Tattoo Fait Accompli- how to deal?
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 07:01 AM
Before i start - I am not A) anti tattoos, a control freak, or C) a sad person with issues.
I am 46, my girlfriend 53.
We have been together on and off for 11 years and were talking marriage etc.
To cut a long story short - she has decided she wants not just a small, insignificant tattoo - but a whole backpice.
But - and this is my problem - she does not see that something so huge (i.e. 25% of her body) warranted discussing with me.
In fact she lied her arse off claiming she wanted a dragonfly done and booked it up.
Only when she came home - no dragonfly.
Instead - a 7" flower.
Naturally i questioned it. "Wheres the dragonfly?"
Reply came back "it hasnt been done yet"
"Next is another flower, then the dragonfly, then leaves and foliage entwined around it"
So basically the tattoo artist knows more about this than the person she is living with.
Other than this our relationship is great but this may be too much for me.
Its not just big.
Im thinking of walking - not over a tattoo.
Over the "f**k you" attitude behind it and what it stands for.
Im a great believer in letting people express themselves - but someone who told me they respect me and would never do anything to hurt me is showing no respect for my opinion or feelings - and each new part of this will feel like 2 fingers in my face in triumph.
I will expect a torrent of the pro-body mod army telling me its her body and none of my business.
To a point i agree - but i am the one who has to look at it.
Be interested to read your thoughts on this.
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 08:36 AM
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 09:12 AM
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:36 AM
Everyone here has a good point about the honesty issue for sure but in the end it is just a tattoo if you can't deal with it break it off.
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:08 PM
A) wait how it looks when its done, maybe u get used to it and even like it
B)get out cause I think thats what u realy want
Sorry she did you like that after the long time you are together
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 01:33 PM
I'm gonna leave you with a bit of Q fortune cookie advise that I do actually apply to my life............
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 08:37 PM
Get a hotter, skinnier, cooler, and more honest chick.
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 08:46 PM
"No i told you i don't want you to do it because i don't enjoy it, even if it has no real impact on y life!"
And from her point of view, could it be she knew all along about your dislike, and she just wanted to say this big subtle "fuck you i do what i want" like she knew you'd dump her for it? Sincerely it sounds like teenagers... one will do everything to contest the will of her controlling parent, the other needs to control freakishly for no eal good reason. If both of you can't settle this like adults, then just breakup so she can get with her tattoer while you find a submissive innocent little spouse.
Posted Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:26 PM
This post has been edited by saintnailpolish: Fri May 31, 2013 09:55 AM
Posted Wed Feb 06, 2013 08:00 AM
As I expected - mixed responses.
Some see how big a thing this is, others still view me as the control freak I most certainly am not.
Would I go and get a dozen genital piercings and say "there you go - shove that inside you" because its my body?
No I wouldnt. I share my body with her and no one else.
It bothers me that my partner considers me attractive to her.
And as I said - this ain't about a tattoo any more.
This is about trust and honesty in a partnership - and without those you have nothing.
So maybe she is sending the message that its time to go in her own way.
Posted Wed Feb 06, 2013 08:08 AM
True to a point.
But theres tattoos and tattoos.
Same way as theres a sensible family car and a 27 foot long Plymouth Fury Coronado.....
I just feel something on this scale warranted discussion.
Told the truth from the start I could have dealt with it.
I dont know if I can this way.
Posted Wed Feb 06, 2013 09:39 AM
Personally, I think in any relationship, married or not, it's something to discuss and talk about. I don't mind tattoos myself so I wouldn't have that much of a problem with it. I usually am like 'well it is your body, so if you really want it, do it.'. Of course if my SO would say they'd get a big ass skull on their back (for example ) I'd probably try and get them thinking about another piece instead, haha.
I understand where you (original poster) are coming from though. If she said it will be a dragonfly, then I'd expect just that. Again, I don't mind tattoos so I'd probably be more okay with it that it turns out to be a bit bigger. You just need to give it a proper thought, after 11 years, do you really want to give up what you have?
Posted Thu Feb 07, 2013 07:44 AM
To just do something permanent to it, like a tatoo (mainly such a big one) without respecting whatever his feelings are towards it, would be a sign of total lack of respect.
And how would I really know his feelings about it if I didn't ask before, talked it all through, showed him a drawing (sorry if wrong spelling) of the thing... I'd have to give him my side of it and give him enough time to form an opinion about the subject and share it with me. And I'd take his feelings into consideration.
I don't know what most people feel about relationships. When I'm into a relationship, it is because that man means a lot to me. If he means that much, his opinion counts.
If his opinion didn't count anymore, I'd first put an end to the relationship, THEN do the transformation (tatoo, or something).
When one talks about body... well, that man has to fuck me, lick me, kiss me, watch me going about naked... I "need" him to like what he sees. I "need" him to enjoy seeing me naked. And I want him to, I repeat myself, feel as if my body was his.
On the other side of it, I'm sure if it really meant a lot to me, he'd at least try to get to a compromise. Something he could live with and still give me what I was craving.
But, again, how can we decide all these things if there is no real talk, the kind where all parts involved respect the other part's feelings and opinions?
And how could a real talk take place when one's lying?
So, OP, I don't know what you'll do, but I totally understand your frustration. It is the tatoo, but also, mainly, the lack of respect, the lying, the half-truths, the fact she treated you as an imbecile, feeding the truth in small spoonfuls. That isn't really the way people who love and respect each other behave. But that's just my opinion.
PS: to you, my husband, in case you ever read this, know I'd perhaps, perhaps forgive a tatoo, but a goatee... that's divorce, no questions asked, no counseling! :unsure:
Posted Thu Feb 07, 2013 07:56 AM
Posted Sat May 04, 2013 03:05 PM
Posted Sat May 04, 2013 04:29 PM
Second, they've been together "ON AND OFF" for eleven years. I could say I've been with my OM for 25 years "on and off" and be accurate, even though there was a large gap of time in between, during which, we were both married and divorced multiple times. We have even "talked about marriage" on numerous occasions...as recently as this morning.
I have gotten tattoos (multiple) since we've been back together. The conversations have gone like this:
"What are you working on?"
"A design for a tattoo."
"Oh? Where are you going to put it?"
"I'm going to cover this road rash scar." (Points to right forearm)
"Who's doing the work?"
"Same guy as last time."
"Oh. Well, he did a good job."
Note: I did not ask for approval or permission. I said "I'm going to." Period.
I don't think her getting a tattoo, however large, is any different than a married man in his mid 40s showing up at home on a Saturday afternoon with a big motorcycle...or fishing boat. He might have told his OL that he wanted one and she absently said, "Okay, Honey..." which he takes as permission.
I think the O/P is being hypersensitive to perceived dishonesty and should leave. She'll be better off without him.
Posted Mon May 13, 2013 07:07 PM
I wouldn't expect him to come ask me either.
Its a tattoo, its up to her what she gets, yes you weren't fully involved but if you are truly in love with her, then you'll accept that she wanted the tattoo and got it.
Perhaps she changed her mind at the studio, perhaps she found a picture she liked better than the one she had planned. A tattoo is a lifelong commitment so it was important that she got what she wanted rather than something that you wanted.
Posted Wed May 29, 2013 04:38 AM
Just a little story to consider...
My mother was against tattoos, with an incredible passion that I cannot explain.
Now at 66, she wants me to go with her to get mother and daughter tattoos.