A brief history of my sex life. I dated the same guy all of my teen years and cheated on him a lot. I indulged a lot. I never felt bad. I loved him but fun things kept popping up around me. If he knew we definitely would have been on the news. I met my first husband at 18 and moved in with him a few weeks later, right out of my house with my high school boyfriend. Almost 9 years we were married and we were swingers. I wasn't sure at the time if it was who I was or the influence of him. I've decided the past few weeks that although he pushed me into the lifestyle, it was in my blood and probably what attracted him to me in the first place. I decided The swinging part of our marriage was our happiest time. We were both fully ourselves with each other sexually and I struggled because our marriage outside of the bedroom had problems. We hated each other, it was an awful and toxic relationship. I couldn't wait to be single. I would never fall for a douche like that again.
I met my second husband right away. He is amazing. He is the boy next door, a perfect Christian, Eagle Scout, a semi-prominent member of the community, ect. The list goes on he is the envy of everyone of my girlfriends. Our problem is he has probably only been with 2 other girls before me. He doesn't know how to handle me. He's hot as can be, I guess he was a late bloomer and that worked out to my advantage. We've been together 6 years, married 2 years now. I've tried showing him porn and he closes his eyes. He's pretty conservative sexually. We have AMAZING vanilla sex. He's been up to trying some new things but he just doesn't like anything different.
The need and desire to have my fantasies fulfilled consumes me. It's easy for women too. Well sometimes! I that's actually part of this story. I fell off the deep end last week and almost cheated. Wouldn't you know I could not get laid! I believe in fate and divine intervention. It's all worked out for the best. So I sat my hubby down and I told him that I was a bad girl. That I hit a low point and I'm a sex addict. He only asked if I physically cheated and I did not. He didn't ask any more questions. I told him we need to do something. It's really bad. I need help. We have a few options.....
1-We get a divorce and go our separate ways. He is the best stepdad ever to my kids and we have been trying to have one of our own but are so far unsuccessful. It would be a clean and easy split right now.
2-I seek counseling. How embarrassing. Enter sex rehab, sex addicts anonymous.
3-We slip into the don't ask and don't tell kind of marriage. Keeping in mind that we know lots of people in these types of marriages, they seem happy and together but you never know and I bet no. We have an amazing marriage and are quite happy for now but I can see where this is deadly for a healthy relationship. We planned a life together and we both still want to see it through.
4-He goes to confession or therapy or what ever he needs to be able to relax and come enjoy this ride of life with me. Maybe this is why the world is so horrible right now, all the selfishness. This is sin.
My hubby is a smart cookie, he chose option #4. Although I don't think he knows what he signed up for. I think he might regret it. But we have to roll the dice to beat the house. This is a double edged sword. He loves me for me and wants me to be happy. I love him for him and I want him to be happy too, but I doubt this will make him happy. I'm hoping he discovers some things about himself. I can't wait to see how he might develop. He just has a different brain. He doesn't really want to discover this side of himself. He thinks he wants to wait until retirement. I'm not going to push him, baby steps. I'm working with what I got and he's being amazing to me. We started off with a very expensive shopping spree at our local adult toy store. That should keep us busy for a long while. Now that's another story.
How I hit my low point.
I decided I really enjoyed the forums I read years ago before my divorce when we were swinging and I signed back up on a few websites. I just wanted to read and see what I thought was sexy, and what turned me on. Suddenly I was getting messaged by a cutie that I had way too much in common with. We became very flirty. I immediately told my husband, we are very loving and honest. He looked confused that I was confessing to online flirting with a guy in another state. His reaction was - well your not sleeping with him right, he is definitely in another state right, no I'm not threatened but this, I love how you have been happier and dressing up and working out and ripping my clothes off when I come home, I thank this guy and please carry on.
I'm paranoid however that he will read our conversations and be hurt. I love him, I don't want to hurt him. I'm feeling lots of shame and it is damaging to our relationship. So I escalate. I enter into full long distance relationship with this guy I never met. I fell for him hard. I'm planning on flying to visit him, I'm cutting my family vacation in half. The guy is almost my ultimate fantasy. I have to have it. Wait is he? He's only told me his fantasies and I have loved every one, but I haven't told him mine. I tell him I'm flying up there and I want him to do everything he's told me but here is what I want him to do to me......and yup a month of sexting and trading nudes and that was the last I heard from him. I was crushed.
I log online and timing is everything, here is a new cutie and his fantasy is my fantasy! I feel like I hit the lottery. Our relationship developed very rapidly. I don't even know how it happened. I fell for him hard. I was completely honest about my life and self and it was liberating. To tell a stranger ur darkest desires and hear theirs are the same. 48 hours after first speaking and I'm ordering an STD test and birth control for myself. I'm trying to have a baby! This is crazy. We are going on vacation this month and I'm on a shopping spree so I can go have sex with yet another stranger. $200 at Victoria Secret, $150 black dress, I finally upgrade my phone, good pictures is my newest priority. As a mom I always make my own cuts to save money even though we can afford things. I cut my dentist appointment to every three years, to save money. I'm freaking my teeth are a wreck. That's the good that is coming from this, I'm taking care of myself. I'm going to the dermatologist too. My hubby is very happy I'm up out of my funk and I'm loving life. He sees it. He likes the change in me. Maybe I'm bipolar, borderline personality, narsassitic, the list goes on.
Make a long story short, I think this guy has too much baggage. I don't think it's really happening. The distance between us is a problem. It's probably a fantasy. He's perfect, he will find someone closer to him.
I need a fix now. I'm spinning out of control. This guy talked the animal out of me. He gave me purpose. He made me feel normal and excepted. Star crossed lovers, same old story. What do I do now?
I somehow stumbled upon a website we won't name where men placed ads for free massages for women with a happy ending. Wow that sounds amazing! Also one of my bucket list items. I want it! I have to have it. I pick my favorite ad and reply. I'm so excited I failed to follow the directions in the ad. I send another message. I check the personals while I wait for a response and wow a lot of these guys sound hot. I'm out of control and I message about 10 of them demanding photos of their face. I'm aggressive, not at all like myself. I'm not thinking rationally. This is crazy dangerous. I suddenly realize I have a problem. I think most of the ads were the same guy and he quickly deleted all his ads. He probably thought I was a robot, a prostitute, or maybe the police lol which is ridiculous because there's no mention of money. Ugg I'm so frustrated I message 9 more ads. NOTHING! Can you believe it?!?! These guys struck gold and didn't know it.
I'm going to cry, I don't know what to do. I can't meet a guy in a bar. I remember one of my favorite new online friends plays separately from his wife. I was mostly interested in being friends but I'm desperate. He meets me for lunch. His personality was the same as online and I'm very pleased he was genuine, the spark just isn't there. I have to go back to work but I tell him I will definitely fuck him tonight after 5. I finish work, I shower, I shave, I get all dressed up he's waiting a block away for me to text my address. I pick up my phone to text him and I glance in the mirror. I thin of my sweet husband at work. I think he will forgive me, may be he wants me to, but I realize I won't forgive myself. This feels wrong. It is wrong. I don't even have feelings for this guy other than a friendship vibe. I call the guy back an hour later and apologize, it's not going to happen. He understands, he's very nice. I just can't.
So I do myself. It was amazing! That's just what I needed. Don't judge me, I master-bate, but it's different to indulge in your own fantasy and push yourself to the limits. I didn't think I had it in me. I'm good for a while. The beast is calming inside me. I've held it back for a bit. I still feel like I cheated. I still know I will cheat. This point I confess to my hubby all that I have been doing and my feelings of losing control.
I now have 6 fantasy lovers that send me cock pics every time I ask. I love it. I love this lifestyle. I love all of them. They all bring out different sides of me.
I compulsively replied to a different kind of ad a few days ago and now I own a slave. He's amazing. He's my favorite right now. I'm going to be real good to him. I've always thought I was a 100% submissive but going through this sexual journey and revolution inside me, I'm definitely becoming a switch. This will be a new post for another day. Now I'm excited to play. Wonder what the hubs will think of my new boy toy? Best part is my slave says I don't have to have sex with him but you know I'm a bad girl and I definitely will, one day with the hubs permission.
This is the sexy outfit my friend requested I wear. He had great taste. Pig tails, tutus, and green lace.