New here...Lack of sex in my marriage.. been taking matters in my own hands..
Posted Wed Oct 31, 2012 05:45 PM
Posted Wed Oct 31, 2012 06:42 PM
It's a good way to break the ice without actually having to do any talking and you've pre-thought what you wanted to write.
Maybe give this a go and see what happens. I too have never been good with talking about things happening in a relationship but this certainly helped me.
Posted Wed Oct 31, 2012 07:26 PM
I want to say that you can only work on you in a relationship. You can talk and reason with your partner as much as you like., but at the end of the day unless he wants to do something about it nothing will change.
Alot of the time one member of the relationship changes somewhat when it comes to sex. They can be the best partner in the world, supportive, loving loyal and so on, but it is a different story when it comes to sex, so distant and difficult. I have been through a similar situation but on a slightly smaller scale. It was many years ago and we were not together for as many years as the both of you.
In my case he was not willing to open up as much as I wanted him to. I think he had some unresolved issues from a previous relationship. I tried but he didn't, no amount of talking was going to help.
In your case I would think that there is something else going on in his mind, maybe he doesn't even see it.
Have you ever thought about going to see someone about this? I would suggest seeing a specialist in sex or relationship issues as they can give you valuable insight. If your partner agrees to go with you that's great, if not I still think you should go yourself. I know many that have benefited so much from this sort of thing.
I wish you luck, keep your chin up hun
Posted Thu Nov 01, 2012 12:01 AM
I feel like before I dive in I need to give you some background. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (Married for 4 of those years). From the very beginning of our relationship I knew that my sex drive was way higher than his. But he still satisfied me and all was good for the first couple of years. Then it just got worse and worse... it became way less frequent and it became so quick and hurried.. no passion or fun... and now it is just awful. Over the years it has greatly affected my confidence in this department and I almost feel scared to initiate anything.. and in his defense, I could try much harder than I do.. but I just have no confidence to make that first move.. and he doesn't make it either.. no one is making moves and I am sexually frustrated! I like fun, different, kinky and dirty sex so it's not like I am a bore in bed! I am also not overweight or out of shape.. I get compliments from randoms all the time and take good care of myself (I am not full of myself but I feel that is important to know in this situation)... Lately, I have completely given up on my sexual life with my husband.. and I have been, very often, watching porn by myself and getting myself off with toys... He has no idea, I do it when he is not around... and No I do not think this is cheating on my husband (though I know of many girls who think their guys watching porn is cheating.. I beg to differ, it's a freaking video)... anyway, I do somewhat feel bad that porn is getting all of my sexual attention.. I mostly feel bad because I don't even want to try to save our sex life because I get myself off no problem.. and it's very fun! However I do love my Husband and being 100% honest I can tell you that this is the ONLY thing lacking in our marriage.. if we could get this dialed in we would be so amazing... he is such a great Husband and I love him with all of my heart.. I just want him to want me.. I want him to throw me down on the bad and just give it to me so to speak... but I have no confidence in bringing this up anymore... I used to bring it up all the time, which I actually think just hurt our sex life more. So before you say "Just talk to him" I can't tell you how many times I have tried to talk to him.. I just don't know what to do... We have tried to watch porn a few times together and that was usually hot, but I don't want to have to do that every time. I am aching for some hot, consistant bedroom fun. it hurts my heart that he doesn't have the desire for it. And before anyone says it, I know in my heart he is not cheating on me so that is not why he doesn't want it.. again, he has had a lack of sex drive since day one of our relationship and I believe its more of a testosterone level thing. anyway... HELP ME.. porn and toys are fun, but my Husband would be way more fun...
I think you and I are in the same boat rowing down the same river lol. I have the exact same problem with my wife. Ive tried it ALL. Nothing has worked for me. I have come to accept the fact that she will never have my sex drive and I too am very sexually fustrated. Feel free to private message me if you would like to talk further about it.
Posted Thu Nov 01, 2012 02:06 PM
I'm sorry about this disconnect between the potency of your sex drives. It's one issue that can eventually manifest into others, and it is a whopper for those who are inclined towards monogamy.
I would encourage you to maybe give another few details about this situation...specifically:
1.) Is your husband comfortable with his sex drive? Or would he like it to be more robust also?
2.) When you say you've tried to talk to him ,you didn't say how he responded, and that could be important. Is he dismissive or try to change the subject? Or does he get defensive? Or is he frustrated like you are with it?
3.) I would also suggest you looking at the two lines in read of your post that I quoted. It might very well be a testosterone issue...it frequently is when men's sex drives diminish and especially, like your hubby's, when it's low from the start. If that is the case, it is not that he doesn't want you! It's a bio-chemical issue, and one that is in many cases possible to fix.
4.) Do you think it might be a form of depression or anxiety? If he's been a person with anxiety or various social disorders, it could well put a damper on his desire to do the horizontal mambo.
If it were me, (but it isn't) I'd be keen on looking into testosterone. Even in men who don't have abnormally low sex drives and no body chemistry issues, testosterone boosters have increased average-sex-drive men's libido's up. You can either see a dr. about it, or consider going to a something like a GNC or local vitamin/supplement outlet and as for a testosterone booster. This is the option I think would be easiest to try, and most likely to get results.
I mean, it's hard to convince a guy to be horny...so, maybe see if he is interested or willing to take something that'll make him horny. But if he's happy the way he is and doesn't want to augment things, you're looking at either settling in for the long haul with sex being rare, or dropping him and moving on. Seems like you might want to find out where on the priority totem pole sex sits with you.
This post has been edited by ilyushin: Thu Nov 01, 2012 02:07 PM
Posted Thu Nov 01, 2012 02:23 PM
Porn is not ideal but it serves a purpose, good luck with your situation.
Posted Thu Nov 01, 2012 03:01 PM
Posted Thu Nov 01, 2012 07:42 PM
Not one of us know your exact situation, even if we have been through similar.
Seek help from a professional, someone who can give you insight that you can't even see in your relationship. Someone you are comfortable with, otherwise go see another.
One thing I would like to add is that in these situations you cannot fix the relationship, you can work on yourself and your behaviour and support and empathise with your partner, but his side must be worked out by him if he so chooses.
Good luck, hope you can find peace with your situation.
Posted Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:26 AM
I think you have to look at the whole picture and decide if there is enough good things to make staying committed. If so, then you have to focus on all those other things and take the odd sexual occurrence with high regard. Finding other things to preoccupy your thoughts is a good way to cope too...perhaps a new hobby, club or membership in some social functions may be a good place to start. Contrary to a lot of peoples beliefs (those that are only hypothesizing since they really have no idea of what this is like since it has not happened to them..yet..) this thing is something you can conquer and it does get easier to deal with over time. You just have to really love everything else in your relationship to make it work.
Best of luck and keep trying.
Posted Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:42 AM
Posted Fri Nov 02, 2012 01:23 PM
My husband is not comfortable with his sex drive.In fact I feel like he is almost embarrassed and ashamed that he can not meetmy needs in this department. I feel like it has made him lack confidence inthis department as well.. quite honestly I feel like that is our biggestproblem.. we both are lacking the confidence in this department. It is sooounlike me to not have confidence, I am confident in everything else in life andI used to be confident with sex as well.. I swear sometimes I feel like Ishould have a job in the sex industry lol… maybe I did in another life! Butthis has got to be our biggest problem.
Usually when I try to talk to him about it, he listens and he respects what Ihave to say. He gets mad when I ask him if it’s just that he is not attractedto me anymore (I ask him that all the time).. and he gets upset and promises methat it is not that and its not me. I believe him.. but it’s so hard to graspthat a guy doesn’t want sex. He listens to what I have to say though and hejust tells me that we both need to work on it.. and then nothing happens. It isliterally driving me crazy!!! He also jokes around sexually when we were out orwith friends hinting he’s gonna want to get busy that night.. then, NOTHING. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;">
I will look into what GNC has to offer as far as a supplement for hislevels.. and I am sure he would be open to it. I believe he does want to fixthis as much as I do, and I feel that he is ashamed and depressed that he doesn’thave the drive that an average person has. So it could most definitely be aform of depression… he used to be a business owner and he would always tell methat he thinks the lack of drive is from stress.. he was so stressed with thatdamn business and had anxiety daily.. but it has been a year since we closeddown business and nothing has changed..
Posted Sat Nov 03, 2012 01:19 AM
That he isn't comfortable with it is a good thing. That means you both have a common goal. If he was comfortable with you, you'd be in deeper shit. But if he isn't comfortable with it, that implies he'd like to change it. That is something you both agree on, and therefore something you can both work on. He will need you're help, and how you word things when discussing this with him are going to make a very big difference.
Usually when I try to talk to him about it, he listens and he respects what Ihave to say. He gets mad when I ask him if it’s just that he is not attractedto me anymore (I ask him that all the time).. and he gets upset and promises methat it is not that and its not me. I believe him.. but it’s so hard to graspthat a guy doesn’t want sex. He listens to what I have to say though and hejust tells me that we both need to work on it.. and then nothing happens.
Well, he needs to understand that the rubber should hit the road at some point. It is very possible that he doesn't change it because this issue is hard to tangle with for men. It means having to acknowledge a short-coming in a department where (for a lot of men) it isn't acceptable to have a short coming in. But...it's good that he's adamant to the point of being mad in refuting the idea that he's not attracted to you. If he wasn't attracted to you, he'd be more dismissive instead of vehement. "Oh, no, baby. You're pretty!"-(followed by a smile and segway into something else)
I will look into what GNC has to offer as far as a supplement for hislevels.. and I am sure he would be open to it. I believe he does want to fixthis as much as I do, and I feel that he is ashamed and depressed that he doesn’thave the drive that an average person has. So it could most definitely be aform of depression… he used to be a business owner and he would always tell methat he thinks the lack of drive is from stress.. he was so stressed with thatdamn business and had anxiety daily.. but it has been a year since we closeddown business and nothing has changed..Wife and I used to own a restaurant. I had100 hour work weeks. And stress. Killed my sex drive, even for a while after we wold it. I want to say again that him wanting to fix this as much as you do bodes well, not ill....and I think a testosterone booster regimen would help him greatly. A physician would be a good place to check out along with GNC or vitamin store. There are really good "test-boosters" that are over-the-counter....but do some research. There are lots of forums and sites regarding men's health that have test-boosters as topics and they are reviewed with personal accounts. GNC has a couple good ones, like P6 from cellucor, or Z-tec...expensive, but lots of guys swear by them, and have reported increased sex drives (as well as increased lean mass, lower fat mass, etc...it's boosting testosterone afterall)
Posted Sat Nov 03, 2012 09:03 AM
His answer was an enthusiastic yes! In fact, many of his patients that are using viagara and cialis are doing so not necessarily because they legitimately have ED but rather they simply no longer are aroused by their partners. So while they may have little to no interest in sex, they still have all the respect, admiration and love they had before...and maybe even more so.
I'm wondering if this may be whats going on. He may perhaps simply just lost interest in sex all together too.
In any event, lack of sex or no sex, does not have to mean the end of a relationship as they can indeed flourish quite well without a lot of between the sheets action going on. As you mentioned, your only lack in your relationship is sex and you are more than happy with everything else...so focus on that.
I tend to agree with your husband too...going to the shrinks is not the answer. In fact I think the shrinks will often cause more harm than good as they seem to have a way to literally talk people into leaving an other wise good relationship instead of sticking it out. The costs for so called "good ones" is pretty significant too for what typically may be a waste of time and effort. Sometimes very simple things can get way over analyzed...to the breaking point even.
Not a pro just an opinion.
This post has been edited by got2bgood: Sat Nov 03, 2012 09:04 AM
Posted Sat Nov 03, 2012 09:11 AM
Posted Sun Nov 04, 2012 07:22 AM
Also stress and depression are emotion-killers. The fact that you shut down the business over a year ago may have a lot more to do with your situation than you think. Your husband may see closing the business as a form of failure or a loss of independence and this would explain the depression. A good doctor, counsellor or therapist should be able to help.
I believe you and your husband will come through this situation with an even stronger love for one another. It may take some time to realise that this is true; maybe more than one love letter - for that is what the letter will be: a reminder to your husband that you love him; that you need him; that you know that he loves you.
I wish you a lot of luck and happiness.
Posted Wed Nov 07, 2012 07:45 AM
Before the split she would refuse any sort of intermacy (sp) and I couldn't understand why.
In hindsight the failing of the marriage was due to me working silly hours.
And the cheek of it all she blamed me for working too hard, PPht.
Best of luck to you.
Posted Sun Dec 16, 2012 12:08 AM
Hi , I to would tend to think its a testosterone issue , happens to most ,, viagra just wont cut it , guys are not likely to talk about this issue , a guy thing ,, ashamed , which makes the dig deeper into their heads , and begin to mindfuck them selves , presure at work or bills , day to day issues , all mess with a man head ,, theres a thing called hotrwox they talk about all the time seems to help ...if hes watching porn , find out what hes watching , watch it with him , i hope this issue works itself out for you..take care