Really need some advice
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:10 PM
Anyway, now she says she just doesn't have the sex drive and we have had sex maybe once over the last 6 weeks. We had sex once when she was drunk too, but I don't really count that. The only time we have had sex is on our wedding night. She just isn't into it. I really don't know what to do. I feel like maybe she isn't attracted to me, but she assures me that isn't the case. I've bought her a toy and everything so even if she doesn't want to do it with me, she can get some relief if she wants. But whenever we do have sex, it's usually pretty passionate with a lot of foreplay (I absolutely love it and so does she) and she always orgasms. I know it isn't that it's not good for her, I just don't know what it is.
On top of everything, I'm in law school at Harvard, which obviously is ultra competitive and I'm stressed out every damn day and I don't really have time for anything substantial for stress relief like working out or running. I try to run in the morning but it's almost physically impossible for me because I don't get much sleep. Now we've got finals and I have so much pent up frustration that it just physically affects me. I don't feel like doing anything at all because I am burnt out and I have no relief in sight.
I truly don't believe that I am unattractive or emotionally abusive to her or anything like that. She truly loves me and we have fun together with everything else we do. Whenever I am in a bad mood, it is almost always because I am sexually frustrated. I just have no idea what to do. It frustrates me even more that her sex drive was so high before we met and for the first half of our relationship.. but now.. it's really just terrible.
Thanks for any advice and I am sorry if this is not the correct forum for this type of post.
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:21 PM
Once a week is terrible. Once a month is torture. You two need to sit down and TALK! Once a week you need
to set aside a night/day to have sex for 1 or 2 hours. Schedules get messed up. We get tired. We don't
communicate. TALK! Schedule sex.
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 12:44 PM
The thing is, she doesn't ever initiate anything. I can't recall the last time she wanted to have sex. I think it was when I was out of town for business this past summer and was gone for about 10 days. She was truly passionate the moment I returned and we had sex for a hour or two. She feels like its an obligation or something even though she loves it when we do have sex.
Next semester we will see each other much less frequently as she will be teaching almost 2 hours away. So we will likely only see each other on the weekends, if that. I don't want something to stem from this and one of us make a mistake next semester when we are not around as much. I have absolutely no intention of ever leaving her and certainly not over sex. It was never that big of a deal to me when we were doing it once or twice a week.. now it's becoming even more rare and I am exponentially more stressed out and in need. She says stuff like, "oh you can put it in", "I know guys have needs", and things of that nature... but honestly I just can't do it when I know she doesn't really want to. To me, it's like making her do a chore and that's not something that I can do and feel good about. It's hard for me to even get hard in a situation like that and harder to actually release when I have that thought in the back of my mind.
I really just don't know how to approach it. I feel like if I say something, she will spitefully start having sex more often but it will not be in a genuine fashion.. she'll act like she is doing me a favor or that I'm placing some type of burden on her. I would never cheat - but lately I have thought about it more than ever.. and I feel terrible inside for feeling that way. I just have no idea what to do.
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 01:28 PM
First thing you need to do is talk to your wife, and express yourself to her, the same way you expressed yourself here. She is your wife, she will understand where your coming from. Give her a bit more credit, talking about it, and let her know that you are sexually frustrated to the point where you feel like cheating on her. It's the best way to go in this situation. If you feel your not having enough sex, honesty is the best way to go.
The point I'm trying to make is that: Your wife needs to know how bad not having sex with her makes you feel. Let me tell you something about me. If I'm not having sex with my girlfriend at least 5 times a week. I'm not happy. My girlfriend does get in modes where she just doesn't want to have sex and we can go a week or two weeks without having sex. You know what I tell her??? I say, " look if we don't have sex today, I'm gone go out and find a women to have sex with until you get back in the mood again. You know what happen's next? We have sex. and more sex. There is no way a man like myself is not gone have sex with a women I share my life with. It ain't gone happen man.
It's not just sex. Don't say things like. "Your not going to leave your wife just over sex" It just seems to me like your not making sex a priority in your life. Sex should be the number 1 priority. NUMBER 1. If it was just "sex" like you say. Why would you even think about cheating on your wife if it's just sex. Naaah man. Sex is important to you. Nothing wrong with that. Let your wife know. You might be surprise. Your wife is a women, a human being. She want's sex just as bad as the next person. There is something going with her. Find out what it is by talking. And in no time your lack of having sex problem will be a thing of the past.
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 01:44 PM
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 01:55 PM
Hmm, I hope you're not starting a new religion with this... Sex may be your number one priority, but I'll be damned if you try to convince me it be the first priority in my life... It ain't, and it'll never be.
OP, I think you married too young, and possibly to the wrong person... First step in your situation would be to have a good talk with her... One that takes at least about two hours, over a bottle of wine, where you both can actually bare yourself and be frank about your expectations about sex, and how all this is going to be in the future if for some reason one is not willing to share their body with the other.
Of course, being so young, you can say that you will neer cheat on your wife, but I invite you to go around this board and check all those threads about cheating. Interestinglly enough, some people who're very inclined towards strict monogamy have no qualms in leaving their partners if they don't fulfill marital duties on their terms, but by no means they'll be caught cheating. Being married is indeed a difficult predicament. I was once married, and I divorced mostly for reasons of abuse... Of course abuse doesn't lead to proper lubrication, but that was more of a symptom rather than the cause.
I suggest you find some time to relax too. Leaving such a stressful life is not conducive to a great sex life either. You both really need to make an effort, but mostly her... Unfortunately hormones get in the way too often with women, and negative emotions, stress, and all sorts of things aren't definitely good for foreplay.
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 04:59 PM
I think the main problem with your relationship rli66 is that you are not spending enough quality time together, not watching a movie or going on for a walk together etc. These moments help bond emotionally. Instead of sex, how about doing some intimacy together such as giving each other massages or having a bath or shower together. They will help with bonding and reduce stress and they can at times lead onto sex. Also if you need sex relief you can always masturbate, a lot of men still masturbate even in relationships.
If this fails then you two need to find the time and talk it over and maybe not just sex but the realionship as a whole. Maybe even think about seeing a counselor. Being a part and not spending time together is a real relationship killer so I think that this should be discussed as well.
I hope you two can resolve this. Take care.
Posted Sat Dec 10, 2011 10:38 PM
And, I'm only half kidding
Posted Sun Dec 11, 2011 05:54 PM
In our case we resolved the issue by going to couples counseling. Something we were both extremely nervous about, but we made the obligation to our relationship to do it and embrace whatever came out of it. It was a relationship saver!!!! Highly recommend it to everyone!!!
Posted Sun Dec 11, 2011 09:55 PM