can this be sorted out?
Posted Sun Jun 16, 2013 11:48 AM
im a 38 yr old guy who has been with my current partner for 5 years and married for 3, everything was fine (or so i thought) till 3 weeks ago when my wife said she had had enough of me not working, this isnt by my choice, im always looking and apply for practically everything i see, but im having no luck, admittedly ive been out of work for a few years.
anyway she thought abit of breathing space might be an idea, so i went down to stay with family for a few days, i traveled 400 miles to give her space, so after i went back everything seemed fine again, then a week ago she flipped again over the job situation and wanted me gone for good!
with next to no money and no one to stay with i had no choice but to travel the 400 miles again to stay with family.
me and my wife have since talked, i tried to explain how much she means to me, what we could do to fix things.
i left the ball in her court so to speak, she sent me a letter in email explaining that for right now we cant be together due to my circumstances, she felt ive taken her for granted financially.
she also went on to say that her feelings for me had been buried due to me taking her for granted.
i never intended to take her for granted it just happened......i know i should never have.
any phone conversation ive had she has done nothing but cry, she said she cant talk about as its to hard and upsetting.
she also pointed out she wants to be friends, im not sure how i can do this, as i still love her very much.
now there will be a few of you thinking, move on you will get over her, i wish it was as easy as that, we have a 6 month old daughter together, so i have to see my wife often for my daughters sake.
she says in the letter she sent me, we need to be apart to get ourselves sorted, she cant guarantee if we will get back together.
im currently in the process of sorting out a place to live to be near my daughter, my thinking is if i can get sorted, place to live, job etc, we could get back together, go back to dating.
i dont want to lose them, but i cant help but think to much damage has been done and the thought of her being with someone else is killing me, i know this wont happen for some time as she pointed out in the letter she needs to be on her own for her own sake as well as our daughters.
does anyone think with me sorted out i can sort things with my wife?
since money was the big problem, with me on my own i would have to go above and beyond to sort myself out jobwise etc proving to her i can do it
i know this has gone on abit but i thought i should say as much as i can, if anyone has any questions i will try to answer them.
on a side note im leaving to travel to stay with my mother in law tomorrow, so i can sort a place to live there, i will be talking to my wife for the first time and ive no idea really what to say to her
Posted Sun Jun 16, 2013 07:26 PM
I can see where your wife is coming from, she just had a baby a few months ago, this is one of the hardest times for a woman, especially financially. It sounds like she feels like she expected that you would help to support the family financially but she is left to do it herself, that is a massive strain on top of her new mother role. A baby is alot of work emotionally as well.
You do need to get a job but maybe you first need to work through whatever things are getting in your way of getting a job first whether it be something like depression or unrealistic expectations of what job you can secure right now. Honestly, if you landed a job at a supermarket you would be helping your family (plus many other benefits of just being employed), it may not be fancy or even in the line of what you have trained for, but it is something. Stop waiting for a better chance to just fall into your lap, chances are it wont and you will keep going down this road for many years. I am sure you don't want to still be living with your family in 10 years, watching your wife divorce you and move on with another man, your child asking why you were not around as much or living t-with them and so on, all because you are having some difficulty now. You can get through this but it all lies with you. You need to get the motivation to make it all happen. You just have to do absolutely everything you can to do this.
As for your current relationship with your wife, tried to be supportive and understanding. She is going through a tough time and probably doesn't know what to do anymore herself, she is desperate at trying to make her life better. Chances are there were many warning sings leading up to this that you didn't want to see. Don't her go though. Send her messages telling her that you are missing her and thinking about her. Maybe wait a little bit for emotions to die down and talk to her about making a plan for the future. If she is not willing to listen then start to make these things happen for you. You still want to be in your daughters life so be a good role model. There is a chance that you can get back with your wife and work things out but it is not going to be easy.
Good luck, hope some of this helps.
Posted Sun Jun 16, 2013 09:32 PM
If you need a job--any job--go get one and build upwards from there....get a job doing ANYTHING--that's the start she most likely wants to see from you
Posted Mon Jun 17, 2013 01:14 AM
- This means do not take the route of the beggar, the one pleading to be taken back and the one promising to make the changers the other one demands.
2.) If what you've said is true, and you've been applying everywhere you can and (I'm assuming) are willing to take any job, continue to do so.
- Several members here have advised you that you can have a job if you really wanted it. I know the situation in the UK is pretty bad right now. Those that are saying that to you that aren't the in U.K. are speaking out of lack of awareness.
- Not everywhere is Missouri or Maryland. I'm in Chicago, IL...one of the few places that haven't recovered from the recession with regard to unemployment. It's still almost 10% here. I've been searching long and hard, and will take anything. Problem is, there isn't "anything". Keep trying. It's all you and I can do.
3.) Accept what your wife wants. She, and she alone, decides what that is. She doesn't want an unemployed you. Regardless of whether you think that's fair or not, that's what is. What you do have control over, however, is how you conduct yourself.
- Conduct yourself as someone who is perfectly valid in his own right, but is one of countless casualties of the economic new normal. You aren't alone.
Forget the minutia and irrelevant-but-emotionally-charged details. Spending time and effort on dealing with those is a waste. Every time you see your wife, be as though you don't want to be with her, either. While it's true that chicks have a visceral reaction to their mates not needing or wanting them, you're not doing this to play games. You're doing this because in a reality where your wife does not want you, you can either choose to want her and beg for her (something that is not attractive to women) or someone who's perfectly fine without her. (this, for some reason, is attractive to women)
What's certain is that your wife isn't interested in a sopping mess. Do you understand? But right now, your options are to be an unemployed sopping mess or an unemployed guy who's genuinely doing his absolute best, and if that's not good enough for someone, fuck 'em.
Just focus on seeing and being as good a father you can to your kids.
Posted Wed Jul 10, 2013 06:51 AM
Posted Mon Sep 30, 2013 03:53 PM
after alot of thought and reflection, i spoke again to my wife and we both decided getting back together wasnt a great idea.
i now have my own place, which is only a couple of miles from where my wife lives (this is so i can be nearer to my daughter) and got sorted work wise.
i see my daughter several times a week, ive even kinda met someone (only been out 3 times)
me and my wife still get on, in fact things seem better now then when i lived with her.
i would like to thank everyones input, ilyushin your advice about not being the begger and not being a sopping mess was spot on so thank you for that.
people may read this who are in the position i have been i can tell you this.
you can move on if things dont work out and you can have a relationship with your wife/ex wife (providing you both dont make things difficult for each other as far your children go)
you will find happiness again with another or maybe even get back with your wife down the road at some point.
Posted Wed Oct 02, 2013 09:27 AM
I would ask her to not make any sudden decisions, that you still want to be with her, and are going to prove it to her. Then get situated nearby, get a job, visit the daughter a whole lot, show u are becoming a responsible father, and maybe it will work out. sounds like u need to regain her trust, and show u can put in the miles.