When we come in to this world, we are new. No influences, no experiences just plain pure. As we grow we learn the boundaries of life, what is safe and what isn't. Most of us had homes that were safe. Back when I was growing up, neighborhoods for the most part were safe.
Now as I get in to this blog, it isn't about the physical things of life, it is about how our mind grows, feelings and emotions emerge and how life changes that.
As young children, when we go to school we are for the most part innocent. The world has not touched us yet. We make friends and that is when our minds start to grow besides the normal learning of an education. Our friends bring out the best and the worst in us and we sometimes mimic them because we thought they were cool. We also learn that kids can be cruel and we don't understand why.
I was always shy and quiet all through school. The friends I had were cool and I knew a lot of my classmates. Then there are those who said were friends but always caused some sort of drama. I was young and naive. My parents are of old school. We didn't talk or mention sex so my first look of a male anatomy was on the school bus when the Seniors had a play girl magazine. LOL They were also cruel to one of my friends by bullying her and I never stuck up for her and so now I wish I did. This is when the layers are starting to come off.
Just like a snake sheds it skin to grow, furry animals shed their fur in change of the season, peel a banana to get to the fruit, peel an onion to chop to add flavor to food and so on. You get the picture of where I'm heading.
That was a layer of "oh boys are different then girls!" I mean I knew they were but never thought of the anatomy. Then around the same time a pervert in the neighborhood exposed himself to young girls and at the time didn't understand what he was doing to the playboy pictures he left behind in young girls yard, but he was jacking off to them and he scared me. Another layer came off that I was afraid of men, even my dad. That put a strain on our relationship back then. Never got close to dad because of that pervert.
Everyone on the bus new I was shy but one day another layer came off out of no where. This girl wanted to fight me because of someone else boyfriend. I flew off that bus and got close to her. I knew I had to wait for the first punch for I wasn't going to get in trouble . But she walked away and the look on the faces of the kids on my bus. It was a Kodak moment....haha. But I realize there is a tough girl under there.
Dating happened and my first time the guy used "if you love me" line. Boy was I still naive. After we split he stalked me. My mind started functioning more so I became more careful. Of course after high school, sex became more appealing.....I have to admit I had a lot of fun in bars and with guys I hooked up with. I had a roommate who I watched and I learned to become tough and not let people walk all over me. She was kind of guarded but drunk, she was mean. That was the point in my life that the tough exterior layer came out. Enough is enough.
Through the years after I appreciate this roommate who showed me how to have that guarded exterior, I also learned to not be guilty when I say no to someone. The jobs I worked at helped too. My first job helped me to come out and not be so shy.
I learned to be careful of who I dated, and who I interacted with. I vaguely remember one night at a bar that I worked at but was off, I got plastered. A guy approached me and basically propositioned me. I told him I would be here again tomorrow night (the next night). I did go back the next night, another night I was off and didn't drink. I behaved. He approached me again and I just said "who are you?" He walked away....lol
The pervert that exposed himself, I ran in to years later. He didn't recognize me for I grew up but I recognized him. It was awkward for he worked at the gas station. After I paid for the gas, I did invite him down to the bar I worked at, of course I thought why did you do that, but I was being polite. Never saw him again. LOL
The gist of the rest of my life to now is, yes my first marriage started out great but eventually got emotionally abused, 2nd marriage, his priority is all screwed up and both were/are selfish. My layers of my emotions have become tougher yet, very well guarded, in some instances the "I don't care comes out", saying no is easy and I don't ever feel guilty. I'm not a mean person but when someone gets me really mad which is hard to do unless "stupidity" comes out of a person, then my sternness and anger comes out. I don't have to cuss to get my point across. My daughter has become the same way. Stupidity is just one of my pet peeves.....LOL
Because of my life experiences, I have become that very independent, intelligent, caring, guarded , strong women. When I take a look back on my life, it just amazes me the person I have become. I'm honest, friendly, full of smiles and people who know me know when I don't feel good just by looking at me and know when not to say anything to me when I become really quiet. That's the time I'm pondering the situation before if needed, to say anything. I think before I react.
Even today layers still come off. Never to old to learn something that will change you. I hope people understand the point I was making. Sometimes my brain is scattered and just need to let it out the way it comes out. LOL Basically its the process of change we all go through and never to old to learn.