I ended up starting to date a close friend of mine, and I do have feelings for said friend. As soon as people realized I was single I had guys asking me out. It was weird. I'm not used at being liked. Then I was accused by my ex, that I had been cheating on him for some time, simply because I had created a new email account[was going to be used for my sexforums account here so I could stop getting emails sent to my main email since I do access my main email at school and explaining why I have SF comments in my email...while fun to embarrass my friends with, not so much fun with professors if I was grabbing something for a presentation and computer is plugged into the projector] and had my friend start emailing me there. My ex discovered it, and flipped the hell out, and it's like, come on we're single, it's not cheating.
Well, we worked through that, got things calmed down, but every flipping day or every other day we'd be arguing again and it was always because I was dating another guy. So I broke it off with the guy, but things between me and my friend kinda didn't stay as broken up, and so we're back together. My ex on the otherhand does not know. It's so much more peaceful in the house if I keep things quiet. Which really does make me feel like I'm cheating even though we're flipping broken up from each other.
I just don't know what to do about my ex. He's admitted to me, that he's never been happy at all during our relationship of eight years. But he hasn't been happy since middle school. But being with me, it's given him a reason to keep going in life, given him purpose, and he's content being with me. He loves me more than anything. How do I respond to that? I told him that before I would figure out where I stand with him, he needs to get himself therapy or something because never ever being happy is a bad thing. Especially since it's been so long. I can't be happy for both of us. It's burnt me out 'cause I constantly strive to make people happy and if they aren't I try harder. And when it's with the one person that I've loved for so long, and I can't make them happy no matter what I do?
And we have a roommate now! A friend from school was getting kicked out of her place due to reasons that were out of her control, so we took her in. She's also just finding out she's pregnant. My ex has feelings for her, because she reminds him a lot of what I was like before I first found out I was pregnant with our son. And that he misses that part of me. I'm sorry but finding out I'm pregnant, the shit I was dealing with at my mom's, him losing his job shortly after our son was born, getting kicked out of his parents, finding out I'm pregnant again, my mother not paying her rent, scrambling to find a house, find a place, have daughter, school, work, dealing with living on my own for the first time ever, yeah...that's a shitton of stuff. Things change. I changed. Then I got to thinking about it, but whenever I did try to act like I used to when we first started dating, he would yell at me for being so damn immature and that I need to grow the fuck up, I have responsibilites and such now. Just gaaaah!
I don't know. I love him. I do. But is it enough to make a relationship work? He seems to think we can make it work, and we'll just take it slow. But I just don't know. I have so many factors to think about and I feel like Atlas holding the weight of the world on my shoulders, and no matter what I end up choosing in the end, it's going to cause the world to tilt off my shoulders in one direction or the other. Just damnit.
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