I always thought I was weird. I used to wonder why I touch myself in ways to stimulate myself.
From where did I learnt this? I wasn’t thought. How was this instilled in me? Why do I like doing it? How did I know if I did it I would relax? How? How? Why did I masturbate? I didn’t know the term until I was 19.
Since knowing I have kept it a secret. My darkest secret. A secret that I never would share with anyone. A secret that I was ashamed about. But this year it all changed.
I was braved enough to share it with my ex- bf. I thought finally someone I can share it with. Someone that has gone through the same thing as I have. He taught me more about myself. I begin phone sex with him. Don’t laugh – the first time I did it… I stopped half way n asked him – “This is wrong, right?” LOL
The next day I goggled “phone sex” not knowing that the term existed before. A whole new world opened up for me to explore. I was thrilled.
But he left. Devastated I turn to masturbating to cheer myself up. Did it regularly. But I never seem to be satisfied. Guess I upgraded to a different level – phone sex. I then started watching porn. Upgraded to another level.
Still never satisfied.
I didn’t know what I was looking for. And then I was curious to know what a sex forum is about… so I joined SF – upgraded to another level.
But SF changed me… I begin to read others experiences, what sex meant to them etc.. well a lot more…I even upgraded to a new level (wink, wink)
But I also realize I need to control. I need to respect myself. I shouldn’t be carried away with this new found knowledge. Having this knowledge is essential for life yet there are other life experiences I need to focus on.. like work, family, etc.
So keeping my fingers cross… I hope I don’t upgrade to any other level too soon… I hope I slow down for awhile….
p/s I couldn’t sleep… so I decided to write this up… heheheh
btw my 2nd attempt of posting picture…. LoL (upgraded another level- hmmm just said I should control LOL)