Well my birthday is coming up. In afew weeks, I will be 24, but what do I have to show for it? If I were gone tomorrow, what kind of impact would I have left on the planet? Would I be missed? No, I'm not thinking of ending my life, it just made me stop and think, what is my legacy?
Well, life so far has been a major rollercoaster for me. I've had more bad luck than most, but I've gotten through. Without going into too much detail, this is me, the high and low lights.
I was born 6 weeks early because one of my dad's friends pushed my mum down a flight of stairs, he was annoyed that my dad wasn't going to be partying anymore and wanted to do something about it. Evidently I survived, but it was touch and go. When I was 8 weeks old, just before christmas, my dad held me for the last time until Dec 2009, when it was him in hospital not me, but thats later in the story. My premature entry into the world kinda set me up for a rough life.
Mum always blamed me for dad leaving, she felt like life was passing her by and she took it out on me. As a result, I would get away with her parents or sisters as often as possible. I know things weren't easy on her, being a single parent, but it's not excuse for the way she treated me. Plus being a premy, I wound up with alot of health problems during the developmental stages of my life, hearing problems mostly, and starting puberty incrediably early (I wasn't quite 9 when i got my first monthly) but I perservered through it, knowing I wasn't normal, but also knowing there wasn't anything that was going to change it so I could wallow or get through.
I didn't have many friends really, the few I had always spent school holiday's elsewhere, so I immersed myself in books and school work and developed a very high IQ as a result and I was invited to join Mensa at age 12. But a serious medical issue meant treatment that resulted in partial brain damage, I'm not retarded but I do have memory problems and a massive IQ drop as a result. This frustrates me more than anything else in my life. I know my brain used to have the mental capability to handle so much more, and even though I'm still smart, I'm not as smart as I was, and sometimes I cry over it and feel like beating my head against a brick wall. Despite this, I still managed to get into an accelerated learners program (post brain damage) at high school (HS in australia is ages 13-18) and loved it. But further health issues made me leave mainstream schooling and into distance education, allowing me to study from home and concentrate on my main passions, English, History and Psychology.
I wanted to be a profiler. Ever since seeing the TV Show "Profiler" I'd wanted to become a profiler, and got seriously into true crime, especially serial killers. I know, it's freaky, an 11 y.o reading Murdercase Books and watching documentaries on Jack the Ripper and Ted Bundy, but I'd found my passion and was determined to do it. But I had to take a year off school, alot had happened in my life and I had a breakdown, things I don't want to go into detail here. I returned to my school work and excelled with psychology and by age 16 I was already doing university level criminal psychology and studying actual casefiles, closed ones, but still, reading actual police reports and crime scene information - I was in my element!
2004 I took a sebatical from psych, I couldn't advance any further for a year because you had to be over 18, so I went and got full training in floristry and small business management, just incase I needed something to fall back onto, but I suffered two major set backs before the end of that year. I had alot of difficulty making bouquets, my hands couldn't handle holding the flowers for so long for two reasons, I have serverely damaged wrists and have joint pain related to long term Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I also found out I couldn't take my Crim Psych study any further due to my mental break earlier in my life. I was devistated and moved interstate to start fresh.
This was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I met a guy, we moved in together, and I became his punching bag. 12 trips to the hospital and one near death experience later, I couldn't take anymore and tried to end my life. After recovering from that, I sucked up the courage and came back home. This wasn't the best time of my life for sure, but this was when I started branching out on the net, making alot of friends overseas, Attalim being one of them. While it sucked that all my friends were in different timezones, it felt great just to have people to talk to.
So here we are now, 2010. I'm unemployed due to a serious back injury and spend much of my time at home. I don't have many friends in the country, let alone this town, but there are people I catch up with in certain social circles, such as trivia group and basket ball fans and football fans, but none of them I'd call real friends, just acquiantences. I figure life can't get much worse, so it's time to focus on the positives and make life work for me!
Alot of crap has happened, but so has alot of good. Just before my 7th birthday, my aunty gave me the best present ever, my cousin J. I was an only child and longed for some companionship outside of a book, so I was over the moon when J came along. But it took alot out of my aunty, 47hrs in labour and it almost killed her. She was really sick for the first year of J's life, so I took on alot of responsibilities. Feeding, changing, burping, bathing,etc...I learnt how to do it all and did it with pride. Three years later aunty D had another boy, my cousin L. Labour wasn't long at all this time, 15mins from waterbreakage to delivery he was literally born in the car park of the hospital! But it took it's toll on D, so I took care of both J and L. It was challenging but fun and I wouldn't change a thing about it. It gave us an unbelievable bond, beyond cousins, or even siblings, it's indescribable. Even though they moved 5 years ago to another state, everytime we do see eachother, it's like we just saw eachother yesterday. J recently turned 17, it's hard to believe he's grown so quickly! He's become a great young man and recently gave a speech at school about role models, and it was about me. I bawled my eyes out when i saw the video of it, coz he said he didn't know where he'd be without me. L later said he felt the same way.
Alot of the other major up's in my life have been related to football, but I will post them in another blog another time. Without a doubt the biggest positive in my life happened in August 2009. I received a message from my dad on myspace, the first communication I'd ever had with him. I'd grown up believing dad didn't want me, that's why he left. But hearing his side of the story really opened my eyes. Dad was a roughhead, hung out with bad sorts, as alot of people do when they're younger. But mum was changing him, they first met when mum was 18 and dad was 20 and started dating. They got engaged and found out mum was pregnant, they were over the moon. Dad's mates thought he was turning soft and needed to be toughened up, which is when one of his 'friends' pushed mum and made me come out earlier than expected. Dad felt so guilty about it, he didn't see me til I was afew days old, still in a humicrib under the lights due to my liver nto being fully developed. He couldn't stand seeing me like that and left. Mum went back to live with her parents when she brought me home and told dad they were breaking up, she didnt want to see him because of what his friend did. Dad understood and said goodbye to me for the last time for almost 23 years. He left the state and had another family, 2 girls and a boy, who grew up knowing all about me. Dad had kept his distance but kept tabs on me.
He finally decided to contact me and I was so happy he did, I'd always wanted to know him. Mum has disowned me for it, but we've never had a great relationship, it hurts but I've dealt with it. I'm now getting to know my dad and we get along well. I met my sisters Big S and Lil S and brother K. K and I look so much alike it isn't funny! It's an amazing feeling though because I've never looked like anyone in my mum's family. Big S has a daughter so I'm an aunty! Something I didn't think would happen for me. Bubba D is a little shy with me, but we've only spent a little bit of time together. I was going to meet my dad when he had a massive heart attack and almost died, he was on life support and I was told by his doctors "come and say goodbye" I couldn't believe it, I'd only just found him and was about to lose him. Mum was against it, but I flew to the top of the country to say hello and goodbye in the same breath. Big S and I walked into intensive care hand in hand, I was shaking and crying and could barely walk. Seeing him rigged up to machines, it wasn't the way I'd wanted to see him, but didn't want to miss the chance to be around him, if only for afew moments to say goodbye. He'd been clinically dead for 20 minutes but was revived and was now, from what they could tell, brain dead, never to recover. Big S and I, as his eldest kids, had to make the gut wrenching descion to pull the plug.
Before they did I held his hand and told him I was sorry but that I loved him. They pulled the plug then he squeezed my hand and whispered "I ain't going nowhere yet girly.' The old bugger pulled through. His doctors still can't explain it! He's fully recovered and getting ready to walk Lil S down the aisle early next year. He tells everyone it was me, I saved him, gave him the reason to keep going. I'm just glad to have a second chance with him.
So life hasn't been great so far, but I'm going to make a real go of it step by step. First step, get my back better. Next step - watch out UK, here I come!