fuck pick up advice, fuck personality advice and authority advice and all that. It is good and important but what is most important at least for me and at the center of most of it, are beliefs about sexuality. I believe I am a very sexual person, but I struggle to express it in public, and at the right time- I mean subtly, for purposees of wooing women I want, a wife and future marriage partner. Hey I want to take it slow, have fun, get to know her first, but my intention is for someone to wed and be with. I need to be ablet o put out raw sexual energy, as well as keep a mystery. How much of "confidence" is really a code word for sexual confidence? Or how much non sexual confidence comes from sexual confidence and success? Is it not sexual desire and the hope of it's fulfillment when a new girl shows interest, that gets me attached? Do I not feel guilty and afraid of attaching women in the same way, so I repress it? yes I'm too much of a nice guy idiot. I've got to understand why. I think I'm a nice guy but not a wuss, not a complainer, but frustrated and confused. I think this has to do with excessive concern for other's feelings, not wanting anyone to get hurt, and repressed or unexpressed sexuality in that moment. And I have learned women make split second decisions in the moment, and plop you in a category that one sometimes can get out of. I'm the person that always gets out of that category given enough time but I am finding it would just be much better to not get in that in the first place.. but my sights are high- not only a passionate marriage, but a courtship done the proper way, done rightly. In the modern world, maybe that's why I struggle. But I need to die inside in many ways, to my self. my feelings, my guilt, my intimidation about a woman's fantasies and desires and needs. She needs a man who is a mystery. why does this intimidate me so much. How can I give birth to a new personality, which is more free and powerful? Why is there so much inside me that blocks me? Why can#t I accept the raw truth? if I did I could surely benefit from it? What should I do with my nice guy, which is authentic too, and not done for gain or as bribery, but when it only makes me seem weak? Where should i keep him? Where is life leading me? Will the next year be better than the last or am I going round in circles? Acceptance of what is is the most important principle, so hard for us mortals. Accept male sex drive, accept female sexual needs without being blinded, without going in false self to accommodate. It's so hard for me to accept women want sex with strangers, with people who are mysteries, at the same time when i see myself in that role, it is so erotic. I just feel like a loser. The other cause maybe for my neurosis is losing to rivals- that shames me perhaps and it has happened intensely twice, and threatens a third. I don't want to be sexually shamed again. I fear this. women, you shame men sexually when you reject us or see us only as friends. I see that now. It can be an intense shame that leads to depression and despair. One minute we were strutting our stuff and the next, we lost and we are flattened. Such is life, pick up and move on, but I hate the rebound idea. I still want what I originally wanted, if not the same person then a quality woman. All my life I've been seeking. Now I make it a higher priority. These forums are my confessional. If I can't let my sexuality out properly, I would rather die. the total war I am fighting now encompasses releasing my sexuality, as a major prize and station along the way. I'm a moral man, I think of myself that way, but be careful when moralizing about sexuality. If it doesn't hurt anybody or break marriages, is it really that bad? I feel ungrounded. Oh, no wonder there is no attraction then. I must discover what I want. I must obsess about sexuality, and obsess about women#s fantasies. I would rather die if not learn about them, not to be a pick up artist, but to find MY WAY, my true self, which matches her deepest desires. It is a quest for true self which also brings connection. In touch with her, in touch with myself. I despise a lot of PUAs, maybe wrongly. I always knew I would come back to the subject of PUA. now is the time. That's good, it maybe means I'm on track, God has a plan: CS Lewis said God is so masculine, we are all feminine before him. At least that is the side he expresses. I guess my sexuality and my ability to convey it subtly is cursed. It was not always thus cursed, but has become so at least lately. I am good in bed, I have passion, I just can't pull. I just can't attract, not when I have that intention with someone I like but I see signs of progress being made. I have been feminine in trying to attract the one's I like, in terms of anxiety, insecurity, passivity, chasing, placating. With knowledge comes power but knowledge requires grief work to be accepted, otherwise it will be denied or superficially understood. I have resources but I must grieve and be able to process. I am so much in my head and women in their bodies and feelings, and that is a problem and source of disconnect. This is indeed a strong curse. I just want to find and attract and marry a hot white blond ideally christian woman and take care of her and fuck her all the time, every knight, in wild ways, dominantly, passionately, seductively. make her feel like a woman. Never underestimate the harm that envy brings. Better to not think of what you don't have, just keep trying to give birth to what you want. I feel like a jew at the wailing wall, hitting his head against it. i guess this is what I must keep doing if I don't want to compromise. I will try to realize my desires.