Tell Me A Joke!
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:21 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in MY closet now."
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:22 PM
The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Hey, you see that kid? We should screw him."
The Rabbi replies, "Screw him out of what?"
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:23 PM
Adventurous.........................Slept with everyone.
Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
We need...............................I want
I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry
We need to talk......................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you..............................Let's have sex now
I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.............gay.
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:25 PM
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts,
a łSave the Whales" hat, and a "Impeach Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling
and frantically thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of an enormous 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then, using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard
there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and
has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding
up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:26 PM
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every Man on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets
get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, shefinally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled.
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me, I added, Why can't you just love me
for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:27 PM
The father thinks, and finally resolves upon an answer. "When your ear itches, and you stick your finger in to scratch, which feels better afterwards?"
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:27 PM
This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to the 5 most important questions in the world:
Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for "suck here."
Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Now, you know everything you need to know.
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:29 PM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washingtonchemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:31 PM
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my father was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ." Pooooof! With the blink of the genie's eyes, the land in Canada was made forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed at this. He thought a moment, then said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious lands." Pooooof! Again, with a blink of the genie's eyes, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the lands. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American says, "Fill it with water."
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:33 PM
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man said.
"You gotta be kidding me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the walker said, "Well, okay..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. Immediately the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this poor guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and said, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the new guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the new guy shook his head in sympathy, then walked around behind him and kissed him gently on the nape of the neck.
"This just ain't gonna be your day, is it cupcake?"
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:37 PM
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:40 PM
man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
'We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,'
said one trooper.
'Tell me! Did you find her?!' Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the
The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five
pound king crabs and 6 good size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:43 PM
features that a woman finds attractive on a man can differ,
depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle. For
example: If a woman is ovulating, she is likely to be attracted to
men with rugged and masculine features. If she is
menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a
man with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ass
while he is on fire.
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:45 PM
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:46 PM
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:47 PM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:48 PM
Old man says "Well at least I ain't got cancer."
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:50 PM
Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds...
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Larry has been missing since Friday
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:56 PM
cow loomed in front of the car, the driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes
in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge
Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the
cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said,
'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.'
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Posted Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:57 PM
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"