What do I do?
Posted Mon Feb 18, 2013 07:43 PM
He can be quite shy generally when we're together as I don't think he's spent a great deal of time around girls (he's 23). I've tried asking him what he wants when we're in bed but it doesn't really tend to get me anywhere; to give a couple of examples, I've asked if he wants to try different positions (nothing crazy but I presume it's all new to him) and he's just hesitated and gone quiet, and I've asked him what HE wants to do (given that I'm not shy in asking for what I want), and again he's gone kind of shy and just said 'whatever you want to do'.
It doesn't matter to me whether he eventually gets into bondage or anything, I'd just really love for him to get a bit more confident and enjoy getting into foreplay more. He's generally more than happy to do things I ask him to do in bed...but I'm really stuck with what to say or do to make him feel more comfortable opening up sexually. I don't want to put too much pressure on him or make him feel stupid.
I'd really appreciate any advice as I'm at a bit of a loss at the moment!
Posted Mon Feb 18, 2013 07:49 PM
if that dosent work, try telling me
Posted Mon Feb 18, 2013 09:26 PM
Just anything to give him some new ideas...
Posted Mon Feb 18, 2013 09:56 PM
Posted Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:02 PM
if that dosent work, try telling me
Jenny I think you need to ask yourself did Dan's comment (I mean the authority, tone, confidence) turn you on? It sounds to me like this is more what your used to. And if that's the case you need to honour that side of yourself. Sexual chemistry is SO important. I know instantly Dan's exactly the kind of guy I'd love to fuck x
In my experience the quiet ones are always deliciously dirty but very rarely able to act out any natural dominance they may feel. Or if they do, its often too late, as you've had to top them to get them there and it's not believable any more. Sometimes you can get some good natural, satisfying ruff play but if verbal commands are your thing this may always be difficult for him.
In saying that it can be really fun breaking him out of his shell.
A shell breaking tip:
Don't put out for a few days and then plan a late night phone conversation when you know he will be alone. Start off by setting the tone. Something like "I was thinking about you all day. Do you want to know what really turned me on?"
Him: let's assume - "yes"
"I was thinking about you masterbating. Stroking you're hard cock while you thought about me. Have you ever fantasised about me like that?"
Him: let's assume - "yes"
"Hmmm that's really hot. We're you thinking about my hard nipples? about how much I love it when you suck them hard and rough? Or were you thinking about teasing me driving me crazy by licking them gently?"
You get the idea. The important thing is to get yes and no's by asking descriptive sentences. Break it down and listen to his answers. If he answers "hard and ruff" this is how he may want to take you but wasn't sure what you might like. Teach him your preference... Be encouraging and phrase it with the perception that he's already been doing it "oh I love it when you suck my nipples hard and rough next time will you gently bite them too?" This is giving him permission.
Another fun thing is to buy a book of sexual questions and take turns asking them to each other. maybe over a bottle of wine or tequila depending on how much courage is required
Worst case: He may actually have nothing to say about sex. It might just be a purely physical release for him. If that's the case you may need to walk away (re Dan's advice and kind offer) as you don't want to make a lifetime commitment with anyone you're not sexually compatible with. You can lead a horse but you can't make him drink.
Best of luck
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Posted Tue Feb 19, 2013 07:05 AM
Posted Tue Feb 19, 2013 05:59 PM
Posted Tue Feb 19, 2013 06:02 PM
First, I think you need to take the decision-making out of his hands temporarily, take control and give him a taste of variety. Instead of asking him which positions he likes, show him the ones you like. Next time you have sex, tell him that you love it when your man takes control, but this time, you're in charge and he has to do what you say. I'm sure he won't have a problem with this. Don't go too far out of his comfort zone and break out the bondage gear yet. For now, start with the basics. Direct the foreplay, and when you're ready for sex, you control the positions and change them up as you see fit. Afterwards, tell him what you thought was the hottest and ask him what he liked the best. Make sure you include those things next time you fuck and feel free to add a few more. At the end, tell him that you really liked trying new things with him and that even though you usually like to be bossed around, you had fun being in charge this time. He should be able to get the clue. Little by little, add some new things (blindfolds, holding each other down, light spanking, hair pulling, sex on the coach/floor/bathroom/kitchen) and eventually you should be able to build into a place where he's comfortable being in control. In the meantime, any attempt or effort for him to take control should be met with positive feedback. If he asks you to change positions, holds you down or slaps your ass, tell him how hot it makes you. The more positive feedback you give him, the more confident he'll get and the more willing he'll be to continue taking control.
That said, the other thing I'd add is that it's probably not best to have all of your sexual conversations just before, during and after fucking. He probably recognizes the experience mismatch and may feel particularly vulnerable during sex and therefore isn't able to express himself from a position of comfort and confidence. All relationships should have an open dialogue and the same way it's not always best to talk about what makes you angry in a relationship when you're angry, it's not always best to talk about sex when you're having it. As others have suggested, have a couple drinks to lower inhibitions one night at a bar or in a place where sex isn't immediately possible and talk about your sex lives together. Start with what really turns you on about him and invite him to do the same. Mention something you'd like to try and invite him to do the same. If he doesn't - it's okay. Next time he might. You can also think about having conversations like this when you're not face-to-face. Texting and emailing offers him the opportunity to think about his responses and takes some of the pressure off face-to-face conversations (which he may find intimidating if he's very shy especially if sex is already intimidating for him). Sending him an email or text when you're apart during the day saying "I'm really hot thinking about the sex we had last time. I can't wait to see you later. Tell me what you want to do to me." could open things up a bit between you.
A couple things to try anyway. If he's really resistant though and doesn't respond to you lightly nudging him in the right direction, you might need to consider whether or not the two of you are sexually compatible.
Posted Wed Feb 20, 2013 05:53 AM
I'm not sure how often each week you do it, but maybe half the time tell him it is his night to have his way with you. he is in charge and gets to pick the position, etc. If he freezes up then just try to guide his hands and get the ball rolling a bit... and try to encourage him vocally when he does something that feels good.
If he is afraid to talk about sex, just tell him what happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.
No one else will no how much or little experience he has had except you two.