I heard a saying once, that you don't pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave. That struck me like a ton of bricks. I thought to myself. It's true. It's very true. Because there are times when I'm laying in bed with my lover and I just want to cuddle forever and never leave but I know it's a part of the deal. The NSA deal. I leave. No strings. I abide by my end of the deal.
I have no delusions about my NSA relationships. The are purely superficial. Purely physical. No future. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But I can't control my feelings. And I don't bother suppressing them because it's all a part of the fun... But, dammit it hurts so bad when your partner ends it. For whatever the reason. We get to know each other. About our lives, our families. We cuddle. We're (obviously) physically one for a short period of time. You would have to be a robot to not have feelings on some level.
The first time it happened was by a 42 year old man, never married. I'm guessing, based on his relationship status, that he has issues with commitment. So when it was starting to become obvious that we were getting close I think he kind of panicked. Nevertheless, it was like a knife in my heart because at just that time he had been saying things like, "when we make love, let's pretend the baby is mine" (I was -obviously- pregnant)." None of it was real. But, for some reason, that chips away at a woman's soul.
The second time I cried over a lover wasn't a case of being dumped. We got together and had my first threesome with his best friend (a story for another day). It was loads of fun* but in the end I cuddled with his best friend and I wanted to cuddle with him (I'm head over heels for him). See how silly we women are? I cried when I got in the car.
Today was the third time I cried over a man. I got dumped and it hurts so bad. I mean tears just streamed down my cheeks. It's not that he broke it off, it's how he broke it off. In an email I light heartedly said "well, I've got you." He responded with "you don't 'got me'. I'm not doing this adultery thing any more." and I was like, "when were you gonna tell me this??" and he was like, "I wasn't planning on it. I didn't know a break up for us would be an 'event'." and he throws in that he was seeing other women (I didn't know that) and he assumed I was seeing other guys (I'm not). Then he tells me he's getting a divorce. He's clearly reeling from it. It was very sudden. So obviously he has other things on his mind besides me. But it doesn't change the fact that it was pretty cruel. Just two weeks prior he was telling me how he was going to tie me up and spank me and next year take me to Vegas. So I had no idea we were never going to see each other again.
In my next blog post I'll get into how I broke it off with a man - or ended his advances if you want to call it that. You will notice the very gentle, slick way I did it. I wish men would have the decency to do the same.
*Get it? Get it?