I need advice!
Posted Sat Feb 18, 2012 07:47 PM
Posted Sat Feb 18, 2012 08:11 PM
Cuddling: if your nervous about bringing it up and saying that you're upset that he isn't cuddling, try going at it from a different angle. Bring up during the day how much you love it when he cuddles with you after sex. Plant the idea with some positive feedback.
Your pleasure: telling him not to cum probably isn't going to change things. If you think he's going to cum, try stooping to change positions or give a little tease. During foreplay ask him to do something to you: 'it gets me so wet when you do _______' or 'I cum so hard when you _________'
You gotta communicate with him....
Posted Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:15 AM
The others have had good advice so far. I will add that part of the problem might be performance anxiety. Not the kind that results in impotence, but that the more he worries about lasting long enough the more quickly he finishes. Telling a guy not to cum, is the worst way to prevent it from happening. The minute we think about not cumming - it's inevitable. When he finishes too quickly, he then feels ashamed/embarrassed and doesn't want to "face you" which leads him to avoid cuddling. Vicious cycle, but I'm sure most men who care about their partner's satisfaction have gone through it!
Addressing it is complicated. First, you have to assess if this is truly the case, or if he has just become a lazy lover. Depending on your relationship and how well you communicate about difficult subjects, you may not be able to talk him about it directly, because he may not be able to admit it to you if it is performance anxiety. You may need to base it on your ability to read through his actions and the bullshit that spews from his mouth (after all, he's male).
If you feel that it may be performance anxiety, then you can help. TAKE CHARGE! Be the aggressor one evening. Use extended foreplay on him, allow him to pleasure you without penetration in a way that you are still in control of the situation, stimulate him directly and then move on to another part of the body letting him cool down without stopping the fun completely, make it last, make it fun, DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT MAKING HIM LAST LONGER. When you are ready, whether you've had your turn or not, jump on top and make him cum as hard and as fast as you can. Stroke his ego about how great he is and how you WANT him to finish. After, cuddle with him and let him know how great he was.
His ego needs to be reset, so that he can stop worrying about lasting long enough or being able to pleasure you enough. Once he BELIEVES that he can, he will be much more likely to be able to follow through.
If performance anxiety isn't the issue, then this is a symptom of another issue entirely. Here is where communication is absolutely the only way to get through it. It could be completely unrelated to you, but it it likely something in his life that is making him ashamed and unable to face you. Bad review at work, finances, feeling like an unfit father - any of the things that HE COULD FEEL as though he hasn't done enough in your eyes could present itself with poor bedroom performance. For someone who used to cuddle to suddenly stop is a sign that they are ashamed. Most women want to think along the lines of he doesn't feel close to me anymore, or has he been cheating, but that presents itself differently and more slowly. It's the exact opposite, he feels very close to you, but doesn't feel like he is doing enough for you. If you can make him feel better about himself, the outward behavior will change very quickly.
We're simple creatures - there's a reason dogs are man's best friend...
Feel free to dismiss everything I have said, because only you know him well enough to assess the situation. However, you need to think like a man while doing so.
Posted Tue Feb 21, 2012 03:14 PM
Posted Thu Feb 23, 2012 03:42 PM
Posted Thu Feb 23, 2012 03:59 PM
Posted Fri Feb 24, 2012 03:46 PM
Posted Mon Feb 27, 2012 02:10 PM
Posted Thu Mar 01, 2012 01:08 AM
Posted Thu Mar 01, 2012 01:22 AM
How long have you and your husband been together?
Posted Thu Mar 01, 2012 12:52 PM
Things ebb and flow in anyone's life and it sounds like there is some ebbing going on in your husband's life right now. As his life partner you can take two approaches. 1) you could feel like you are not getting what you need or want, which is true, but doesn't solve the problem. or .. 2) you could realize that he needs you right now and give him all the things you think might make him feel connected to you.
Connections between people are tenuous, and often require one person to step outside of their comfort zone and express a need to connect. In marriages sometimes you have to make an extra effort just to be there for the person without getting anything in return. I'm pretty sure you can cuddle him even in his sleep. It might be that he needs you to reach out to him and envelop him in your love and warmth.
Try this for a few months - put forth a special effort to make him cum hard and fast then cuddle the hell out of him afterwards and tell him what a great lover he is. You can either be another stress / demand in his life or the thing he looks forward to coming home to. Perspective is everything.
That said I totally understand where you are coming from. I just got out of a marriage of 13 years that had turned into a one way street emotionally and sexually for the last 6 or so years. Eventually the pattern was so established that there was no fixing it and I had to leave or go crazy. I learned a lot during that time. One of the things I wish I had of done different was to reach out more instead of feel like I was missing or not getting something. If you feel you are not getting something you withdraw. That is often the opposite reaction that is needed to get it.
Good luck! Be the person to him you want him to be to you and things will probably work out. If they don't, please don't wait 6 years to move on like I did, that is the other thing I wish I had of done different....
Posted Sat Mar 03, 2012 08:34 AM
Posted Sun Mar 04, 2012 02:41 AM
Thanks inruss! Many of us try to make up for the "I'd do you better. Can we chat?" crowd.
Posted Fri Mar 09, 2012 08:56 AM
First I truly empathize with you and know what you are feeling only from the male side. My second wife knew that I enjoyed foreplay and when she would reach orgasm she would actually get out of bed. Without any two way communication our marriage soon turned south. The most important area of any relationship whether it be marriage, friendship, family, formal, or informal is constant back and both communication between the participants! And the key to good communication is to listen. "You need to learn to listen between the lines, and notice the elephant in the room." - Geoffrey Schmitt
How long have you been married? If you've been married for a while, but even if you are relatively newlyweds, I'm sure you know that marriage like life has cycles, its ebbs and flows, its ups and downs. Has your husband's sexual performance recently changed or has he always been this way. If this is a recent change; it's possible that your husband has hit a low point in his sexual cycle or is possibly facing something outside the bedroom that is affecting his performance. Is he under any extra pressure at work; how is his health; have there been any changes major or minor that may be affecting his behavior. If his attitude has not changed than he is just an inconsiderate jerk. In any case you need to open a path of communication. It should be done in a relaxed atmosphere; when you have time to discuss the problem without having to rush and have no outside interference or distractions. Make sure your approach is a positive one; because if he feels that he is being attacked he will immediately go on the defensive and not hear what you are really saying. But you still must be open and honest with him, explaining your feelings, wants, desires, and needs. Don't be discouraged if it takes more than one session, but hang in there and keep the lines of communication open and flowing. If this has been a recent change you should boost his ego (remember how fragile our male egos can be) by telling him what a great lover he is, and tell him of how much you enjoy it when he does whatever it is that you enjoy. Rather than just laying there passively when he rolls over, you need to become pro-active. Snuggle up against his back by spooning him, caress him , kiss him, tell him what a good lover he is! Just keep up the positive reinforcement. Another thing you could do is stretch out the amount of time devoted to foreplay, and guide him into doing things you enjoy and than giving him immediate positive reinforcement when he does something you really liked. Even the next day you can provide him with more positive reinforcement by telling him something like "Babe you really rocked my boat last night when you did .....; how did you know to do that!" Even if you had to lead him kicking and screaming by his nose or that other part of his anatomy that he so cherishes. I know this seems like it's putting all of the burden on you, but remember you don't want this behavior to become set in concrete; so you must take positive action before it does become entrenched. And the only way is through open, honest communication. As Robin Williams once said "God gave men both a brain and a penis, but unfortunately not enough blood to satisfy both!"
I wish you the best of luck, and hope your situation is resolved positively. JUST HANG IN THERE!!!!
Posted Fri Mar 09, 2012 09:16 AM
Talk all you want, but your not going to really change that, it's just how they are. If your goal is a orgasm get it first before they do.
If you truly feel that way than I feel sorry for you and wonder where in your life you were so hurt that you've developed such a negative and pessimistic outlook.
Posted Fri Mar 09, 2012 05:50 PM
Posted Wed Mar 14, 2012 01:30 AM
Posted Wed Mar 14, 2012 09:00 AM