My Quest first started in late grammar school, noticing changes in my adolecent physique.
Flash forward to HS; I was raised in a fairly strict Catholic/Religious family. Taught that sex was a Sin until Marriage,
I was a virgin until my senior year. I had a few "girlfriends" in HS, most were short lived train wrecks, one made it
to the kissing and light petting stage, and only one that had any sort of sexual relations [we were both 18].
I didnt have an opportunity to explore who I was becoming.
I couldn't really talk to my parents about what was "bothering" me, that way.
Mom has a great Sense of Humor, would tell me jokes of a "crude" sexual nature but...
Mom was open to some topics but after insinuating what was wrong, I got the impression that she really didn't want
to be having this conversation with Her oldest "child".
My Dad is very stoic and openly homo-phobic (at the time), I'm not sure if it was growing up on the farm in the era he did
or if it was the Military that bashed emotion from from his psyche, was pretty much unaproachable on any topic that was not Utilitarian.
I struggled to define who I was. I was very rebelious [marched to the beat of my own orchestra], not a trouble maker, but... definitely gave them grief.
The small town I lived in was a very conservative and clique-ish community, if you were a Jock you were a Golden child.
I....... was a band geek, nerd, anti-social who had few true friends [I still have most of them left!]. An Outsider, not really
an outcast, just wasn't a "Cool Kid".
My acquaintances (people I hung out with, but not close enough with for "deep" conversation) weren't a viable option.
The true friends I have will give you the shirt off their back, bail you out of Jail [or be sitting next to you], be there for you from
literally states away, but we didnt have a deep emotional connection, or at least I didn't. Most of the people I hung out with were
female, my friends were all male. Occationally we would have light discussions of sexual topics, mostly niave HS bull-shit, who was
dating who, what sex acts had you "performed", etc. But nothing about personal feelings/tendancies ever came up.
There was no Internet yet, the BBS was it, and with all those long distance charges that was out of the question!
So I didn't have this resource to find others with similar tendancies.
I felt very alone. Worst of all, because of a mis-understanding and Social Taboo, the one person I could have talked to about
this topic, I alienated.
He was a flamboyant person, not openly gay, but very grandios. He started out as a "friend of a friend" and eventually
an acquaintance. We had many long conversations the 3 of us, My backyard neighbor, Him, and Myself.
There was an incident at school where he Jokingly asked me out to prom, and it spread arround like a fire in bone dry grasses.
Things got out of hand and he was Labeled "Gay", whether or not He actually is I still dont know.
When I said "the town I lived in was conservative" I should have said "Homophobic". He eventually had to move to a different
school district because of all the harrassment from the "Jocks".
He blamed me for not "squashing" the rumors early, but I did try. I told people "the prom invite was a Joke".
People let the rumors fly anyway.
The really sad part is, I "Liked" him, but I couldn't admit it to myself, out of fear [my Dad would have lynched me] and religious dogma.
I still "Believed" at that time. I have since changed my mind. I can be spiritual, not religious.
I was flattered he asked me, I even for a very brief moment almost said "yes". Looking back I think He may have been the first Male
that I found attractive on a sexual level.
The "what if machine" is working overtime now! Im so confused.