How to be exclusive in a relationship? How does one tone down one's desires?
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 07:50 AM
I'm in love with a friend and we're having sex. But he remains just a friend. A friend I love and who's moved to my house, to my bedroom, to my bed. I think he'd like me to be exclusively his. He won't say that, of course, because he's into the "just friends" thing and doesn't feel he has the right to ask me anything. But I've decided to make it exclusive, because I think he cares about it.
The question is: what does it mean?
I can keep from having sex with other men. It's tough, in a way, because I've got lots of fuck buddies with whom I used to have all sorts of group stuff, domination, experimentation, bondage...
But I can do it. I can stop my body from coming into contact with another body, I'm sure.
But my mind is something else. I'm too sexual. I think of sex a lot, and I have problems understanding the idea sex should be exclusive (one partner at a time). I'm used to large servings of multiple orgasms, delicious partners who fuck me together, cocks to choose from to make my lips happy, my tongue exhilarated, my pussy well attended, the center of the universe... it isn't that my friend is bad in bed. He's delicious, tastes heavenly, and our foreplay is the best I've ever had, the very best... But I don't think one man alone can quench my thirst.
With the music thing, I love the violin, but I also play the piano, the guitar... I'm... ... ... multiple . We play together a lot (we're both violin-freaks), but he plays with other people too, and so do I. Tonight we are both performing, with different people, far from each other. Why sex has to be exclusive when playing music can be shared? I don't get it. What could possibly be more personal than the sound I produce with my violin????? And I share that. And so does he.
I've read these questions around here before, and I should have been paying more attention: what is cheating? I don't wanna cheat on this friend, but how can I stop my mind thinking of sex? How can I stop my pussy going all wet and needy at the sight of a man? If I see a man and I think of sex with him, then I'm cheating, ain't I? How not to think of sex?
How does one become "monogamous"? (I know I'm not married, and I only mean "exclusive"). My body, I can keep, but my mind wanders too much. Right after sex, I'm usually thinking of more sex. I wanna be like everybody else. I'm fucking the man I love, why can't it be enough?
Luckily he's so fixed on the "just friends" thing, and I haven't told him I'm not fucking other people (though, he knows) at the moment.
I wanna be able to be perfectly happy with the amount of sex one man can give me. Mainly a man like him, so special in many ways.
How do you monogamous folks tone down your desires? How not to think of sex?
Should I tell him about my thoughts? I feel like I'm cheating... but we're just friends... it's so confusing...
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 08:12 AM
The way I see it is this: If YOU feel bad about having sex with other people, there are two ways around this:
1. Stop having sex with other people, or
2. Talk to your friend about your feelings.
I understand that talking to your friend about this might kill the current relationship you're in, but on the other hand, if he loves you (or at least understands you), he should be able to discuss the subject with you. Also: Maybe your friend is open to new experiences as well: What would you say if he had sex with other women? Would you like to be with your friend in a threesome? (Either MWW or MMW).
For me, my situation is similar and yet different: I KNOW that my wife would hate me for having sex with other women. So what do I do? Do I stop having sex? NO! I cheat on her. ALTHOUGH I love her a lot and I don't want to miss her. The difference is that I can live with this lie. Can you? Would you want to?
I think, it boils down to: What's more important: The relationship to your friend? Or your sexual fulfillment?
I hope you find a way to combine these two!!
Good luck and -- I hope this helped somewhat...
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 08:22 AM
I think you should really talk to him to settle this for good on what he wants with you rather than you giving up a lifestyle you enjoy based on your perceptions of his wishes. Who knows, maybe he's more open to other things that you enjoy as well.
That's a very interesting question. Why do you think it isn't?
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 09:39 AM
For number of years now I am in relationship with four women who I love and respect for what and who they are but first and foremost we are good friends. They all know there are others in my life. It would be foolish and selfish of me to expect that I am the only lover they have and in fact I know I am not. I've got to know some of their "special" male friends with which I get along very well. When I meet someone new, I am open about this and it is often the very first thing to let them know about me. If they are OK with it, fine. If they find it as something too much to handle and don't see them selves doing it, then it's all fine and well just the same.
Life is too short to be spent on trying to make everyone happy. If I myself am not happy then how possibly can I make anyone else happy? I would never agree to base my own happyness on misery of another person. At the same time I refuse and would never agree to feel miserable just to make someone else happy. As long as what I'm doing is not hurting others, it's all good.
A lot of questions here and no right answers I'm afraid. What you should be asking your self, IMHO, is what makes you happy? Whatever that may be, don't be afraid to embrace it. Those who really love you and care for you will have no problems with your decision.
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 06:02 PM
One thing you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can commit yourself to this friend. When I met BlasphemousGirl, there was no question in my mind. I instantly knew I was able to commit to her. It sounds like you kind of have some doubts, but it sounds like those doubts are mostly just the fantasy aspect.
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 06:21 PM
I've been monogamous during my long-term relationships, and the only way you do it is by practising abstinence. This is actually not out of reach if you've been raised with certain character. The problem with this is that you need to "fine tune" your sex drive to the whims of one partner. Men don't have sex when you want it for the most part... They have their timing too, so either you follow his timing or you just don't get any. If you start asking them for sex every time your body needs it, they break... I am telling you... They can keep up for a while, but then they start feeling inadequate and start loosing their confidence, and their erections, and so on. They become distant, and more often than not, they become bored of you. At that moment they wish they were with someone who'd "understand" them better in the sense of making them feel the studs they once were. Unfortunately, cultural gender roles make a dent on men, and they feel they need to be the sex instigators in a relationship, and not the sex gatekeepers.
I've been there... Playing the monogamous life that is, and I always ended up unhappy, and my partner ended unhappy as well. The only way you'd be happy is if your partner came from a culture were providing sex is a matter of honour... They'll fuck you to their last breath if they need to, but that's extremely rare these days.
Posted Wed May 30, 2012 07:55 PM
In that previous post you stated that he had said he had difficulty hooking up with a person sexually and didn't want sex to get in the way of your friendship. I notice that the label 'friends' with regards to your relationship at that time was a prominent feature in that thread, as it is in this current one.
And yet, you mention love, and the desire for exclusivity, and monogamy. Things which ultimately all of us seek at some point in our lives.
You also say you want to be 'perfectly happy with the amount of sex one man can give ...' but query the ability to 'tone down your desires' and activities with others.
Here's what I think, and bear in mind it is just my humble opinion based on the info you have given in this and that prev. post.
I believe you desire this man as a lover and that you desire his commitment exclusively above all others, but that when it comes down to it you'd rather have him as a FB and friend than nothing at all. It's apparent he is fixed on you both remaining 'friends' (from what he has said in the past) and I think this is where your confusion stems. Does he really want to remain 'just friends' though? Perhaps his feelings have changed and developed since you've both been together?
IMO, you both need to have the 'talk' - to define your relationship properly, i.e. state what you each expect of each other in terms of boundaries, accepted behaviours, what you both mean to each other, and what your future might entail with each other.
To answer your main question: how does one become monogamous?
For some of us it's as easy as breathing, and equates quite simply to finding the 'love of our life'.
How not to think of sex (with others) - you don't not think of it, if that's what's coming into your mind, you just accept it, enjoy it, and incorporate it into your own sex life, or fantasy life.
And finally I never tone down my desire. I have no need to. I've found the 'glove that fits the other hand', or to use an analogy that you might better relate to, 'the perfect sonata'.
I wish you all the very best.
Posted Fri Jun 01, 2012 05:13 PM
This post has been edited by alien2: Fri Jun 01, 2012 05:23 PM
Posted Fri Jun 01, 2012 05:42 PM
"I feel guilty... " DON'T. There's absolutelly no reason for you to fell that way.
"will the talking hurt him?" perhaps yes, perhaps not but that's the bridge you'll have to cross and you'll never know untill you do. At the end of the day, you can be only responsible for your own emotions, not for emotions of others.
Just my 2c.
Posted Fri Jun 01, 2012 05:57 PM
A friend once said to me, I dont get care where he gets his appetite from as long as he eats at home or there is another one there is no harm in window shopping. What it means most people dont care if ya fantasise as long as you dont act upon them.
I know what ya mean trying to stay exclusive, the more sex i have the more i want and it can be very hard to with hold my urges.
Posted Fri Jun 01, 2012 09:39 PM
What I'm more concerned with is why you think it's fair that he gets to be just a friend and also influence your sexual choices. Seems to me that exclusivity should only apply to relationships. If he's not willing to be in an actual relationship with you, but is willing to live in your house, in your bedroom, in your bed, then it seems to me like you're selling yourself short.
I will also agree with what Olive said. Get into sync with his sexual cycle, or you will drive yourself crazy and send him running for the hills.
This post has been edited by wouch: Fri Jun 01, 2012 09:39 PM
Posted Fri Jun 01, 2012 10:35 PM
They will be everything & all you need , want , & the thought of being with anyone else becomes unthinkable .
That's the difference between fucking & making love , anyone can do the first , but only the lucky Heavenly touched few get to experience the later .
I've only ever wanted one woman in the last 22 years , & I count myself as the most blessed man on Earth to have what I do .
I cant wait for the next day of my life , knowing it will be better than the last , another grain of sand added to what today was !
Once you have perfect bliss what could possibly compete ?
Not one damned thing >:]
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 10:57 AM
Q, that was a beautiful love declaration to your wife. I'm happy it's working so well for you and I can only wish you many more decades to enjoy each other's company/presence/love/bliss.
hungryflip: Cheating is not an option. I couldn't cheat on him, nor on any other men. My father was a cheater and I didn't like what it did to my Mom.
mr_curve: I come from a very hot family. I'm not the only one like myself and I think it is genetic. Hormones, surely.
SirFoggy and Wouch: I think it is worthy to invest all I can in this relationship, because he's giving me something no other man has and that is way more important than sex for me: the music. I've always had to tone down my thing for playing music with other men, even the last one (before this friend, I mean), who is a pianist. We'd play together, but I had to control myself to play less, because his cravings for it were a lot less than mine. Now, it's different: he's a professional violinist, makes a living with it, plays several hours a day, Milstein style (Milstein was known for spending the whole day with his violin, trying things, thinking things...). I feel totally at ease to my enthusiastic-self with him.
And he gets to be only a friend, while I try to live his way, because I don't mind being a friend, as long as he's here. I don't need more than what we have now, as far as a relationship goes.
banditJackson and hornytom: I understand what you guys say, but he grew up in a very religious home. And I've got issues myself, from childhood, from a mother suffering with a cheating father. I can't bear the idea I'd make someone suffer for the same reason. Even fantasies seem to me like cheating. I know I'm exaggerating, but that's the way I feel, so afraid I am to hurt.
Olivia: I know what you mean. My impression is that men aren't prepared for women with a high sexual drive, like you say. In my experience, fucking multiple partners, and having two (or three) men for sex is the "solution" to male poor sex drive.
PrincessOlivia: I don't need exclusivity for me. I'd do it for him, if he needed it. My relationships are of the open type. I like the idea of sharing, and of freedom for myself and for "my" partners. I never feel jealous and I enjoy sharing.
There are other ways to love, like SirFoggy says. I've loved other men, and I love him (more than I've ever loved anyone) in my own way. It's just that exclusivity sounds/feels very unnatural to me (does the word "unnatural" exist????). I don't think I could love him more than I do. It's just the exclusivity thing that isn't natural to me.
Well, I was guilty enough to talk to him this morning. After swimming in his Mozart again, I've told him I had something very important to talk about. I've told him everything the way I feel it. His answer to my "confessions" couldn't be more positive. He's told me the reason he wanted to be "just friends" was because he didn't want me to change a thing on myself.
He said he was in love with me from the moment he heard me play (wonderful, because that's the way I fell in love with him, before seeing the person, exchanging any word... just the way he played his violin...). And that the more he new me, the more he loved me. He said we come from two very different upbringings and that being "just friends" is his way to deal with the differences, a hypocritical way (his words) to deal with the fact I'm an atheist, a free person (his words), etc.
He said he was shocked when I've told him I wanted to have sex with him so soon after we've met. Shocked also when I've told him about my sexual life without him asking anything. He had no idea where that was coming from. He was shocked, but it made him love me more, because I was easy, straightforward and honest (his words). His experiences were with lies. The only two women he had before had cheated on him and that was that. He only got to know it, because their community isn't that big and people were talking on his back way before he got to know what was happening. It was very hurtful for him.
He told me I shouldn't do what I'm doing, that If I change myself for him, I'll be sabotaging his efforts to become more like me and transforming the easy, straightforward relationship in a lie.
Well, this fantastic man turns out to be more fantastic than I already knew he was.
Our conversation ended with him telling me a bit about his own fantasies (I'm savouring the idea of making them all come true)... and with sex.
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 11:58 AM
"Well, this fantastic man turns out to be more fantastic than I already knew he was. "
alien2, that is absolutely fantastic! All I can send you guys are virtual hugs but deep from my heart just the same.
Now go on and 'spoil' that beautiful man!
This post has been edited by SirFoggy: Sat Jun 02, 2012 11:59 AM
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 12:07 PM
I am so sorry for the anxiety and uncertainty you've been putting yourself through, but I feel nothing but relief and joy, knowing the outcome.
I disagree with you on one point: you are very sexual, not too sexual. It is only 'too' sexual by another's standard - like the old cliché:
What is frigid? Any woman who wants less sex than me
What's a nymphomaniac? Any woman who wants more sex than me
Be yourself. As you two grow together, you may find yourself evolving, changing what you want or need, as he does the same. By making one another a priority in your lives, your desire for others may reflect that even more with time - from opposite ends of the sexual spectrum, you might meet in the middle eventually.
But for now, be yourself, and enjoy the woman you are, because you are precisely the woman he chose.
This post has been edited by Scotty Wright: Sat Jun 02, 2012 12:09 PM
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 01:42 PM
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 02:25 PM
If you choose to be exclusive in a relationship just to please the other person, when you really don't want to, the relationship is doomed to failure as resentment will kick in at some stage.
If exclusivity is not something that you can commit to, then that has to be open and honest right from the start. Some partners will be happy with that deal, most would not. If the other person goes along with it for your benefit, then again the resentment will creep in at some point.
I have been with my hubby exclusively for 19 years and we have a great sex life. Of course we fantasize but that doesn't mean anything, though to be honest, virtually all of my fantasies involve him anyway!
You have to be true to yourself first before you can ever be true to anyone else.
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 06:10 PM
Posted Sat Jun 02, 2012 08:04 PM