Is an Affair Ever the Answer? What to do when sex gets boring?
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 06:48 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 06:56 AM
long answer: no. it's unfair as hell to your wife and just a dick move. is there any reason that you want to do this? does your wife withhold sex from you? or are you just bored and want someone new?
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:07 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:10 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:13 AM
Why should we be reluctant to talk about ourselves (any part of us, even the dark corners) with the people who are our best friends, mate for life, lover, etc?
I find talking is a good idea. Cheating, on the other hand, it's... cheating... by any other name. You don't stab in the back people you love, do you?
Honesty, no pointing fingers, no trying to convince anyone to do what he/she doesn't wanna do... just talking about yourself and asking about the other, what the other feels about it, about the subject, about you having these thoughts, about his/her own desires, etc.
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:23 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:31 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:33 AM
Because the sex you are getting at home might not meet your expectations is not reason to cheat (some are going to say no reason) . The fact is you are getting it. If you want to make it more then perhaps some discussion and experimenting with your partner might be a good thing to start with and see where that goes. No one said it was always going to be something spectacular or that you might fantasize a bit here and there but I would not recommend you seek sex outside the relationship if you are getting it at home. Certainly not in any case if it is going to be done in a clandestine fashion.
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:33 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 07:45 AM
That said, as has already been mentioned, there are so few details for any of us to look at and say, hey, he has a point.
Why did the sex just drop off?
do u have children, and that is her reason for refusing sex?
i mean, thats just 3 questions off my head.
Another thing, does your wife know your on here? have you actually got the idea of cheating from reading something on here?
Speak to your wife, make it known how you feel, but be warned, she will not give in to bribery, on the other hand, she might say go and have a fling, get it out of your system, i doubt it, but she might.
if your sex life is that dead, buy a nice toy for her, to spice things up, you never know what might happen, it could be a wise investment.
Either way, i wish you all the luck possible
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 08:40 AM
if you really not happy then have the balls to tell her, it will hurt yes, but not as much as if you cheat....to me its the ultimate betrayal.
Ive been on the receiving end so know how it feels....its soul destroying....BUT
I also understand your frustration, there must b a reason behind the sex life dropping off....i know that was the case with me and my ex.
Again as others have said.....TALK....try getting away from the stress of kids and family life and spend some time together.
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:46 AM
No you should not have an affair.
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:09 AM
I find that many couples fall into the trap of codependency, and with this, I don't mean that this codependency needs to be dysfunctional. You may be having a very satisfying relationship in all other aspects of your life except when it comes to sex. The reason for this is that very often we become comfortable with familiar situations and so we keep doing things the same way over and over again.
I am single, and I am very aware of this dynamic even though I only deal with my own sexual desire. I have found that the only way to deal with sexual boredom is to step outside of the familiar and into the unknown... Facing the unknown causes certain anxieties, and only by experiencing this anxiety I am able to cope with developing my sexual self into a more mature one.
Now, in my particular case, what I do is that I go on a website and I pick a man and meet him somewhere safe, and depending on the way I converse with this men, I may decide to have casual sex with him or not. Of course, some people might find this repugnant in the sense that it's just a hookup void of "meaningful" emotions. I disagree, but that would be a complete different discussion.
Of course, in my case, I'm just dealing with one person and I don't really have to come to terms, bargain, find common ground, or compromise with anybody; but I believe that you can also inject your relationship with enough feelings of anxiety to move it away from the day-to-day boredom and into that erotic dangerous zone that arises from not knowing exactly what's going on.
I would encourage you to tell your wife exactly what you have said here. Tell her exactly why you feel you want to go out and have that kind of passionate sex with a stranger. I know this is difficult, but then again, how do you expect her to react to the same old boring stuff that you do every day, and trust me, I've been there looking from the other side. She'll be in shock of course, but some reaction will come out of it. Besides, you haven't really cheated on her, have you? So, it's not that you can be liable for having thoughts if you haven't acted upon them.
I warn you though... She may make you feel uncomfortable in return, but hey... Deal with it, and I hope you both try to act as adults and grow with this dynamic.
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:18 AM
Posted Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:43 AM
Well, it's not much to go, but it sounds pretty egoistic of her, if she even refuses to talk about it.
Try again. Perhaps it wasn't a good time/week/month.
That's a terrible situation, to be trapped in a relationship where dialogue can't happen, and I'm sorry for you.
If she continues to dismiss the conversation, put it in writing. Another option could be counseling, I suppose.
It doesn't sound fair to me that one person gets the right to completely deny another person's sexuality.
It's very complicated. I still think one shouldn't cheat. You'll create another problem, instead of solving this one, if you betray the person you love.
I wonder why people still get married without adding fine print clausules in the contract about such important things...
Posted Wed Jun 13, 2012 06:57 AM
However, weeks after our wedding day, I accidentally came across photos on her computer that led to me email after email she had sent several guys prior to our dating. It was obvious by the dates of the emails that these videos and photos stopped months prior to us even beginning to date so there was no issue of her cheating on me or doing anything inappropriate. It did, however, hurt me to find out that she wasn't truthful about her past when I confronted her about these emails. There were multiple guys she failed to inform me about, which of course makes me feel like to this day that there are things she hasn't told me or things that will happen that she will not have the courage to tell me, regardless of the subject matter.
I was hurt simply over the fact that she was not truthful with me from the start. Now comes the other issue. All the videos were of her and her alone. Yet, I have ever yet to see her "let herself go" while in bed with me the way she lets herself go in those videos. She's typically fairly quiet in the bed, other then of course the actual moment she cums. I want to hear her yell my name the way she yells the names in those videos.
I'm simply at a loss at what to do at this moment. I'm overcome with desire to simply have someone fuck the living hell out of me while I do the same back to them. I want to please that someone to the point where she begs me to stop. I want her to beg for my cum, to tease me, to have her absolute way with me. And at this time, nothing remotely like that is happening.
That is my predicament.
Posted Wed Jun 13, 2012 05:52 PM
If you married your wife because you genuinely wanted to spend the rest of your life with this woman, then you need to address this problem.
Anything in her past that she has decided not to share with you, you need to let go of bit is nothing to do with you and you shouldn't have gone snooping.
She had every right not to tell you everything.
Does she know that you have found this stuff?
Have you spoken to her about it?
If you haven't, don't. Erase it from your memory and move on.
You need to talk to her about how you feel and how your sex life is affecting you.
It needs to be done without blame, just explain your needs and ask what she needs from you.