From the first breath we draw til our dying one, we have relationships with people, some good, some bad but relationships all the same.
Our first one is with our mother, we rely on her to give us life, and when we are a helpless infant, she brings us comfort, food, security, love, she is the centre of our world. I can also include fathers here too, they do their bit and we have a relationship with him, he is the one we run to for help, and in my case, 35 years down the line, still turn to for anything in life that I need help with, be it advice or money, help to decorate, anything I need, he’s there for me.
So for most of us, our relationship with our parents is usually our first one that gives us unashamed love, sometimes the rewards and pleasures are more ours than theirs but its a relationship that usually lasts for life and continues to give.
Then you have your friends in school, your relationships with them are changeable daily, some days you’re best buddies, the next, you’re spitting fire at them, but they teach us how to cope in the real world, how to share, how to compromise and they give us fun and enjoyment,
Then we get to our first dalliance into the adult world when we have our first teen relationships. They can be fast and furious, torrid and steamy, often heartbreaking but lots of fun, they shape our relationships of the future. I’ve already talked about my first love here, so you know a little of my relationship with him, well a very tiny bit, someday i’ll tell you more, perhaps he will share his experience, who knows! I had many kisses and fumbles with boys before him, so mini relationships if you like. The sort that make our hormones rage at the first kiss or first touch of flesh on flesh but never quite make it to sex for whatever reason. I did “heavy pet” with some of these boys and experienced orgasm with them, wow did I ever!
I learnt though from these experiences what I needed to learn and had fun along the way. My First dalliance in to love was wonderful, it was a relationship like i’d never had before, it has definitely shaped my adult life as I hold the values I learned then and have built on them. It ended in heartbreak as they always do but the next relationship was hot on its heels.
I had a Fuck Buddy that I met at 18 years old, we had a different relationship again, this time it was my first relationship without feelings, well I loved him like a friend and we had great sex. I’m not sure how many others he was having sex with, I don’t think we ever really discussed it but we had sex with each other rather a lot. That relationship is still going now, some 18 years later, we don’t have sex any more, haven’t in a few years but that’s because I moved to scotland and he to Europe. If we still lived close, i’ve no doubt we’d still be fucking regularly. We were talking yesterday and were reminiscing of our history together. He still has an amazing ability to turn me on with a few words, even when he doesn’t mean to lol.
He taught me that sex didn’t have to be just in a relationship, he taught me that it was fine to be open sexually, it was fine to show your body off, fine to sit opposite each other masturbating for each other without shame, fine to turn up to his house in nothing but a pair of thigh length black leather heeled boots and a thong under a coat. oh yes I did that once to surprise him, I was pulled in off the street pretty dam quickly lol.
He opened me up to the world of real adult sex. I credit him with giving me the passion for dressing up, for trying anything new and being 100% open to my sexuality.
My next big relationship after him was a marriage, my first marriage or my trial one as I like to think of it now. I was on holiday and fell passionately in love with a guy, we married after a whirlwind 9 month romance and I was 19 years old.
He was only the second ever guy to hurt me, he fucked his sisters friend so I left him. I didn’t accept excuses or even want to hear them, my past relationships had taught me to not accept nonsense, that I was better than that. So I walked out of his mothers house, hailed a cab to the airport and walked out of his life. Its funny though, we have a great relationship now! I’m his Love DR for his relationships and the first one he turns to when he has a problem. Maybe I should have stayed and forgiven his misdemeanour, we had a great relationship, which is evident as its lasted all of these years.
I flung myself into sex with many many men and a woman in the time after that relationship ended, I lusted after others but didn’t do anything about it and I played games, I wanted men but chose to be aloof to see how much I could make them run after me. I learnt during that period that the harder you are to get sometimes, the more desirable you are to certain men.
Then I met another one that I fell in love with, he was my third love. He was tall, blonde, a soldier and in my opinion very handsome. Very sexy with a huge cock! Sex was great and I fell in lust with him from the first fuck we had. Through time we fell in love and that relationship lasted for 6 years. I nearly married him but stopped short, 6 weeks before the wedding was to take place. I’d got my invitations ready to go but just couldn’t quite bring myself to post them. I called it off and the relationship was over.
I then once again fucked my way around my male friends, well acquaintances really but it was an amazing time, I adored the fucking and adored being the centre of attention with them.
Love no 4 came in the shape of my current husband. I call him my current husband as I don’t believe he’ll be the last one. I didn’t think that when I married him, we had the perfect relationship for 4 years, I fell in love over a long period of time, he started off as a novelty to me. We lived in different countries and it was a novelty flying to see him and having torrid sex when it suited, then one day I realised I was in love with him. He asked me to marry him and I sold my home, gave up my family and friends and moved to be with him. It was great, we had a happy time even though we were in a small flat but we were in a fabulous city, with good people around us and cheap flights back to my family and friends completed things.
We got engaged and then married just over 18 months ago. Now, I thought our marriage would be amazing, like the relationship we’d always had, only now we’d have that legal contract binding us together for life. I’d be his Mrs and we’d share a name etc.
We had an amazing month long honeymoon in Hawaii, las Vegas, New York, San Francisco. Or it should have been amazing.... the sex was shit! We had sex 3 times in that whole month. Now on a honeymoon, surely you should only ever see the ceiling of your hotel room, not me, I had to push for sex and got it 3 times. Its like my husband had a wife now and that wife wasn’t the lover he’d lived with previously. Does he think a wife should be respectable and sex curbed for baby making only? Perhaps he did but it was like i’d gone on honeymoon with someone that looked exactly like him, made me laugh like he did but just didn’t have sex with me.
Well I thought it was because we were busy every day of that honeymoon, put it to the back of my mind thinking it would be ok when we got home, but that hasn’t happened either. The last time we had sex was nearly 8 months ago, so i’ve had to make some decisions. My earlier relationships taught me that I was worth more than that, they taught me to be tolerant but not to accept things that made me unhappy, and they gave me the courage to see my decisions through.
So, this relationship is being valued against the others, I’m seeing that the man I’m married to is a wonderful man, I love him very much, but I can’t tolerate a sexless marriage. I’ve discussed it with him, not much has happened, there is no apparent reason for this lack of sex so i’ve declared my intention to end the marriage if it isn’t changed.
How do you leave a marriage where you love someone, are in love with them and everything is great except for the sex? well it won’t be easy but I’m hoping that if he doesn’t change things and I do call it a day, that we can remain friends just like I did with my first husband.
My relationship with my husband is one that i’ve never had before, its like having a reverse fuck buddy. We are great friends, laugh a lot together, respect each other, do a lot for each other, tolerate a lot from each other and we share everything else together except for sex.
I discussed having an open marriage with my husband, he was fuming that i'd even suggest it, it ended in the argument that i'd expected from him. "if i wanted to have sex elsewhere then he'd leave." so he wants to be married, doesn't want me having sex elsewhere. Not a good relationship to be in really is it? Can you be married and withold sex? apparantly I can legally annul my marriage as the contract has been broken, its a reasonable expectation in the eyes of the law to have sexual relations with your spouse so that would mean, that even though i've married him, I wouldn't have to divorce him, I could have the marriage declared null and void. Its beginning to look like an option.
I’ve turned to my first relationships in life to help me through this bewildering time, I’ve recently visited my parents, the ones that love me regardless of the choices I make in life, that will move mountains to help me be happy and i’ve decided that i’m moving back home. Being there will give me the support that I need in life, I’m back closer to my best friend, I love her immensely, her children that I love and couldn’t love more if they were my own, and those relationships will help me make sense of this one i’m in now and will help me if I need to leave it.
Speaking with a friend in a similar situation and seeing how they feel about it, tells me that life is for living, its always been my mantra and its time I did what I need to do.
I don't want to regret my life, I don't want to look back in years to come and be sorry that I didnt get to have children because the basic function needed to create them doesnt exist. I'm not prepared to go with someone else just to have that though. The funny thing is, my husband wants to be a father, says wants children and now, is very happy to have sex when he knows i'm ovulating.
Does that mean that he married me for my breeding ability? Did he just want a wife to be a mother to his children? Well I don't want that. I am not prepared to get pregnant just because I want it, I want to have children in the relationship of my choice, one that I know is going to be a healthy one where both parents love each other and love the resulting children. I'm not prepared however to be an incubator and have my usefulness over with once a baby is delivered. So I cut my nose off to spite my face. I am putting off having a child until I know what i'm doing.
I don't want to look back on my life and wish that i'd had the gumption to change it, or feel sorry that I stayed in an unacceptable situation just because its the done thing to do. Its not the done thing anymore and its more than acceptable to want to be with someone that returns love, is passionate and wants sex as much as I do, that is creative and won't let things go stale, that is open to ideas and is willing to share my love of life and sex together.
A relationship is meant to be a partnership of two equals. Where love flourishes, sex and passion are in equal measure, comfort and friendship is the foundation and you build a life together, enjoying each other and putting each other before anything else. I have some friends that put their children before their relationships, but in my eyes thats wrong, the parents should put each other first, love each other, build a family home together and in turn, your children will feel secure, know that love surrounds them and when they have grown into the rounded adults that you have guided them to become, then you still have your basic relationship with the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Another friend of mine said that the difference in love for a wife and a child is that you would take a bullet for your child. I believe that if you love your other half, then you would take a bullet for all of them. Love for your children is an all consuming love but love for your partner should be too. You are meant to love them and feel that they are part of you, just like a parent/child relationship.
Would I take a bullet for my husband? to be honest, I hope I never have to be in that situation but actually, i'm sure if it came to it, yes I would.
So my pondering’s this week have taken me full circle, my first relationships are once again in my life, helping me reconcile my feelings on my current one, and i’m using the values and lessons from my first love relationship right through all of my adult ones to measure this one. I'm using my relationship with many of you at this forum to see what I should be having, what I definately don't want and what I want to aspire to for the future.
So what are your relationships like?, what have you learnt from them?, do you turn to previous relationships for inspiration on how to be in this one?
Thanks for reading my pondering this week and i’m sorry its not a sexual blog this time lol
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