Guess what I found on my sons dresser...a co....
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 02:45 AM
I would really like to hear back from you all specifically if and what I should say to my son? I am not sure that a little sexual exploration is all bad and based on my experience if there is no testing the waters to see if there is compatibility in this area it could really spell disaster in the long run. Personally I have become much freer sexually. Thanks for reading and considering this. Jonny
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 05:18 AM
How old is your son? Have you ever discussed sex with him previously?
I would start with being open and honest, and simply tell him that you realise that puberty and young adulthood is a minefield of hormones and emotions, and that whatever choices he makes you are there to support and love him, and that you are always there with information or advice, or simply to be a sounding board, should he need one.
Personally, I think the foundation to an open and understanding parent child relationship requires communication on all matters at any age. Within reason, of course. I answer any questions my kids ask, whether it be on their bodies, where babies come from, or any other subject, as simply and honestly as I can. Obviously I use appropriate answers, (I wouldn't tell a three year old all about sex, but I did say that babies are grown in mummy's tummy and daddy fertilises the egg to make it grow - without the minute details) but it allows them the knowledge that I will try to help them understand anything that is happening to their bodies and in their environment. And that I don't bullshit them.
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 06:23 AM
Now, I understand that this is not your current concern. I would explain to him (depending on how old he is), that sexual incompatibility will destroy the strongest relationships. I don't know of any happy couples who are not happy with each other in the bedroom. Though it does not always lead to the end of the relationship, it always ends in resentment and bitterness between partners. Though you should encourage him to wait until he finds somebody special to lose his virginity to, also encourage him to "sample the milk before he buys the cow". Then, whether he wants to hear it or not, give him all the facts about safe sex. I would suggest taking a look at this before you talk and send him here after you talk. Ultimately, the choice is his and all you can do is give him as much information as you can so that he can make an informed decision.
This post has been edited by wouch: Tue Jan 17, 2012 06:28 AM
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 07:55 AM
Personally, I don't suscribe to any sort of youth pledges... Those things may go well when you have a very tight structure in terms of parental supervision, extended family support, and religious community network. If any of those elements fails, the result can be disastrous. Why? Because those frameworks never consider moderation as a tool of self control. It's either all or nothing. So, in your case, you already went through a divorce, simply forget about the religious framework you grew up in because that's not going to work with your kid.
As I said, put your own experience on the line... The more frank you are, the better it will go. Once you've had that conversation, encourage your son to bring his questions to you, that you won't act judgemental if he does, and be prepared for this eventuality too. Not long ago my own son told me that all his friends watched porn, do you think telling him not to would've been the best response? Absolutely not...
Talking in terms of DOs and DONTs won't get you anywhere, a frank talk about sex should include the topics of moderation and consideration. STI/STDs is simple, don't think your work is done after that. Sexual education is also about how to behave with the other gender, and understanding emotions and pleasure. Make sure you take a look at this... http://goodmenprojec...t-being-a-jerk/
This post has been edited by Olive: Tue Jan 17, 2012 08:00 AM
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 09:15 AM
We always taught them to honest and careful in their choices of sexual behavour and this seems to have rubbed off .
They have shown much restraint in their physical needs,as I have often noted,yet said to either "go on son get in there"!
But they have standards aparently.
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:15 AM
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:55 AM
One way to start is to talk about your feelings on religion that might have led him to this choice without specifically mentioning that you found that pledge in his room.
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 02:46 PM
Anyway I am getting kind of wordy here and making this more about me which I don't want to do its just that I don't feel that in this area of life they would respect what i have to say because my whole world view now on sexuality and theirs are miles apart. Thanks again for all your input. Jonny
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 03:06 PM
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 03:17 PM
Posted Tue Jan 17, 2012 08:39 PM
Here is my advice:
Concentrate on staying connected to your son, not for the purpose of influencing him, but for the purpose of staying connected. People change and have all sorts of life experiences. Your son will be no different, let him find his own way. Just be open about your own life and set the kind of example you want. It's really the only way to influence your children's life after about 12, ie by example.
Posted Wed Jan 18, 2012 09:55 AM
I can only guess what kind of sexually repressed environment your kids have been raised in due to possible religious beliefs which could probably be far worst - at least your son isn't dealing with child support. Silver lining!
There must have been some dialog about sex because making purity pledges isn't something a kid is going to do on their own. If they're going to be listening to anyone, might as well be sure you have your voice heard, too.
Posted Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:37 PM
Posted Fri Jan 20, 2012 09:52 PM
Well now we are 7 years from that time and I need to grow some nads and have an open discussion with my son and thanks mostly to you all Spencer and I are going to go do some winter boating and clamming and see if I cant find an opportunity to open a discussion about the subject.
Olive I totally agree with what you said and your wisdom is spot on as usual! Stanleyz thanks for what you said, it has been a long time in coming but yes they don't any longer judge or blame me. As I said before they have moved in with me in part because they no longer wanted to be under the religious oppression of their mother. I have had to be patient and have been very careful to not in any way disparage their mother and that has paid off.
Wouch your post was what sealed the deal for me, I have every right and lots of advise to give them and it got me thinking that contrary to what I have been telling myself, I have a lot of good in me to give them!!
Yah uh Hockey Psycho I respect your position on atheism and all but I am too far in on the whole God thing...for me to pull out now...it would be the spiritual equivalent being "randy" beyond the point of no return and then trying to hold it in. But I agree with you on the whole porn thing!! Ya Im a horney baptist!! Oh and I used to like hockey and was a huge Minnesota North Star fan but I lost heart when they got sold to Texas!!
Ok I have said enough and, what a great community here!! I will let you know how the whole conversation goes with my son. Cheers everyone!! Jonny
Posted Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:43 PM
Posted Sat Jan 21, 2012 05:32 AM
Back to your kids though. They are grown and if they wish to be intimate with someone then they have that right and what they need is their parents love and support. Even with teens in highschool these days if your 16 or 17 you have urges and when a teen today makes up their mind then anything but support from his/her parents can create conflict in the family and in the end they will have sex if that was their plan all along. Lust is a strong thing and to take that feeling away from a teen is hard and can sometimes cause a resentment in the teen and lead to rebellion which can then lead to the teen making poor choices or even substance abuse. Kids need support and guidance but to control them will only create conflict.