Help Needed Desperately
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:59 AM
I am also an extremely good looking guy....girls stare at me when I'm walking on the street, at a bar/club, a restaurant...everywhere I go they look and smile....my good friends also tell me that I am very good looking and should have no trouble with girls....they frequently tell me to just "say anything", but still, I have trouble approaching girls....
admittedly, I do most of my socializing at clubs/bars, and that is not the best place to start up a conversation with girls....but it is just so frustrating to see such gorgeous girls and having nothing to say....I can't even say "Hi" or "What's up"......
Do any of you guys have any advice to "psyche me up", or have you gone through similar problems....I really need to start dating and I'm just going nowhere at this point...
Thanks a lot,
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 01:29 AM
I understand you. I don't have your problem, but I suffer a lot with stage fright and it is a drama everytime I perform in public. I always play with my eyes closed.
Another thing that could help: why not come clean? Approach the woman and say you're a shy guy, but that you'd really would like to talk to her. I'd fall for that line.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 01:35 AM
Best thing I can tell you is:
1.) Contrary to popular belief, women aren't deities. They're people just like you and me. And if they tell you they're not interested, you really wont give two shits next week, and neither will they.
2.) Don't worry about all the girls that eye you. Almost all are irrelevant. Focus on the ones you want, and only the ones you want. Be picky, they and only they are the ones worth the 30 seconds and slight effort of going up to and chatting with. Others can just go on smiling at you.
3.) Don't be afraid of the "crash n' burn". There is no crash n' burn. Doesn't exist. If a chick tells you she's not interested, be happy that she was honest and didn't waste your time. Certainly you don't want to spend time with someone who isn't interested in you, right? So, tell her an honest "thank you!" for telling you to go away. And do so. There is no "fail". There's only chicks that are a good fit for you, and the chicks that aren't. Don't fret the ones that aren't.
that's all I got man. sorry.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 03:20 AM
What I would add are just few small pointers. You think it's only you not sure what to say? Girls have the same problem but social norms expect the guys to start the conversation. As to having 'nothing' to say, don't be perfectionist as I suspect you to be. Don't be too harsh on yourself; no one expects state of the union kind of talk; saying something simple like "Hi, my name is ______ " will do just fine. What you say makes no difference if she's not interested. No harm if there a moments of silence either. Do you feel uncomfortable with those when having some drinks with your friends? I bet you don't. Some guys actually kill their chances because they simply can't keep their mouth shut. So no big deal; you guys are new to each other and know nothing about each other's interests and likes/dislikes.
Ilyushin's point 3 is absolutely on the money - there are no failures. It's all about your attitude - it's failure only if you look at it as one. She tells you "no thank you" and this still is not a failure. You tried and, for who knows what reasons - some totaly out of your control, she's not interested. That's life, shit happens, say "thank you", and carry on.
On the flip side, think how many girls you are rejecting each day and even without saying a word. Perhaps it's just me but if a man with no obligations sees a woman he finds attractive it is his duty to approach and engage her. Showing genuine interest and acting upon it is the ultimate form of appreciation. We all like to be appreciated and women are certainly no exception. If she is not available or willing to accept your advances she will decline but still feel flattered and in her mind thank you for that. You would be surprised how often I've had hookups with their friends arranged following these 'failures'.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 09:29 AM
is there any use in memorizing things....a friend of mine who does quite well with ladies goes around wherever we are and just says "cheers" and clinks glasses....such a simple move that he makes seem so casual....how about any other things to keep in mind...obviously one thing to remember is to talk about the environment and try to keep things light....i really just need to figure out how to break that barrier and then repetition could finally turn into habit....thanks for the advice guys and keep it coming if something pops up as obvious to you.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:27 AM
Now about being picked up ... It's not a bad thing when it happens. I actually like assertive women who know what they like and how to get it. Being 'selected' strokes the ego of every red-blooded male. But don't let this happen too often - you are more likely to get picked up by girls who you are actually not so hot for. You will go for it anyway because it's theer and requires no effort on your part. I am yet to see a hungry dog refusing a frankfurter just because he might get a proper schnitzel.
You're a man, act like one, take the charge and you do the picking. If you fail, pick youself up and try again. We are hardly born with any skill as such except for one: learning. Practice makes perfect as they say. Or 'execution builds confidence' as we used to say in the military.
Memorize things? Total waste of time and energy, IMO. First, you don't know what to say, remember. Part of it may be just because your brain blanks out when you're with a hot girl. Now what makes you think memorizing things would work any better? Second, it wouldn't be you and that's the worst part.
Don't interact with girls just because you want to shag the living light out of them. Nothing wrong with that, it's perfectly normal and they're actually expecting you to and would be dissapointend if you didn't. But women are not life-support systems for pussies you know. If they sense you are just after piece of pussy you're dead. If you let known it is just sex you're after first thing that happens is them putting their 'bitch' shields up. You will be scrutinized by very different and more strict standards.
Do as you good-with-ladies friend does. He obviously is happy with himself and his life and people subconciously want to be part of that. Not really rocket science or some pscyho mumbo-jumbo yet so many people fail to realize this simple fact. Being relaxed and unassuming speaks volumes about you as a person. If you're open, and happy to just have good fun with them, talk - and perhaps more importantly listen - to them, they in turn will be more relaxed and receptive to you and your charms. Things will happen eventually and seemingly with no real effort by either party. Harder you try less likely you are to succeed.
Hmmmm.... I better stop here, missed my dinner time already and my guts are grumbling in protest
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:37 AM
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 05:33 PM
Posted Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:08 AM
I do better with women when approaching them in a casual way, and when i'm feeling relaxed, careless, and not on a 'man on a mission attitude' i can get carried away more easy into flirting with women i'm attracted to, but that would happen in situations where there's hardly any opportunity to make a serious advance at least by words; holy cow knows what kind of a mess i would turn into if I were to approach those women in a more intimate occasion and try to hit on them...
I may have my psychological issues and have some part of me that rejects or feels intimacy or sexual approaches awkward, and think there are occasions when one part of me instigates me to try to hit on women when i may not be really into it...
I've not had any woman explicitly try to pick me up (at least not with sexual insinuations), so can't tell if i'd do better that way...
Sorry for the lack of advice, hope it served as consolation at least haha...
This post has been edited by Zolno: Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:12 AM
Posted Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:18 AM
I've been reading your posts for some time now, and obviously I'm no psychologist, but you do come across as having social anxiety or something on those lines. Your best bet is to see a therapist or a professional who'd help you get on track with your personal situation.