I think this is important in my life because it is the only thing that is going to produce lasting riches, of spirit and life. Though I judge nobody else, the clear and crisp way I write, in a direct fashion, will probably cause some people to want to judge me. But I think marriage and a bond like that will help us both achieve our purposes in life, as a team would achieve, because we would complement each other on our strengths and we would function together. Of course there has to be function. I have to be careful in whom I choose and select and that is a huge problem right there, because I can be fooled into choosing the wrong person, or someone based on outer appearance or surface traits. I also have to be the right person to attract the one I desire, and work on my own inner life. I have to be very good in my judgement and discernment to not get with a borderline or a narcissist or histrionic or some other named condition. Check out [External site name removed by Mod - violates site rules.], it is a very good website with Dr. Tara Palmiera. Very good, I love her work.
Now all of this I knew for a long while. What is different is the pressure I am starting to feel. The idea that it is really necessary and becoming urgent. Well if not urgent at least senseless to wait and procrastinate any longer, because that is what it feels like, procrastination, and unhealthy uncertainty. I have also felt it would be kind of weird, like I am feminine to want to marry, or something, based on perhaps myths of evolutionary psychology. I have already seen EvoPsych myths about the supposed lesser value of male sexuality and sperm debunked by the great TyphonBlue at a voiceformen, who is a canadian female. This information resonated with what I already felt but couldn't justify by scientific theory. Actually, the sex act is a bigger investment of resources for a man than it is for a woman. I am not talking about or conflating the actual cost of carrying a child but the sex act itself. TyphonBlue talks about this and other aspects, the consequences of which are profound and highly valuing of male sexuality from an EvoPsych perspective. Yes, far back enough (if evolution is true) we were all promiscuous, I am sure of that, but that happened many speciations and evolutionary stations ago, and it is no longer really "human" to do, I think. And in fact women, her "inner ape", could perhaps even have a higher sex drive then men, if what they were saying about us being promiscuous was true, because she has the urge to get the best sperm and have a child, whereas it isn't necessary for all men to have or father children, so they could be used to going dry, and more adaptable to that. But I think we are a pair bonding species, now, and have been for many stages, and that means we need a partner, at least for the years it takes to raise a child to maturity, so I think we both need these things. But the idea of a uniquely male that needs to just get it on in order to "score" is false. Scoring is not a physical or emotional need. It is a need for status, for acceptance and approval and status, that I can buy, and can he get that without sex, theoretically? So we have to break these male sexual stereotypes. And teenage men are of course going to be full of hormones, and of course we all love sex. But there are so many false stereotypes. I am mostly this whole time thinking of the one that says that "a man would be a fool to turn down pussy, when it comes his way, because after all, his sexuality is of such low natural value", which is now shown to be totally false. The other one I am thinking is that we can apply the ideas of "alpha male" and Beta and so on in human men as easily as we can in other promiscuous animals. Well these terms today are so confused and confounded and misrepresented. You can't apply these terms I understand to pair bonding species, and I think we are mostly that. We may be more sexually omnivorous, omnimorous, like we are with diet, and we have brains that can adapt to anything, but I think we are more on the side of monogamous, as shown by how culture and society functions best when that happens, among other things. Yes, in our deep DOS we may have these urges, and women maybe more than men, especially in this welfare state society, but even women and all of us are operating on windows now, no matter how society tries to re-engineer us and our culture. Doesn't work, not without cost. I realize there are always exceptions, hormones that we are exposed to at early ages may shape our brain, etc. But the exceptions don't disprove general rules, and also what works to build a society. And I know for a fact, I am sure of it, that marriage and monogamy, if people could experience the healthy kind, is something that is or would "feel right" to the majority of people, the silent majority. Of course we see marriage on the decline. Why is that? Well when men have a lot to fear, from the male side. Divorce stats, narcissistic women, the farce that is the divorce court system and shackling man with debt with limited access to children, men not having reproductive rights, etc. That has something to do with it I am sure.
I have always loved thinking about what it means to be a man, as long as I can remember and also what it means to be a woman. I hated to say I was interested in gender studies, because I felt that was a feminine thing, a girly domain and I resisted that. I just realize it is only that way because culture says so, but I can reclaim the language. I am also interested in "communications" but you see, what I mean by these words is accurate, but amounts to something different than what is taught in most women studies classes. So it is the same with marriage and wedding. These are by and large in the feminine domain and so men are reluctant to admit they are interested or want to get involved in that, but my image for my own is masculine, or bi-gender friendly. It always has to be co-operative, a cooperative dance, of both poles. That is my overriding thesis and if men and women start off with it being all about the women, at the wedding, that is starting off on the wrong foot. Now I do believe the woman is the center of the man's attention for provision and protection. I am classic in that sense. However, I do believe that the woman is to be selfless, not narcissistic. a selfish woman is not serving her man or functioning. Yes, you hear that feminists, I want women to be selfless and give selflessly to their children and husbands. Selflessly, completely. If they want a career, then if they marry and have children young, they can have a career afterwards, and there are not 2, not 3 but 4 main advantages I have discovered, as I witnessed this in my friend's parents. Ok I will explain. I thought you'd never ask. 1. the support unconditional of the man and maybe even children, without resistance but with actual encouragement. 2. the joy of having raised children 3. the lack of need to juggle, or give up at some point, career. 4. the added knowledge and wisdom from life that you will have gained as you attend classes or orientation in a field. Case of my friend's mom, she was doing financial planning, and guess what? There is no way she was at a disadvantage. In fact she obviously must have known so much more than the average, having helped run a household. And she can do this until she is 75 if she wants. One lady I guess calls this sequencing. Anyway back to the thread, and then I get to the thread below that. I want women to be selfless. Yes, I just want to "take advantage of them" and make them chattel and my domestic servants. You got me. Damn if I don't already feel that by signing up for marriage, I am already being selfless, knowing that marriage in our modern culture are "all about the woman" and making her happy. I plan to protect and provide and all that, in spirit too, so I consider it mutual surrender of ego.
Anyway I think I have to make this a priority. I both have to and I get to. But I have many obstacles and challenges. I am so far away. I am living and owrking abroad, just teaching english. I don't have a great career. I have high expectations for a wife I get with (though I also demand a lot from myself) and I am actually reducing the importance of outward appearance and beauty, simply because character is much more important. I really have to be able to examine and test character, or see into the soul because if I don't I am fucked. How do I know I am not just getting into a marriage to a borderline like lt. Joel Kirk? I have to be careful, and I also have to find this person, but first I have to go back home, get set up in a place, in our debt economy. Whew. But what I am doing now is working on the mind and inner stuff.
Sex is so interesting to me. I am getting to sex, sexual knowledge and understanding. It is always a subject with more to learn. To all you feminists out there, be as you are. I know you can do it all and I know I am not necessary in your eyes, but I have a mind and I use it to think for myself. Guess what? I can be dominant in the bed, and also in life. Dominant without being an abusive asshole. Now that is a skill! Again it comes down to co-operation rather than competition. That is what I am after, but if I have to "spare the rod" and note all you white knights, I am not being literal.. then I am only going to get myself in trouble, but this will probably be avoided in the first place by finding a woman of character. That is really necessary, I must really drill this into myself. I know there is such potential. I just have to make it. I have to think, and feel, slowly. Those are my two biggest weapons for freedom from drifting, or from any sort of fascism.
I really have to press forward. It is so hard because I have so many feelings to work through, so many confusions to sort out, conflicts to find an answer to, bitterness to get under, grief to process, wisdom to gain, ignorance to dispel, hard work to do, and so on, in order to be able to see the world and myself straight and clearly, but I know it is possible. I have much support, from my brothers and sisters online.
We have inherited stupid traditions, for the garbage. I am not a cultural conservative, blindly accepting tradition, even if I am a social and fiscal conservative. There is a difference. The latter two are thinkers, even if they are wrong in your eyes. Now get me right.. sex is amazing, a true gift of God and the glue of a relationship and a wonderful thing with many dimensions and aspects, and I shall explore this. Sex is also so psychological, the coming together of masculine and feminine and the means of procreation. What a wonderful thing to celebrate. Shame on nobody, shame on nothing. Pride, in fact, in the healthy functions of men and women and life. The reassertion of masculinity and femininity has begun, and the reclaiming of male space and institutions, with gender fairness and equity.
But I must press forward, I must shoot forward. I must prioritize this, and not just because of children. I need to figure out a career, and I think that is waiting on this. So long as I stay single, my career will not or cannot take off, so that is another reason. Who said it is not masculine to seek a prize wife and just tie the knot? Did not they do that in the bible, the patriarchs? Those are indeed real patriarchs by the way. Even if we lived in a patriarchy, it doesn't make every man one. Only a small handful probably had any real power, and that outside the home. So I used to resent anyone telling me what is masculine and proper. Usually I have just assumed people will scoff at me and ridicule me but the more I think about it and understand, the more all this nonsense garbage just rolls off my back. I can go anywhere, do anything, be anything from a permission point of view. I have the keys to everywhere without having to be shamed or justify myself. I take no marching orders from up above or anywhere. Only from God and spirit. I will run my ship with authority. That will only work if I have a great first mate, otherwise there may be mutiny, but has it ever been any different. So I must perhaps consider this pressing, urgent, something to do, to make something of my life. Even though I am a man, there is still something of a clock, directly and indirectly. Take me there, first in my thoughts and feelings and then in my words and then in my deeds and then in my experience. Let me have an awesome monogamous hetero sexuality, and I do mean sexuality.