Looking for some advice from the girls of SF, Confused and frustrated here Intimacy problems
Posted Thu May 17, 2012 03:27 AM
Allright so i've been dating this girl for 2 1/2 years and up until the last few months things we're great, We had sex 3 or 4 times a week, and it was sheet drenching can't get up because you're still shaking kind of sex...I'm not gonna say i'm a god in the sack, But I know i'm good at foreplay because of the body language I get...She used to squirt when I went down on her...We hit a rough spot last month and I found out she'd been seeing another guy...They fooled around 3 times before I confronted her about it...Which of course was met with vigorous denial...Again, I read her body language and we talked through the lies and she came clean, openly and honestly...Followed by alot of tears and deep regret...After we talked it through we decided we had too much to loose and I told her i've forgiven her in spite of the fact that she broke my heart and stabbed me in the back...I feel we're both to blame, along with a great deal of recent stress in our lives, but we're getting back into a healthy relationship, the only thing thats been getting to me is the lack of intimacy...
We have sex once a week maybe if that, and I feel overall neglected which really sucks considering everything that happened...I'm pretty confident she cheated for emotional reasons, I know the guy...He's a manipulator, and purposely goes for girls who arn't sure of their relationships because he gets results...Since then when I try to be intimate, like gentle carressing on the stomach, around the nips, the thighs...She tells me she doesn't like the rubbing/tickling feeling, but I can't help feeling that shes using it as an excuse...When I offer, or try to surprise her with oral she withdraws telling me shes not in the mood...The affection is still there...We kiss, cuddle, shower together, hold hands...I asked her why she did it and she told me she didnt know at first...So I gave her time to think and she eventually started to give me a few answers...The one that bugged me the most is she says she doesnt get aroused anymore, which I believe because she has trouble getting wet...She's been on hormonal birth control since she was 16, She says because she's anemic and she bled profusely when her time of the month came around, and I've heard from alot of sources it can seriously kill someones sex drive...
I'm really hoping this is the case and not the other way around, just using me for the emotional aspect and secretly seeing him still for the physical...Honestly I don't care about the sex...Call me a prude or whatever but i've been in alot of relationships with no sex, just a ton of teasing and foreplay...Which is probably why they didnt last very long hahaha...But like I said above, I must be pretty good in bed if she was ejaculating when we started dating...Sometimes her orgasms are so intense I can barely keep it in her...And i'm about 8" so its not due to lack of size :/ I suppose the sex has gotten a bit repetitive, But i'm finding it hard to change things up because of her lack of passion in bed...She doesnt like to change positions much, Which I dont mind, But that does kind of make it hard for me to make it less repetitive...I've tried erotic massages by the candlelight, but she gets so relaxed because she works so damn much she doesnt want to move after...She just lays on her stomach and lets me have my way with her...And thats not what I want...I want that intimate bond back...I want the passion back...But I dont want to just move on either because we actually care for eachother deeply...
She's been trying to be more physical, I can tell...But i'm not sure why she's holding back...We like to lie around naked because we're comfortable with eachother, And she'll touch me, she'll tease me...But I cant remember the last time she gave me a blowjob or helped me along...I have a much higher drive obviously, I didnt fool around much when I was younger by choice like I said above...But i'm also not ignorant, My father taught sex classes so i've gotten plenty of pointers, along with the psychology behind it...I've read the kama sutra "Big deal, its just a guideline not a manual" lol Regardless i've got technique and i've got rhythm...And I thought I knew what turned her on...So what suddenly changed? I'm so confused and frustrated I don't even feel like masturbating anymore...And thats not really helping any, just heightening my frustration...
Thanks in advance to any of you who actually read all this...Any advice or personal experience would help...Am I just not being patient enough..? Because after her cheating on me, the last thing I want is to be patient about bringing our sex life...well...back to life...
Posted Thu May 17, 2012 08:12 AM
Read this: http://www.sexforums...-birth-control/
Posted Thu May 17, 2012 08:34 AM
She has been unfaithful before and it sounds like although she enjoys spending time with you, she is unsure about the relationship.
I think that perhaps you need to have a conversation with her about the relationship (not the sex) and find out where she wants it to go and what she wants out of it.
Posted Thu May 17, 2012 08:56 AM
Remember her affair is probably just a symptom of some deeper issue. Maybe she isn't ready to talk about it, just be patient and caring and take every opportunity to show her your love. I can't tell you it will fix it, but I can tell you this is how the hubs helped me reclaim myself after some problems I had
Posted Thu May 17, 2012 09:23 AM
Posted Thu May 17, 2012 02:21 PM
Posted Tue Jun 05, 2012 06:03 PM
Posted Wed Jun 06, 2012 04:08 AM
i am obviously not your girlfriend and her views and opinions may be completely different to mine, but i definitely do not agree with this. for me the emotional aspect is so much more important than the physical. if you are not emotionally connected with someone then no amount of sex is going to fix that. you need to talk to her and try and reconnect by communicating and not through sex. generally changes in sex are a symptom of some sort of emotional problems. there is obviously something going on with her that is preventing her from letting loose the way she used to. i highly doubt it's your physical performance so you really need to stop stressing about that and consider other options.
i agree with the people who have said that you are focusing way too much on the sex.
talk to her!!! i cannot stress this enough. nobody else will be able to tell you exactly what is going on except for her. you can be patient all you want but if she's not opening up and you're not trying to communicate then nothing is going to change.
Posted Wed Jun 06, 2012 04:53 AM
It could be deeper issues that she feels bad about herself for going with another guy and somehow feels 'unclean' for you and not wanting to be intimate.
Lots of reassurance and petience too, loads of reassurance. Try taking her away for a couple of days, outside of your normal environment without the stresses of your normal day to day lives, see if this makes a difference. Don't put any pressure on her just get a nice hotel and plan a few things to do together and just see how it flows.
Posted Wed Jun 06, 2012 11:37 AM
The first step is for her to be absolutely honest about what lead up to the cheating, and what she's feeling now to make such a stark change from how she used to be. To make things better, it'll take the both of you trying to make the relationship work instead of just one bending over backwards to accommodate the other in the hopes that things just clear up on their own.
As much as you may not want to hear someone tell you consider moving on from someone that you love, there comes a point where you have to ask yourself when it's a good option.
Posted Thu Jun 07, 2012 08:15 AM
Perhaps she's like me, and prefers to have different sexual partners, instead of just one. Even if the guy is a god in bed, he's but one guy.
Perhaps she's grown bored of sex with you. It isn't the number of positions you do: it is you.
Perhaps you've done something which has hurt her really a lot. Really deep. She still loves you, but she resents you for that. It could be something you've perceived as small, but to her it was huge. Now she just bears to be with you, but she's punishing you with sex. Lots of women punish men so.
Perhaps it's got nothing to do with any of that: it is hormonal. We, women, aren't really blessed by our hormones.
Perhaps she doesn't love you anymore. Guilt is keeping her on your side, and she feels like a friend, but not a lover/love.
Perhaps it is her guilty feeling (the cheating with another guy) that's keeping her. She's buried beneath all the guilt.
Perhaps she's cheating on you and she's too tired to bother doing more than just laying down for you.
Perhaps she's going through depression, or some life changing phenomenon (rethinking her life, regretting something she's done, wishing for something different, professional stuff, etc), and her mind is all over the place, not really in the mood. It happens.
You, guys, really need to talk. No pointing fingers. Just talking. Not about the sex thing, because it surely is more than that. Sex maybe only a symptom of something worse, something lurking in your relationship. I wish you the best of luck in solving this riddle.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:36 AM
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:06 PM
As other respondants said, you need to talk to her.