I have over time realized that I am bisexual to one extent or another. I recognize the Kinsey scale, I identify with being more heterosexual than homosexual but there is that 'more than incidental' part of me that has existed where I find male on male sex appealing. I have been in numerous long-term, monogamous relationships... all with females. I never had much reason to consider anything beyond this, I assumed that any other inclination was just hormonal. After all we were told that it is normal to be curious about your body and the bodies of others growing up. You could say that there was never any uncertainty in my sexuality but the truth is that if I think back I guess there was something underlying always. I was always curious about my body even at a young age.
Like most guys I liked girls, boobs, I really never publicly gave it any thought. My first introduction to the possibility that two people of the same gender could be involved together was through school yard taunts to the "losers" in school. It grew into the assumption that people were either 100% straight or 100% straight. Somewhere along the line that conviction faded when it became apparent that there were shades of gray between the poles. I am a product of the internet age, in my youth I discovered porn in the 1990s, eventually I crossed some gay porn... it did kind of turn me on because it was taboo, but I buried that idea. I loved girls, boobs. I went on with completely straight relationships, completely straight sex etc... Then somewhere along the line I became curious in what it felt like to have sex with another guy. With the end of a relationship, a window presented itself in the form of a couple that invited me to hang out with them, we became friend and long story short, I ended up having a threesome with them. It was exhilarating. I've written about this previously in postings within SF. It all began with me being with the woman but that bridged the gap because it was 'OK' with both of them. I went back a few times over the next two years. Over time the couple split and I stayed in touch with the guy and his new boyfriend, I had a few experiences with them but I pushed it aside because after all what was that? I liked girls and you had to choose one, that was the way it worked.
The next few years would be years of self-denial. I said to myself that was just a phase, curiosity of youth and puberty. But I never really had an answer.
I was in another long-term relationship things were going fine but there was part of me that was feeling something else, like part of me was missing. Honestly though I never questioned my sexuality then, I was in a good ans strong relationship that was going well
Just before graduation she and I went our separate ways, it seemed like the right thing to do, she was going to the West Coast, I was to be working in Philadelphia. Even those ideas that seem right can hurt like hell. I was devastated and lonely after a while, a fact that was only compounded by her getting engaged less than 6 months later after all we had been through. I felt lost. As bad as that hurt, it presented a unique opportunity for me to examine myself. Who was I?
When I was at a low point I ran into the woman from the threesome years before in Philly. We caught up for a bit I told her about my ex, she suggested that I give her ex a call because he had actually been through a bad breakup too. Figured we could talk each other through some of the challenges of our breakups. Innocent enough. He had broken up with his woman after 2 years. We made contact hung out and talked. The second time we were watching football having beers. This time he went to the bathroom and came back naked. I didn't know what to make of it. We were both kind of drunk, but the strange thing was that I wasn't completely freaked out by it.
Long story short we stayed close, hung out non-sexually and found a bit of chemistry. I gave it a lot of distance though, I grew up very conservatively in a big family and couldn't possibly hook up with a guy, much less a guy 12 years older than me. But there was something there. Eventually temptation and necessity gave way to sex and it was good. But the gaps between were frequent, it was just occasional sex to get us through. I couldn't accept it as anything more than a physical satisfaction.
I found myself tangled in a web of emotions.
After long debate and self-discovery I have finally decided to let it be and realize that I am bisexual and I can't fight or change who I am, rather I should embrace it. I still feel that I like women more than men. However, right now I have the opportunity for something good, with a good person who happens to be a man. Furthermore the two of us meet each other's needs perfectly, he doesn't need me to be his public toy on display, that keeps my family problems safe for now, we are both 100% clean and tested, we're good friends and we can trust each other.
So we're going to give it a shot. And this blog will detail my experiment.