I feel sexually broken and this has nothing to do with my self esteem. In general I feel fine. I hate dysfunctionality in all things, especially revolving around relationships and family. I want relationships and people to be functional. I hope to find a woman to marry and I expect her to be relatively functional as a partner, as I expect of myself. I expect her to have character and myself as well. It is about humility and character and service to each other.
I have a problem. I have many problems, with bitterness, and anger and hate, that come from many places, including radical feminists hatred and misandry of men, of the divorce kangaroo courts and the war against boys, even though I have not personally suffered all of this. I want to get my hate out and definitely not act it out on anybody. I actually am full of love and attraction and desire to please. I know as humans we all need each other, we can't exist with out each other, both in terms of gender as well as individuals. We all depend on farmers to grow our food, on police to keep the streets safe, on bankers to provide financial services, etc. Part of what makes life fun and the same thing that binds people together in relationships is sexuality. My sexuality is definitely to a degree broken. To say otherwise is to maintain illusion, based on what I know and experience. I could be somewhat accepting of that if it happened by chance, as a birth defect but since this was done to me by our culture I am full of bitterness and perplexity as to what I should do now.
I can't masturbate usually without my muscles around my pelvis and anus being sore for a long while afterwards (10-30 or more minutes) and it gets worse as I get older. Also I don't think I experience as much fun as I am supposed to. I was looking at some porno pictures of women giving oral sex to men on a website and more than 1/2 of all the pictures featured a tight cut where the color of the penis changes suddenly from dark brown to pink, and that was totally disgusting to me. Please, don't put any more such pictures up on the computer. I get disgusted when I see these ugly things, and I get envious when I see intact penises. It is a topic of much grief, not only because something serious and special was lost, but because also an outlet for handling frustration is gone, and the source of relaxation and joy itself becomes a cause of frustration. I don't even mean emotional frustration first of all but physical frustration, as it is physically frustrating to not be able to masturbate or experience sex as nature intended it, and this because of man's practice, which women and mothers are also supporting as well as those sex in the city cunts. So I am left with either pain and soreness, and definitely I cannot perform easily twice in a row without a while in between.. sometimes more when someone I love is arousing but definitely not in terms of masturbation, and even a live lover has limits that are beneath what it would be natural, I am sure. So I get frustrated sexually and that leads to emotional frustration and tendency towards stress from life more easily I think. I guess I feel I am in a maze. Everyone with advice might be correct in that there may be ways out of this and possible compensations. However, they take time and energy, and they become a full time job, just trying to find out how to compensate and balance stress. I have read quotes from women, who I think are worth their salt, who hesitate to get with cut men because of the differences and difficulties. And I think they are worth their salt. After all, would I want to get with a woman who has had most of her pleasure centers removed and whom I couldn't give an orgasm? Or a woman who has lost the function of her hands or something? It is even worse with men because they lose the gliding function, the only movable part of the penis. The fact is I feel broken, sexually, which causes increased frustration, and I also feel of lesser value, even less worth, for a woman, and I think rather than being a "victim" identifyer, I think I am probably one of the few honest ones willing to look at the facts and accept the truth as it is. I see myself as an affirmer, rather than a denier. Yes it may seem like I am acting like a victim but who of you would really honestly deny that something is seriously lost when a man is circumcised, if you have honestly studied it. If you just look at the poor mutilated thing with three colors, brown, scar and pink. It just looks pathetic. That is what disgusted me.
So I find myself well acquainted with grief, no matter how much I think I have grieved already. I try to be positive and look on the bright side and move on, but I just can't, when the experiences of life itself pull me back in frustrated failures to perform. At least I got to keep my frenulum, or part of it. At least I learned of "restoration" which is one of the only things that keep me going sometimes. But that will take a few years if I am lucky because I was cut tight, and it is slow at first, and difficult.
Complaining may serve some purpose when it happens at the right time and place, but I am ultimately looking for a way forward. My desire is to be able to experience my full sexuality, for all the reasons that sexuality was developed: for pleasure, for stress relief, for relationship attachment. I feel like with everything sexual, as far as performance is concerned: And I am not talking about being a star but just functioning I am walking on eggshells. It was so hard last time to give my girl vaginal orgasms. In fact I never succeeded in giving her a Vag Org. I always succeeded in giving her a clit orgasm but it was always the same formula, and I could never just give her a vag orgasm.
They don't understand, or maybe they do, that when they cut my penis they cut my heart, when they circumcised my flesh they circumcised my spirit. I am only becoming more aware of this, and more finely aware as time goes by, and as I learn to think about things, and think slowly, and feel things, and feel slowly. As that is happening, I am coming to grief producing understanding. I hope to get to the summit sometime and then be on easy street after all my hard work, hard emotional work, and work for restoration, etc. It seems there is so much work just to get to square one, if I can even get there. I am looking for the seed of equivalent benefit. I hate the ideology that produces bullshit things in this world like circumcision and no fault divorce laws that strip a man of his assets and shackle him with debt. I love the people but I hate this culture which is either rotten in the mind or else deeply confused about things, with it's thoughts crossed and can't distinguish between truth and falsehood. And I am not talking about anything sophisticated. I am simply talking about basic truths, like sparing the knife and being non partisan and non biased when it comes to gender issues.
What can I do? Who can I be, to usher in a better world? I want to marry a sensitive woman, and of my own culture. Maybe a sort of irish woman of classical style, because I like that music and they seem from stereotype to be feminine. I need to figure out how I can determine and perceive a woman's character and see through images and illusions. Maybe I am part of the problem in that I look first to good looks rather than character. I will definitely not get with a woman who doesn't respect the trauma and deprivation I went through in being circumcised. And yet any woman who understands that probable doesn't want to be with a cut man anyways, unless he is restoring, which I am, and who is a saint. I don't want to trap a woman into being with me without disclosing my status. I would find that immoral and I hope other men follow my lead.
I think the world still has a long way to come to enlightenment, and how I know that is because I just listen to the discourse around the issue of circumcision. Absolutely fucking crazy, people incapable of rational thought. I understand, rationality goes out the window whenever there is an emotional bias, and there are many reasons for possible emotional biases. I am learning about all of that, and how to think and feel slowly and carefully, and how that is what it means to be really alive. But as long as irrational people in this world wield the knife, we are going to be living in a chaotic and violent world. So I feel like a martyr, a victim, and an offering to the god of "hygiene" or "appearance" or whatever other value or virtue you want to call it. I just have my path to walk, my healing. One person said that scars remind us where we've been, not where we're going. That was so nice. She didn't say it, I think, in regards to circumcision but it could definitely apply. Except that until I get that restored skin, I will be lacking function, and even then I will be lacking dartos muscles and the nice Taylor's ridged band. What a shame, and the biggest shame is the people doing all this nonsense in the world are shameless. And the worst people are those who have good intentions. Including those stupid judges and politicians who steal from men in order to give to women. Anyone with good intentions, if they do not think about what they are doing, are at risk of corrupting the world with their actions. It's as if we can't hold them responsible just because they had good intentions. So even here I can't voice my complaints or be heart. I am full of hate inside of me, but it is a rational hate. It is a hate based on the reality that I have been at the receiving end, and still am, in terms of invalidation. Being validated and accepted and appreciated and given unconditional respect as a man would be a starting point and help towards healing myself and society. I take self-respect off the table, and I take masculine identity off the table. Nobody can manipulate me with those things anymore because they are not in play. I invite every man to feel the same as I do and to restore their foreskin. That is the best way to change things, I think. Anyway I am sort of ranting. I am less frustrated now for having written this, because I got some of my emotion out, but it will probably return, with unsatisfied desire and pelvic and upper penis pain, because my penis wants for a moving part, because it lacks the anatomical features I was born with, the dartos muscles, the head covering, etc. That is why I see myself as broken, somewhat defective and disfunctional, and in this regard at least of lesser value. Oh well, man is more than flesh, right? And then they blame men on being too intellectual, too asexual, too much in the mind and not the body. What do they expect, between the memory of trauma and the lack of pleasure nerves and functions, and presence of pain, they expect us not to compensate or cope by going into the mind? All of this is intensely crazy making, you understand. I only hope that people will wake up.