Feel like I am losing her.. ..following on from "Pain loving someone you can't have"
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:31 AM
Things (to me) seem to be going down hill.
We went out for a meal and primarily a chat to discuss what we are going to do a couple of weeks ago. She had already made her mind up that as she was already with this guy before me and had even met, she can't just leave him. She said she still loves him and wants to try and make their relationship work before giving it up. She said each time they argue she finds it easier and easier and cares less about each argument, she said when she doesn't care at all, she knows she's reached that point of leaving him. Fair enough, I love her, I want her to be happy and as much as it's the opposite as to what I want her to do, I have to live with that.
Anyway I digress, we both agreed (as much I didn't want to, and I told her this) that we have to cool it down and take a step back from each other. We have to see each other less often, and cool it down a bit on the texts (we would text each other ALOT every day). This is what is getting to me, as petty as it sounds. After this convo, it was like a switch had been hit. Texts where we would both say "miss you" were once a week if lucky and replies to texts were a lot shorter and always seemed rushed. I picked her up on this saying I understand we have to back off a bit but you don't seem to be the same with me, your acting different. She assured me she is no different towards me, still feels the same way about me and that if she wasn't with her other half she'd be with me and to stop worrying and being paranoid. I, am afraid a very big worrier, and quite a jealous person, I try not to be but that's just the fabric of who I am. I think me worrying about her and our situation may annoy her, shes never said this but would this put you off a guy girls? or would you be flattered? She admits she isn't and never was a texty person, she doesn't reply to her friends or even her other half as quick and as often as she does me, she just said shes busy with a lot of things, and as I know she has a hell of a lot on her mind. I understand that but just makes me question why she has backed off a whole lot more than she suggested.
Over the past couple of weeks, the frequency of the texting has gotten less. Often less "xxxxxxx" and more like "x" at the end (don't know if putting kisses makes any difference), taking ages to reply and when she does she hasn't replied to half the things I have put and its a very short text. So I tried taking a bit longer to reply, playing at her own game. I found it difficult and when I did reply i'd also keep it quite short. She picked up on this and after she'd text me a few times in a row without my reply she put "lol these super duper new short text thing ur doing is rather funny lol x u ok x".
I know what time she has her half hour lunch breaks at work, without fail she used to text me every lunch, even if it was just a quick one and I looked forward to that, sometimes Id text her so she had one when she got on her break and she told me she liked it and found it sweet, but she has stopped doing this too.
The things on her mind include her own relationship, she worries about her nephew - he's autistic, sweetest little boy ever but is having problems at school (3 years old) and her step mum is dying of cancer. So she has got lots on her plate. Me and her have talked about it all, and she's told me stuff that she hasn't told anyone else, because she trusts me and Id never tell a sole.
I just feel like she's losing her trust in me for whatever reason. I have given her no reason at all not to trust me. Close friends of ours have both commented to me and to her (on her own) that they know somethings going on between us, it's obvious and obviously she came to me not so much accusing me but asking if I had told anyone, she didnt mind if I have but she wants to know if I have so that she can get her story straight and not lie.
She posted on FB this morning "I give up " and I messaged her asking if she was ok.. didn't get an answer so called her after an hour with no reply, left it another half hour and text just saying that "i hope your ok, i am here if you need me" and she replied "Im fine huni, its nothing drastic just having a day where i cant be bothered... sorry not in the mood to talk sweety, thank you for being there xxxxx" Now she considers me along with her two girl mates to be her best mate. We tell each other everything, and I just know something is the matter, I don't want to push her into telling me as that's wrong but it feels to me like she can't talk to me about it. I have a 90% feeling its about her other half, she had friends round last night and he would of been out, came home drunk and had an argument, thats my bet cause it only happened a month ago and she eventually told me in tears, and said she trys not to tell me about her and him as not to get my hopes up if theyre not getting on well.. so maybe thats why?
We're meeting up after shes finished work tomorrow, not sure what we're doing as weather has been rubbish here in the UK this past week. I was thinking of doing something fun, maybe a bite to eat and at the end of the evening telling her my qualms just like I have you guys above.
Would this be a right move? I'm torn as to what to do - Tell her and get an answer either "Yeah we are good" and get reassurance that we aren't drifting apart or "Actually, its all getting a bit much I don't think we should talk for a while" , although I know she'd never want that.
Or do I just say nothing, because I know she has enough on her plate without me moaning about how I feel...
It's really getting me down this whole thing. My head is starting to tell me to let it go.. but I always follow my heart and thats telling me not to give up, the best things are worth the wait and the fight.
Maybe this whole situation of not texting so much or seeing each other much is better for our relationship but I just cant see it yet? Maybe it will take me out of the friend zone (see my last post http://www.sexforums...you-cant-have/) and if she does become single things will be better.
I know its a lot to read and take in, Im sorry folks but my head is all over at the moment, but its not something I can just let go of
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:15 PM
The real man, the 'attractive man is the one that will 'not' be there. That makes her feel that if she doesn't make a move quick she will lose him. This is what motivates people to break relationships. I'm sure many people on here will say they were on the fence until the other person was about to go out with someone else.
"I think me worrying about her and our situation may annoy her, shes never said this but would this put you off a guy girls? " YES YES YES... every time you have a question like this , think of Clint Eastwood. Would he give a shit? No, he would move on to the next girl. The thought of him moving on to the next girl is exactly what would make the first girl come after him. Do you see what I mean?
What you need to do is start treating HER like a friend. You guys tell each other everything, so start telling her about this new girl you met and how much you like her. Get the point?
"telling her my qualms just like I have you guys above." Never Never discuss this sappy shit with her. This is girl talk and women are not attracted to wimps and talky guys with 'feelings'.
Look up a guy online named David DeAngelo. Not because of all his talks of how to pick up women but try to understand the attitude. He does teach an attitude of success with women.
This attitude you have is not the fabric of who you are. It's a habit, habits can be broken. You have a habit of being the friend (wimp) and you need to be the strong guy with a life and things to do. Either she wants to be a part of it or not, you're moving on to the next one if not. (Clint Eastwood)
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 01:23 PM
You better wake up from this dream of yours and sooner the better. Even if, which is one big fat IF, she leaves this guy there are no guaranties she will fall into your hands. I've seen too many girls saying all they want is 'a nice and loveable guy who will understand and be there for them' just to go after the first 'bad-boy' who comes by. Later on they come to you to cry about him being 'complete jerk for breaking her heart' and how 'foolish she was but never again'. So you're there to offer your support, shoulder to cry on and help her to get over it. And before you know it, she is after one of those 'jerks' again!
Making yourself available at all times and trying to help is commendable but ultimately against best of your interests. Even best of friends are not available 24/7, they have their own lifes and their own problems. It is not disrespectful if they feel their problems are more important than yours and therefore not available to help whenever you feel like. Making yourself always available sends a message of you having no life, or a life where nothing really important ever happens and you're bored out of your mind. Another vibe you're sending out is that you're needy. Neither of this is good for you or seen as attractive by others - men and women alike.
You are not 911 or company help-desk so stop being one. Being the one who initiates most calls and SMS' can actually be annoying to the other party especialy if she's in some sort of emotional turmoil already. Let her call you if she feels the need, not the other way around.
What you need to do is to create a life for yourself, a kind of life you will not need a woman to be happy. At one point you will want to let that special women join your life but only when you want that to happen. By doing so you are sending very clear message: I am complete person with a lot to offer, comfortable with who I am and am happy with my life.
And believe me, once you have that kind of life there will be more than enough of those who will be more than happy to join you.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 06:54 PM
Take note of what Sir Foggy and Rickd are telling you, except for the bit about concocting another attraction with some other girl and telling her about it. I can see where Rickd is coming from re this but apart from it being 'transparent' this game playing stuff just keeps you in the mindset of still trying to win her over, and at this stage imho, you need to expand your horizons and widen your circle of friends and interests, and meet other girls.
From the info you've given, you're only hurting yourself by constantly re-evaluating and analysing her every move.
Harsh as it sounds, from a female perspective, every indicator points to the fact this girl is just not interested in you romantically.
I wish you all the best.
Posted Sat Jun 09, 2012 08:17 PM
Posted Fri Jun 15, 2012 02:32 AM
Try and simply NOT text her for a couple weeks. Take that step. Acclimate yourself to it, because that is the way things are going for her.
When you do that, start focusing on how many other women are out there....there's a lot, and some of them are worth a look!
Posted Sun Jun 24, 2012 02:18 AM
She may just realise what she's missing if she sees she's losing you. If she doesn't, she was never yours I'm afraid