My mess that is my life (Warning long story)
Posted Sun May 20, 2012 05:56 AM
I am writing this for help, help in the way that writing stuff down helps youget your head around things and advice that only strangers can give because youcan
be truly honest without fear of judgement. Most of you will probly stop readingthis because it most likely be long i know i probly would but it just has to bedone.(sorry)
I’ve been with my girlfriend now for 7 years yep seven fucking years and a recentlywell 2 days ago I broke it off.
She has been pressuring me for marriage and everyone else that knows us for sometime. An approx. a month ago she came home and said if you don’t want to marryme i think we
should break up , my response is im unshore and that seems extreme told her iwould think about it harder . Anyway i came back and said the way our relationshipis i don’t want to marry
you. She came and said okay marriage is not that important life goes on now iknow she has cried to friends of hers about me not proposing to her and so iknow it’s very important to her.
Now i meet her in a fucked up time in my life i was 21 and extremely depressedabout the death of my parents. Before this i was a stud amateur kick boxer hada pure fighter’s body and just loved life.
and could bed almost any woman i wanted sometimes several good times .
So anyway she was attractive not the type i usually went for but she sort oftook care of me was a great shoulder to cry on and so on before long i hadmoved in with her
i was just keeping my head above water emotionally i was in trouble with thepolice and looking at jail time for a assault charge and high speed police chase.
I ended up getting off with some big fines and lost my driver’s license for 18 months,this meant i lost my job because i was a self-employed tradesman.
So this were my downward spiral started i became suicidal and virtually did notget out of bed much for 2.5 years and she stuck beside me although i did usedto rock her world we sometimes having 4-6 hours sex sessions almost daily and iwas also financially independent so I was not a complete drain . She is a chefand works stupid hours so
i think it helped her to has some one there when she got home .But i was accentuallyhome alone most of the day filling it with porn and movies and when she wouldget home i would basically take my frustrations out on her in the sack (not ina rough way) but dominating though.
About 3 years in to the relationship which mind you is just a blur from all thedrugs doctors had me on i could no longer get it up and was overweight all aside effects of the meds. I tried to break it off with her blaming her somewhatfor mothering me and
stopping me from becoming stronger maybe right maybe wrong but i hated myselfand used to do this sort of stuff just to feel something i think , so i moved afew hours away back to my home town to all my friends and what family i hadleft (aunty & uncle)
and teamed up with a mate in the same trade to try and fire me up to get backinto the working life , well i failed misarably and was again a mess drugged upand back in bed occasionally in
hospital for mental people . Anyway she never stopped calling and crying to meon the phone and eventually i was back with her in her bed and living in her house.I can’t say if i ever really loved her at the time because i did really feelmuch i was on so many drugs i never knew what to think. I did know i gratefulfor her though she was my rock.
One day I just dragged my arse out of bed throughout all my medication andstarted to build a chopper after 6 months a few tantrums few fights at thelocal pub. My bike was complete
and before i knew it I was packing my ute (truck) for work and never looked back.I started to build a house for us more as a reason to show her I’m committed withoutputting a ring on her finger. Another 12 months house was done we were movingin and she was planning the wedding and telling me how she wants kids and so on.Mind you i was still in the mind did i really love this girl the was no lust,no passion there for me and i was struggling to engage in sex i would put out roughlyonce a week. But i was also think what an awesome chick she put up with methrough all this bullshit i know i can trust her and love me unconditionally.
Meanwhile i was still getting stronger till a bad accident fractured my spinein 6 places bed ridden again for months . Doctor told best way to get betterwas to lose weight so I went backfighting doing amateur muay Thai andother martial arts and hitting the gym, doing some kind of training every nightafter work in 6 months i dropped 30 kilo's roughly 50 pounds and was back to mychiselled 21 year old self after all my girlfriend would never be home shewould go to work a 9am and come home at 10.30pm every night. So training hardwas easy.
The times between sex was getting longer from a week to a week and a half to sometimes2 weeks, I sort of know within myself i was not really attracted to hersexually but i put it down to
my life has become so active now I’m tried by that time, Because i was up forwork at 6am till 5pm the training till 9. But I was never shore of what reallywas happening in my head.
So I would just pleasure myself either watching porn or just doing the knuckleshuffle with my own brain power. Still not content though i decided i wouldstart a business i was good at my job and sick of making others money so iwould take it on alone. I I’ve been successful in six months i created amillion dollar business witch now keepsme busy all the time and you guessed it, The sex started to suffer more itwould be a month between sessions i was telling her it was the stress form thebusiness and the amount of work i now have on my plate.
But the truth is I’ve personally have never been happier , works great , i feelgreat ,i look great but my relationship seemed to be progressing in to a greatfriendship . Lately i have seemed to gain back the ability to attracted the oppositesex and i getting approached quite a lot when out with friends or at the gym. Anmy eye has been wondering I’ve been shrugging it off
not thinking about it and just concentrating on whatever task i had in front ofme . But after a few months of this i now dreaming about these women keeping myup at night quite literally
but for some reason i don’t want to just turn over and bury it in my girlfriendi would just rather wait till she is not home and take care of it myself .WTF ieven resorted to going a month without masturbating to see if that would pushme to my girlfriend unfortunately i could only last 2 and half weeks and thatmust of not been long enough
but all of a sudden she could no longer wait she wanted marriage now . I’mthinking fuck i can’t stop thinking about other girls and not wanting to havesex with you no way am i volunteering for a life of this witch brings me to thestart of the story. She then starts taking back i want the whole marriage thingto stay with me i realised i could end up not knowing if i wanted to marry herfor another 7 years , Because i has honestly become addicted to her alienatingmyself with her. She is all there is in my life besides work and training nofun no friends.
So I broke up with her told her it feels like it progressed into a greatfriendship and i thinking we both could be happier in the long run if we spilt (ihope). A then i had to listen to her cry all night witch just broke my heart. Ididn't know what to do i comfort her or to leave. I went to work the next dayto try and gets my mind off things but just could not to help to think abouther constantly hoping she is okay. When i got home i tried to stay strong toldher i want her to move to her grans so we can take a break but we can see acouples councillor to access if it’s meant to be . It was a horrible nightfilled with her crying and me to trying to stay strong for both of us. But icaved and when she asked if she could stay another night before going to hergrans. Which leaves me here still in bed at 8pm on a Sunday my rest day writingthis ushore about everything. How am i going to stay strong or should i evenmaybe i should try to work it out with her. Fuck i just an emotional mess allover now. Fucking relationships.
Sorry people for it being so long i at least hope it’s interesting and not putyou to sleep. But if anyone actually makes it to the end i would appreciate anyadvice .
Posted Sun May 20, 2012 08:54 AM
Posted Sun May 20, 2012 02:39 PM
Posted Sun May 20, 2012 05:08 PM
You need to get yourself sorted out. Find a counsellor and start working through your problems.
Posted Sun May 20, 2012 06:57 PM
This post has been edited by PrincessOlivia: Sun May 20, 2012 06:58 PM
Posted Sun May 20, 2012 11:26 PM
Don't cave anymore. You've done everything you can, and you know that your heart is NOT in this. That's what matters.
Posted Tue May 22, 2012 06:22 AM
Also like to apoligise for my story the way its written the space bar must of got tired .
If your intersted to know im staying strong and trying to make the split as easy on her i can and do it a nicely as possible. Its now been 4 days i miss her alot and i still question my decision
so the input here really helps remind myself to why im doing this .
Posted Tue May 22, 2012 10:24 AM
I assume by now you've fully accepted the death of your parents, gotten off the "meds" and started to find yourself professionally, so the question then becomes what you want from life, from your future, and whether or not she is the right person to accompany you in that journey.
After 7 years there's no more new information to make decisions on. You know her character, her quirks, her personality, her wants and needs. You've had this information for a long time, and if you aren't ready to commit to her for whatever reason, you probably should walk away...just make sure it's the right reason(s).
Why are you no longer sexually attracted to her? Are the reasons physical or emotional?
We're similar in a few ways, both mechanical, motorcyclists, entrepreneurial, i'm an adrenaline junky/risk taker and you seem to have some of those characteristics also. We're both in-shape 20-somethings who have had some variety. I love my g/f and can seriously see a life together, but that doesn't mean a day goes by that i don't think about fucking someone else...but that has nothing to do with my g/f, it's my personality. It doesn't mean i'll act on it, but the thought of others will always be there regardless of the one i'm dating.
I'm emotionally attracted to my g/f. I'm physically attracted to millions of women, and i guess for me that's the difference.
This post has been edited by LiveOnce: Tue May 22, 2012 10:26 AM
Posted Tue May 22, 2012 12:20 PM
i have come to terms with the hand ive been dealt . Its a big question in asking what i want from life because allready in the time ive been around my views and my wants have changed. I guess in the short term my need is to live a little have some fun and i dont mean just sleeping with other women dar from it . Its the adventure that only freedom can provide the unlimited
Some day i will want the wife and kids and at one point i thought that was what i wanted . But for me that comitment would mean true freedom is no longer available there is still time for me to have a family later in life .
Your'e right after 7 years you would think i would know .I do know what i need to know about her and mostly everything about her is what any man would kill for to have in a partner . But i can control my actions just not my feelings . An just the fact its been 7 years its time to let her go to get whats going to make her happy frankly she deserves better .
As far as the reason as to why i have lost my attraction sexually to her is unknown to me , im unshore if im putting up a mental block or my reasons are somthing about her . Unfortunately im just not that in touch with my emotions and feelings , and i guess thats probly because ive spent so much time in my life trying to avoid them.
She asked me today if i still love her .An im yet to answer it mainly because if i say yes she will cry and wonder why im breaking up with her or think there still a chance . An if i say no it crush her and in return also crush me . But the truth is im not sure and that just makes me wonder if i know what love is and from what ive been told i should just know . So if i was a betting man i would say that i dont . We at least not as much as she loves me.
All i can do is hope ive made the correct decision but at least if i made the wrong one it wont effect her.
Posted Tue May 22, 2012 03:35 PM
To me the right girl is someone who can be there to experience freedom with me. Someone i can travel with and experience life with. It's not absolute freedom, but absolute freedom means you're connected to absolutely nothing, and that's not what i want either. When i was young i romanticized it, but in time i've come to find that the times I've been closest to it have actually been the least enjoyable times in my life. I woke up one random morning when i was 20, jumped in my truck and drove more than halfway across the country couch surfing most of the way. It was cool to have the introspective time, catch up with some friends from my former college, and do whatever the fuck i wanted...but after a month, 8 cities and 4,000 miles i decided it was time to head back home, commit to the next semester of school and move my life forward. For me i need a balance of connection to the right family/friends as well as freedom, and there's plenty of room for a relationship in there. When it comes time to think about kids that's a bridge i'll have to cross, but i've got awhile.
I have a couple of high risk behaviors that i have to pursue in moderation because she gets upset/worried, but that's the only way in which my relationship compromises my freedom. I assume your business is a physical one, not something web based? If that's the case then you already have a huge anchor prohibiting your freedom, but a successful business is probably the best anchor you can possibly have.
I'm sure the whole thing has been difficult, especially in conversation with her. Just be an honest as you can. It seems like you've made your decision, and if you can't figure out that the two of you want the same things in the same time frame (within reason), than it's probably time to set her free.
I have a friend who has also been with his G/F for 7-8 years. She wants a ring and a few kids, he doesn't want to get married and never plans to have children. He drinks too much and she reverts to depressed, reclusive behavior. They're both miserable because neither has the balls to just end it already. Talk about a bad situation.
This post has been edited by LiveOnce: Tue May 22, 2012 03:36 PM
Posted Wed May 23, 2012 06:45 AM
The conversations are extremely hard trying to tell so one you care about alot , They need to leave the house , i think we should break up and all you hear in return .
Is i dont want i love you , I just want it to work . It breaks your heart and even just breaking routines walking past a empty wardrobe hurts. An i cant imagine what she is feeling her whole
world is turning upside down .
Plus the mess about separating the posessions and what to do wish the house getting it ready for sale .who get the dog . Its all a large burden
But i just have to keep reminding myself we have been miserable for a while now
For some reason i dont wish to have sex with her any more , I dont even know where to even begin to try and fix that .
Then the the issues about marrage ,the fact we barely see each other the list goes on.
I dont know niether options seems good .
shit times and plenty to come
This post has been edited by Snapps: Wed May 23, 2012 06:46 AM