I can answer all of these questions, but its really kind of wierd. I know that during the time that we are having rough sex I am on the edge of a cliff looking down. I try to creep as close to the edge as I can. I want to go over the edge to feel like I am flying. (at least till I hit bottom). I can feel my feet slipping on the rough rocks. I can see myself falling, and landing. I dont understand it, but I can explain the why of it.
Afterwards I am so drained. All of my senses are on hyper mode, but I feel like I cant move. Every muscle in my body aches, yet yearns for more. Emotionally everything is gone. No stress left, no sadness just a nothingness. It takes days to feel like myself again. During which I really dont want to have to make any decisions. I dont trust this other self that I have become. I feel like I would betray myself if given the chance. I think most think Im just going through a dpressive mood during this time. I know I am not, this is the happiest I am during this recovery phase. Watching all the bruises fade, the muscles relax. This can take a day or a week. I cant control how long it takes, but I wont rush it either.
Then the next phase starts the one that my other self takes over. The self that asks why all the time. The one that is scared of what happened. Worried that the next time I will go over the edge, and fall into nothingness for good. This is the time that I do get depressed for a few days. Most dont realize it at this point. No one sees the tears. Even if they did I wouldnt admit what they were for. I know that in a few days I am going to hunger for the pain. Then the hunger will get too intense, and if the pain doesnt come soon I will implode upon myself. My desires are getting worse, you are never home enough. I know when you are I will be sated until next time. How long will this last? I really dont know. Is this healthy? I cant see how it is, other then the happiness, and release I get.