One year, two orthopedic specialists, multiple injections and pills, six weeks of physio, three physical therapists, countless general practitioners and UMC visits later, the damn thing hasn't healed. My insurance and any chance of coverage has been canceled/cut off. Surgery or any procedure would be far too epensive for me. The last MRI I had revealed there to still be inflimmation, internal bleeding and a curvature in my shoulder that constricts the rotator tendons. In orther words, my rotator is still fucked-up and it still hurts.
Forget about the physical pain I go through daily. What REALLY eats me every waking minute is the fact that before the injury was the most pregnant, ripest moment in my life. For the first time in my adulthood, I was mentally and emotionally ready for the next step. I wasd going to turn "pro." I had already gigged here and there and jammed countless times, but I had never played a steady gig. I had been studying music since I was 13, and I was ready to apply all the knowledge and technique I had aquired and all that I was yet to aquire to full use, and take my playing to the net level. I was in the right place, I was discliplined like I had never been before. I felt "I'm young, not even 30, I have all this time to achieve greatness not to be recognized by others, but to be an expression of deepest feelings that spoken language can't articulate. I was teaching just enough to give me the practice time I needed. I was studying with jazz guitar legend Joe Lano, and practicing furiously. I had no financial responsibilities other than rent and food, which my parent helped pay for, and even offered to pay for the whole thing, knowing most of my free time and money was going toward practicing music. I had never experienced those combination of things, and they were all intended for one purpose, in fact the entire purpose of my life somewhat: TO FIND MYSELF.
Jazz and other improvisational musics take such disclipline, musial knowledge and tehnique and lets you "find" your own personal improvisation voice (that is the melodic patterns, harmonic contexts and textures, scale choices, rhythmic tendencies ect that the improvisor choses to use) which in some cultures is even used to commuicate with gods. I was actually happier than I had ever been with the idea that every day I wake up, I would realize just how much I could find myself through the music, and each day I could find more and more. Music had NEVER been as much of a lifestyle as it was to me.
Then it all started to escalate. I began dating some girl when I shouldn't have been dating at all. The whole mess with her transpired. Then I audition for and get the spot as guitarist in jazz vocalist Brenda Harrah's combo! One problem: the pain started
Though this last year has in fact been miserable, a hell I wish on absolutely non of my enemies, I have had to learn how to cope; something I still haven't fully learned how to do. I don't know if music other than teaching is in my future, I don't know if my torn shoulder will ever heal, but I do know that the organized capitalistic government of this imperialistic country and its health department don't regard me as they regard the rich, those with insurance companies like Aetna.
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