls, laughed at, teased and rebuked. I was never cool enough to have a girlfriend in those early years, and I was easy prey for girls to use as a way to boost their own social standing by taking the piss out of me.
I had a nice relationship (A little co dependant, and self destroying in hind sight), and found karate, both of which were great things in my life. My mother stabilised after a hystorectamy and a radical spine reinforcement and support operation. Things stabilised a bit.
My relationship fell apart, I became clingy and desperate, I made several bad choices, and ended up hurting myself far more than she ever did because of my own stupidity.
My genetics caught up with me and juvenile arthritis damaged my chances of ever being a champion karate practitioner. And my skin and asthma, always a source of pain and problems for me since I was 4, got worse, combining together to make me highly depressed.
I retreated from social lives IRL primarily, and settled in to being an internet personality. I was already a member of the furry community, several forum communities and groups. The furry community, supported me, and helped turn me into the fucked up pervy rabbit anthropomorphic, that so supported me that I adopted my rabbit avatar all over the internet, in any community that would accept it.
I have a mild autistic spectrum disorder according to one psychologist. I have an anxiety and depression issue based around changes to my environment, which means that I have become a bit of a hoarder and experience severe emotional swings when I have to throw away things, though I am smart enough to recognise this and I am controlling it myself.
I constantly bleed from my feet and hands due to my eczema.
My asthma has gotten progressively worse, and all the work I did to counter it as a teenager feels useless.
My hips will lock if I do certain karate movements.
I have a fear of abandonment, and a general fear of being locked into a relationship or intimacy with a woman for fear of abandonment. to the point where I dislike the L word, and replace it with luff, because of the connotations of the L word.
I am slightly frightened of large groups of people, to the point where if I go to a shopping centre at peak times, and it's packed with people, I will go home and wait till there are gonna be less people there.
So I am damaged goods. I hide behind cuddles, and noms, and being a rabbit because I am frightened. I spend most of my time online because it makes me safe. I hide behind a mask of distance and fake rabbit shaped persona because it makes me feel like I am more likeable, more approachable, and like it is harder for me to be accepted and hence harder to be rejected.
I CRAVE, praise, attention and recognition but never feel that I actually deserve it if I get it. I am a point who, rep whore, reply whore, and friend whore for this very reason.
I am in a relationship with a woman in australia, and I really want to go stay with her but I am deadly afraid of what will happen to the point where I hurt in my chest.
When I think about my ex I get the urge to use a blade on my arm... but I am too frightened of my own blood.
Sincerely Attalim "Damaged goods" the bunny.
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