Which is worse? Affairs
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:02 AM
Affairs - Emotional + physical are obviously the worst for most of us, I would think. But please give me your thouhts on the following:
Physical only affairs
Emotional only affairs
Which is more damanging or hurtful should it happen to you? Why? Which would be easier for you to fall into? Why?
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:14 AM
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:46 AM
i can get why people think that emotional is worse because it is awful. the person is falling in love with/has fallen in love with someone else while they're supposed to be in love with you, and that much be an awful situation to be in. but here is my reasoning for disliking physical more. it's like, the guy loves me and he only loves me, but he'd risk that love for a one night stand or a physical affair. like he doesn't even want the woman but still, he has so little respect for me that he would go and have sex with someone else against my own wishes, who he has no intention on ever being with. at least with an emotional fair there is kind of more of a reason for him to be cheating... like it wasn't for nothing because he was actually really into this other woman, but with physical, it's actually for nothing. i do believe that sometimes people can't control their emotions and sometimes you do end up falling for people who you didn't mean to fall for, but a guy doesn't go out and accidentally fuck some girl because he's horny. he knew what he was doing, he knew the effect it would have and he still did it anyway.
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 06:56 AM
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 07:26 PM
1. I don't really know until I've been there. I've never, for certain, been cheated on (physical only, emotional only, or physical and emotional), so this would just be speculation. (Not that I hope to find out.)
2. What counts as "emotionally cheating"? Is it that my partner has a major crush (maybe to the point of slightly obsessive) on a celebrity or associate, one that he never confesses? Is it that my partner is conducting an online/sexting affair with someone that he never physically touches, but spends lots of time on? Does genuinely falling in love with someone else count as emotional cheating, even if he still does his best to focus his attention and love on me?
3. Whether it is "physical only" or "emotional only," cheating is showing me and our relationship disrespect and lack of consideration, and it is erroneous to say that there is no emotional betrayal in that, even with an "It was just physical! It was just sex!" argument.
For me, I care about the honesty and the effort put into our relationship. Sex with another with my approval isn't cheating; sex with another without my approval (or some sort of previous agreement that would cover the situation) is. Cybersex doesn't bother me, since it doesn't put us at physical risk, but it would if it started to negatively impact our relationship... like if he started to neglect me in favor of his cyber-partner. It's not the acts as much the consideration put into the acts.
So, yeah... I'm afraid that I'll just have to say that an act of deliberate betrayal is what I would consider worst.
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 07:31 PM
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:45 PM
Physical betrayal means emotional has already happened .
Emotional means physical isn't far behind , unless they both happen at the same time .
In my world there are very few grey areas , & my reaction would be brutal .
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:57 PM
Posted Wed Feb 08, 2012 11:05 PM
One of the things I feel (so I'm talking about my personal values) about cheating is that it is morally wrong to have sex outside your relationship without your partner knowing because they have a right to make informed, consenting decisions about their body.
And unless my partner was going to now insist on wearing condoms 100% of the time with me and his affairs (a scenario that was previously unheard of in my dating life--as most guys were either neutral about condoms or left the decision solely up to me, which doesn't give me much faith in most people when they sleep around) physical cheating is definitely more of a deal breaker for me.
Posted Thu Feb 09, 2012 02:35 AM
I say primarily, because I can't have sex without feeling some emotional regard or attachment, and an emotional connection takes time - quality time. I would have to prioritize the person I'm with, except if it's an affair of convenience, as in "I'm in town for a few weeks/months, let's spend some fun time together" or "my partner has decided we should take a break from one another; I choose to break with you".
Either way, if I can't stand up and say what I'm doing - not to ask for permission, just to say it - then I believe that it is wrong, because I'm skulking and lying and hiding like a guilty bum.
And I would be.
Posted Thu Feb 09, 2012 06:27 AM
My ex-husband cheated on me, and the physical fact that he fucked another woman was bad enough, but the fact that he confided in her how he felt about OUR marriage, things that he still, to this day, has never discussed with me, was what hurt the most. It was a total disregard for the commitment we made when marrying, and while he laid the blame for our marriage failing squarely at my feet, he never actually gave me the courtesy of telling me about any of the "issues" so that they could be worked through. He used them as a way to communicate with and seduce/ or excuse to be seduced by another woman.
My current partner and I are both on the same page with our relationship boundaries. We discuss everything, and all interactions with the opposite sex, whether it be flirtatious banter, or platonic conversation. If he wanted to be intimate with someone else, then we would discuss it, and hopefully find a resolution that suited us both.
Secrecy is what causes the most misery, along with dishonesty. I wouldn't need physical or emotional affair to occur, just being deceived about anything, even just a friend, would be enough for me to walk away. I don't relate to lies or liars. And being lied to by the one person I should be able to trust with my life, is the biggest betrayal I could imagine.
ETA - neither would be possible for me, as if I felt a desire to be intimate with someone else, I would be more inclined to discuss this urge with my partner and work out what it is that I am craving from our relationship that I'm not getting, or if it is a signal that the relationship I am in has run its course, than I am to go behind his back to do ANYTHING with anyone.
This post has been edited by MissyM: Thu Feb 09, 2012 06:31 AM
Posted Fri Feb 10, 2012 02:36 AM
My thoughts exactly!
Posted Fri Feb 10, 2012 03:15 AM
You may bond emotionally with another, share Ideals, interests, etc and then you take it to another level.
You could just be having sex or similar relations, but develop feelings for them.
Posted Fri Feb 10, 2012 01:56 PM
After going through this experience with my ex wife, that was the component that did the most damage.
I now believe that people are only as faithful as their current options. Men and women get bored and societies restraints make affairs even more alluring.
Posted Fri Feb 10, 2012 02:04 PM
Posted Sat Feb 11, 2012 06:33 AM
Thank you for your excellent responses! I appreciate them and the elaboration you all provided. This was helpful!
Posted Thu May 31, 2012 03:29 AM
Posted Thu May 31, 2012 06:36 AM
I know this might be hard for a lot of folks to wrap their heads around, but it does happen and it happens more than a lot of people think too...one half of the union just loosing all interest in sex but the rest of the relationship is all good. So just because you might not want it, don't deny your partner of it.
Emotional ones would be tougher in my book because that really implies some more serious issues going on. If the issues were not addressed and the affair began as a result then that kind of lends itself to a failure to communicate and why that is happening. Maybe the partners have just grown apart over time...it happens.
Posted Thu May 31, 2012 11:43 AM
Strangely if my wife had a physical relationship I wouldn't be anywhere near as fussed. The logic behind that is there are things I couldn't do with my wife that another woman could, whereas another bloke would be a direct replacement for me and that wouldn't be easy to take.