Posted by tonyp , Thu Dec 31, 2009 03:00 PM
That conversation reminded this morning of a time years ago when my wife and I were trying to have our first child. We were not having much luck …it took us 5 years to finally get there. There was no joy in the sex; it was mechanical – mandatory, prescribed and clinical. Take temperature, insert, squirt, raise legs, next day same, squirt, squirt, squirt. Then wait and test. It was awful. But then finally one day it happened, we got pregnant and we were elated. But our elation was short lived. Sadly . . . . . no, tragically …… we lost the baby at four months. We were devastated. I was afraid to go to work as I didn’t want to leave my wife home alone and we were new in the community we were in. It was remote and far from friends and family and she didn’t want anyone to come up and be with her. It was just us. So I stayed home for a week holding hands, talking and commiserating. I felt awful. There is no way however that I could feel as awful as she did. A guy can never feel the profound loss of miscarriage as a woman can to say nothing of how is screws up women’s hormones. Beyond the loss of the baby was the violence of the experience. I was there with her when everything let go. It was bloody, there was a lot of blood and it was all over the place. I was scared shitless. I thought I was going to loose her. That image was in my mind when I brought her home from the hospital. I was worried about her mental and physical state.
The violence of it jarred me. Here she was my pretty young girl with that shapely, innocent girlish body and something very horrible and vile had happened to her body. I felt like nature had violated her. They say that “Time Heals all Wounds”, and it did. But Mother Nature also has a way of saying I am sorry. We got pregnant within three weeks of the loss. The docs said that women are most fertile after a miss. The next months were nerve wracking waiting to get past that awful point in the last pregnancy when we lost it. We did make it past that point and the pregnancy advanced normally, but we didn’t know what that meant then …despite the doctors assurances, so we still worried.
Finally as things progressed her belly started to swell. She was (is) thin so the bump was noticeable immediately. I learned to look at her in a whole new light. Pregnant was sexy. There was something about being intimate with a pregnant woman …it was right but somehow it still seemed a little wrong. That made it sexier and more forbidden.
As my anxieties lessened they were replaced by what can only be described as a mixture of amazement, wonder and lust. I was amazed at this miracle of life that was unfolding before me and I had a hand in it, or should I say I had a penis in it. I watched not only her belly grow, but her breasts were changing dramatically in physical and sensual ways both inside and outside. They swelled to an unbelievable size for her body. They made her look really voluptuous and hot. Suddenly the pale skin on her breasts revealed blue veins running to her nipples. Her breasts were full and they hung much heavier on her chest. Her nipples themselves darkened into a purplish hue and they grew, across and they stuck out. I can only describe her breasts as looking like really really ripe fruits. It was amazing and very erotic.
As her nipples grew, she described them as feeling bruised on the inside and itchy on the outside. A local midwife told us that massaging them would alleviate the pain and the itching could be managed as well. I gladly volunteered for the job of massaging them. In my youthful exuberance I naively thought that this was just pure fun …rubbing boobies!!!! Whoopee!
However what I quickly learned was that this was a very moving - warm and giving experience. It was moving and it made me understand my responsibility as a partner in taking care of her complex female machine. I came to feel really good about taking care of her ….. but I discovered that it was really erotic too.
All the sex for sex sake to make a baby that had dominated our lives was gone. We were there already we had made the team. We could enjoy sex for the expression of sensuality that it was. The job now was to care for and tend her needs so that she could do this important and hard thing …build a healthy normal human being, finger-by-finger and bone-by-bone. I wasn’t able to do it but I could help her as she did it, and I could be sensitive and understanding and supportive. And I did that.
But those were not only her breasts … those were her tits. Those were the sexy hot things that were a major part of our foreplay …the irony and the juxtaposition of their roles was really perplexing to my young male mind which was raging with hormones. I had to now look at them differently, and as I looked at them differently I saw two sensual parts of her as opposed to being two sexual objects. I soon came to appreciate that these glorious and changing parts of her were sexy but in an awe inspiring way.
We were able to get a balm that was prescribed to help the itching, the pain was to be resolved by massage. So every morning we used to lie in the bed and I would open the buttons on the front of her night gown in amazement and part the nightgown to reveal these beautiful large breasts that were growing and literally ripening to produce the milk that would sustain our soon to be born baby. I would stare at them as they seemed to change each night developing some new characteristic or color . . .but mostly they just grew.
She would lay there in bed she with her nightgown open and me in pajama bottoms and no shirt. She would lie in my arms while I applied this gel to her breasts. As with a sore muscle the massage of her nipples felt wonderful to her but tender as well. I had to learn to use a firm stroke but be gentle with this most tender part of her. I was in awe of the responsibility and the nurturing that was required of me …this was new. Mostly I was in awe of her beautiful breasts. For her these morning massage sessions became almost addictive. As soon as we woke up she would reach for the tube and give it to me to put in my arm pit to warm up. Sometimes I would fall asleep with it in my armpit and she would prod me and wake me up to tend to my task. I would deftly and lovingly apply the crème around her areola first then on the tip of the nipple itself. After it was on I would lightly spread it around on the almost painful nipple. The process of lightly spreading it – rubbing it into the areola felt unbelievably good to her, she laid back in my arms and visibly relaxed, in essence surrendering her breasts for me to care for. I felt trusted and good about this moving responsibility I had been given, but I couldn’t help but be aroused at he same time. I realized that I was aroused by her response as much as I was by the beauty in this beautiful changing part of her anatomy.
Once the balm had been spread out I then began to do a kneading motion starting at the outside of the areola and lightly pressing and squeezing the entire nipple until I was at the tip. Then I would gently pull and squeeze and stretch the entire nipple. The effect on her was unbelievable it both hurt and felt good. It became highly erotic. The feeling she described was that of rubbing a sore muscle …but in this case it was a very sensitive – erotic part of her body. She would sigh and snuggle up to me and rest her head on my shoulder, as I would continue to knead and squeeze her nipples. Sometimes she would fall asleep as I kneaded her nipples. Many times however, by the time we finished her nipple massages we found ourselves both really really horny. Many times the massages led to sex …but not the hard athletic sex we used to have …this was slower and gentler. It became an extension of the nipple massages.
Because of her ungainliness she would lay cross wise on the bed with her pussy at the edge of the bed her legs hanging over the side at her knees. I would stand between her legs and slowly enter her.
I noticed early on that not only were her breasts changing but her vagina was changing as well. This was my introduction to the miracle of the ever changing vagina. Her inner lips were darkening and they were fuller and plumper. She had what we used to call discharge but it wasn’t unpleasant …it was thick and ivory – very pearlescent. She was really juicy but most notably she was hot as hell inside her vagina as well as being very erotically sensitive. I noticed toward the end of the pregnancy that her clitoris was even more prominent and much more sensitive
During this time we never used lubricant for sex, I would glide right in and revel in the heat of her vagina. She was literally like a hot wet oven. I would sway my hips back and forth as I slowly slid in the out of her. Lying on her back was now the only way she could lay down as her belly was so large. Many times I would massage her belly with a lotion that was supposed to reduce stretch marks. It certainly felt good but she got stretch marks anyway. We would do this relaxed sex and massaging as if we had all the time in the world; even when I had work. Many times I was late for work because we decided that this was our time and it was a wonderful time. She would get these repeated orgasmic quivers that would induce sighs and quivers not hard spasms. She would have many of them as she lay there lost in the feeling of my penis massaging her deepest inner folds and the sensitive flesh inside her vagina. Of all the sex I have ever had …this was not earth shattering, but rather it was soothing and gentle. It was almost magical and other worldly as I literally massaged the inside of her vagina with my penis. She would close her eyes as I slid back and forth hypnotically inside her transporting her to somewhere but where she was I never knew.
I came to appreciate that in this gentleness there was true eroticism. I came to really appreciate the eroticism and ripe full beauty of her transformed body that tasked with this highest of responsibilities making our baby.
We would both ride on her gentle orgasmic waves as she wafted from one orgasm to the next. It was gentle like a ride on a carousel until the time for my orgasm would come. Then awakening both of out of our reverie my orgasm would hit. Mine was not gentle like hers unfortunately; I would cum in a torrent. Usually because we were at the edge of the bed her copious vaginal fluids and mine combined in her vagina was more than it could hold and she would spontaneously empty her sex and swollen vagina onto the floor as soon as I pulled out of her.
We maintained this regimen until her last 6 weeks then fucking just became too uncomfortable. But Mother Nature is ironic and wise, although fucking was out of the question, my wife was just as randy as ever …maybe more so. This was the beginning of my PhD in Vaginal Studies … or more appropriately: Cunnilingus and How I learned to Love Vaginas and Vulvas. Although having something inside her didn’t feel great, her inner lips and external girl parts were very sensitively sensual and aroused a lot of the time.
This is when we would assume the position mentioned earlier and I would lower my face to her very wet folds and lick and suck them. This became very much like the breast massage …she could rest and relax as I gently and lovingly suckled and licked her glistening dark pink vagina. My sucking often turned to kissing, I found myself literally making out with her vagina. She reveled in the feeling and the attention I was giving to her incredibly sensitive genitalia; I certainly did enjoy it. Her clitoris was so sensitive I often couldn’t stimulate it directly. This when I learned of her love to have her clitoris softly and repeatedly be kissed, but only very gently. She was usually so turned on that just repeated butterfly kisses on her clitoris would invoke very deep and satisfying orgasms. And because the stimulation was so light she would orgasm gently and many times. This was her first introduction into fmo’s. Because her vagina was so juicy her orgasms always resulted in her cum drooling onto the floor as the orgasms grasped her vagina. We soon had to put towels at the edge of the bed to catch her oozing cum.
Neither of our other two pregnancies were every like that again. I always think back fondly of those lazy morning nipple massages and the slow erotic sex and cunnilingus sessions we had. I think back on the magic effect her pregnancy had on her body and how it changed her breasts and vagina. I think back on that unique taste of her vagina and her thick precum and cum.
That entire first pregnancy showed me for the first time that female genital anatomy was this amazing paradox of sex, magic of creation, sustenance of life and magic of human function. It was sexy, magical but holy at the same time. It was a true pardox.
Things went on and life continued, kids grew up etc etc and everything rolled along until in 1992 when at a routine visit my doc told me that something was up with my heart; he saw something on an ekg and he didn’t like it.
I got referred to a cardiologist who told me after many tests that my mitral valve was starting to fail and if that wasn’t bad enough my cholesterol was thru the roof …like 445 and my triglycerides were 970. When the cardiologist looked over his glasses at me and looked at my chart with family history. “ Your father died at 49 years old of a heart attack I see” he said to me. “I can tell you what he probably died of . . hereditary hyperlipidemia … what you have. How old are you now?” he asked me..my heart sank and I looked down at my lap and said: “I just turned 49”. His response was …”someone up there likes you, you are lucky to be alive …your family history doesn’t bode well for you unless you change things”.
My mitral valve turned out to be a problem that only required monitoring every 6 months; there was no emergency. However, I went on a crash course to get control of my cholesterol. It involved drugs, exercise, strict diet and no more alcohol of any type. In six months I lost 40 pounds and 5 inches off my waist. I was back to the shape that I was as a kid. Most importantly my numbers were great. Thus began my new healthy lifestyle. I ate less than 15 percent of my calories from fat, I worked out every day, did backcountry camping for 4-6 days with a 40 lb pack on my back and didn’t ever drink again . . .wine, beer it was all-verboten.
All was well until January 2004. I travel a lot for work. In January of 2004 I had a series of appointments and training in Portland Oregon. I would be there for two weeks. I went out excited that I was going to see the Northwest for the first time and it would be a grand adventure. It was until the beginning of the second week. I felt fine but I had no energy. By the end of the second week I could barely get out of bed. I knew something must be wrong but I didn’t want it to go wrong 3000 miles from home . . .so I cancelled the rest of the stuff I had scheduled and booked an early flight home. I got on the plane and made it home.
When I got home it was 3:00 in the afternoon. I didn’t tell my wife but I was barely able to drive to the hospital by the time the plane landed. I called my wife and I went straight from the airport to the hospital. After being admitted, they gave me the verdict. My mitral valve had blown out but it may be salvageable. More amazing . . .that even after twelve years of healthy living I had three blocked arteries. To save the valve and do all the other extra work in the risky state I was in my cardiologist wanted me in the best place in the world for what I had: The Cleveland Clinic. So after an all day ambulance ride I was in Cleveland.
The next day they did urgent surgery. They reconstructed part of the inside of my heart, repaired the valve, sewed in a Dacron support implant and did a triple bypass.
I came out of ICU with tubes and wires going everywhere out of everything in my body.
I had survived . . .but there was recuperation .
I remember on my third day in the hospital everything but an external pacemaker was removed so I could move around. Yea right. I felt like I had been hit by a bus, I could barely move in the bed. Within an hour after they removed the catheter, my pipes started working and I had to go pee. Crap I thought!
I could barely stand …but they wanted me walking. So I was told when the time came I was told I should call the nurse.
My life changed in the 15 feet between my bed and the bathroom that day. I was very lucky I had all the same nurses during the two weeks I was there.. I got to know them all ….they were all incredible.
I called the nurses station and told them of my plight. Now as I said before I am a big guy …6’ 6’’ and 240lbs. My nurses were all between 5’ 3” and 5’7”, none of them were very big …this was the advanced cardiac ward …people didn’t move around a lot in here. So they did not have a lot of large ladies or male nurses. It would take two of them to get me upright and into the bathroom. The two that came in were 2 of the most wonderful young women that I had ever met. One was in her late 20’s the other was in her early thirties I am guessing. They were both smart as hell and I liked them and trusted them both a lot.
Before I go any further I should mention that as some of you know when you are running on one cylinder there is no such thing as modesty. When they pulled the covers off of me what should they reveal but my version of a tent in my hospital bed. My penis was raring and ready to go. . . fully erect. As I have said in earlier posts… when I am erect I am a little ungainly down there. Nurses see these things all the time I know … but this had the challenge of helping me maneuver to sit on a toilet (they wouldn’t let me stand) and force, bend twist or whatever I had to do to get this monster to go in the direction that it needed to go underneath me on a small toilet seat. It wouldn't work. I was exhausted frustrated, discouraged and standing there virtually naked and helpless as a baby in front of two very nice looking women. I was it was taking every bit of energy I had to just stand. I had no energy to deal with the absurdity of the situation. I almost cried. “What the hell good is this damned thing anyway I am going to be pretty much useless” I said. One of them saw I was almost about to lose it and went and got one of the juggy things for guys to pee in. I managed to pee sitting on the edge of the toilet into that thing as they stood there …they couldn’t leave me. Talk about embarrassing.
Then, totally exhausted I managed to get back in the bed leaning on them; more appropriately they almost carried me back. When I was settled in one of them sat on the edge of my bed and the other was standing next to my head and they gave me what can only be called a stern talking to.
The gist of it was that I was lucky and that I should not throw away this chance I was given. They finished with the tongue in cheek comment that god gave me that piece of equipment that I should use it. And not use it but appreciate it as well as appreciate the rest the rest of my life.
I slowly got my strength back and I was discharged ten days later. It was a long recovery indeed. There were all kinds of milestones to reach and all kinds of rehab exercise. At 8 weeks I was given the ok for gentle sex. When that time came we planned for what would happen. All of a sudden it harked back to the days of pregnancy for my wife. I laid back in the bed and did what she did before me. I trusted her and I gave myself to her. I laid back on the bed nude, and she gently took my flaccid penis in her mouth. She gently sucked it. I was nervous about this, my nerves made in hard for her to get me hard, but she did mange to get me hard enough. Then she straddled me cowgirl style and ever so gently slid me into her vagina. This would be the most stress that I would put on my heart so far. But ever so gently she pulled on my penis with the tight muscles in her vagina. As she pulled she kept one hand on my chest feeling my scar, but in reality I knew that she was monitoring my heart. She was gentle but erotic at the same time. Soon I was hard as always. Fortunately for me not having had sex for almost three months . . . it wasn’t hard for her to get me to ejaculate. And the ejaculation itself wasn’t hard. either It could best be described as cumming in a very pleasant way. But …. Hey …. I came and I didn’t die. I was happy
So here I am exactly 6 years later in a few weeks. I am in incredible shape… I run 3 miles every other day. I work out for an hour each day. No booze still (sadly). I eat really healthy but what about the charge the two nurses gave me? I took it to heart.
Life is short. I am lucky and healthier than I ever have been. I think back on the erotic and gentle sex of my heart surgery and our pregnancy. I think of the joy that one person (me) can give to another (a woman) in the expression of our humanity thru a gentle fuck and sometimes a not so gentle fuck or maybe the sharing of male and female genitalia. But most importantly I learned the importance of sensuality, giving, feeling and caring.
My life is good and oh yes …. the sex is incredible.
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