Why Do I feel Alone In This?
Posted Wed Apr 29, 2015 01:53 PM
It feels like I am alone in this relationship or at least the only one trying.
I get up around half5/6 do my excersices shower clean get kids up dressed come at school, home and work and clean and look after baby. Then I get kids from school do the washing cook the tea and tidy and work.
All while my partner sits in the bedroom on the computer
The thing is I wouldn't care but its the stuff he does and says which just makes me want to scream at him and kick him out.
For instance, I was going to bed around 10 and falling asleep pretty much straight away because I was focusing on the businesses so I am making money not losing it and he complained he never see's me. I tell him theres no harm him coming down stairs and his reply is why would he if its a mess...
So I started getting kids in bed and going upstairs and sitting with him for him to then complain because I am not selling anything which I won't if I have to sit up stairs with him.
I explained this and he said I need to prioritise my time and get a schedule.
I then have him come down and complain that the house is a mess, even then its not that bad the kids have just been running around playing. He now also makes remarks like I am usless or no good. The other day I had not taken a nappy straight out with 5 kids its a bit impossible I said I had told our eldest son to and his response was to kick off and walk away and call me a lazy arse
I don't know what to do anymore, I try talking to him and it makes his depression worse. I don't talk to him and he seems ok but still does not come down but then I feel like total shit because I am keeping it in.
I literly have no one to talk to If I talk to my family they will then carry on and tell me to get ride kick him out and my brother would end up hitting him.
All my friends are still single no kids so don't want to listen to these sort of problems.
I just feel like I am slowly sinking, I am doing everything and occasionally maybe once a week he will hoover and that is only because hes moaned about it.
I have maybe sent him a message twice in the last two weeks asking if he can come down and help. I did tonight because I was trying to cook and kids where out of control he never came down when he did his response was you can't just expect to message me and say You need help every time kids are out of control learn to control them. As if I am messaging him every 5 minutes or something.
I am completly stuck, He is on edge already with his depression and I don't know what to do anymore.
Posted Wed Apr 29, 2015 02:31 PM
You had mentioned getting him to a therapist, maybe it would be a good idea for you to see one as well? To try and help you cope? Hang in there, hon...xoxo
Posted Wed Apr 29, 2015 02:45 PM
Then try to get some friends to help. Even if it is only to have them meet with you a few days/evenings a week to allow you a break and some fun. Maybe another friend could babysit if you go out?
And, it is maybe time for you to see your doc and discuss all of this with them. He may need to deal with your hubby and prescribe something for him.
Good luck. Meanwhile if this place helps take your mind off things, then have as much fun here as you can.
Posted Wed Apr 29, 2015 04:11 PM
your gonna get ill trying to be perfect wife - mother - partner - not letting rip with insults - criticisms - oldest boy copying Daddy's attitude.
Is this depression REAL - he was happy enough to be out other night - rather than just you two - did he think you'd bring up his "attitude"....cause its a BAD attitude.
However - I appreciate how you feel your' walking on eggshells .... but keeping it all in will make you bad.
Maybe take yourself off for a day - as your' so "useless" and need to "prioritise"....or do NOTHING for ONE day - even say your' ill - shake him up. See whats NOT done without you doing it.
Your' a member of a big family here and WE CARE....
an don't forget - your' no less a person because you don't have depression....or that your a female DOING IT ALL -
what about a few thank you's - HEY - coming your way.
Posted Wed Apr 29, 2015 11:39 PM
This would send me in a rage from HELL, depression or not.. Your doing everything alone.. I get that sense, from what you've stated, first and for most if I were you I'd worry more about taking care of You and your children, he needs some physiological help, saying this to you is just down right wrong.. He should be helping you with your babies, and taking pride in your home as well, not putting everything on your shoulders. He then has the audacity to bitch about not having time with you.. I bet you make every effort to spend time with him, yet he ignores you when you do..
Your strength to endure his behavior, is amazing to me.. I'd have gone up one side of him and down the other, any man who treats his women like that doesn't deserve to have her, i wouldnt clean that house, instead I'd take the kids out for dinner, go visit your family, or a close friend and tell him if he don't get his ass out that room and start helping out around the house, and with the babies, that I'd be out until he decided to put on his big boy panties and grow up, your not his mommy but his partner.. He needs to respect that and start reciprocating back what you give into the relation ship or he's really going to find you and your babies gone, then be left there wondering what he has done wrong..
This post has been edited by jacey: Wed Apr 29, 2015 11:40 PM
Posted Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:32 AM
I've seen people use wallowing in "depression" as a crutch/excuse to avoid anything they don't like or want to do .
There are resources out there he could make use of , but won't , it would force him to drop the crutches & he might not want to do that due to being comfortable with them as an excuse .
When all else fails a lil "Tough Love" might work where all else has failed .
Sorry for how harsh this may sound , but I've seen this with many people over many years & did it once myself , & I'm still here .
Posted Thu Apr 30, 2015 01:07 AM
He has a way of twisting it so if I do get upset and say something he then makes out then he feels horrible etc and goes all depressed saying how usless he is. Or the worse thing when I am trying to explain I need help and I can't cope and he obviously agrees by calling me usless and lazy his reply is that Im not he didnt mean it and he wouldnt be able to do what I do and then brings on all the praise but its all talk to try make me feel better so I leave him alone.
In a way it is just him before he was depressed he used to be the same but honestly he did help a lot more he would cook us just a meal, clean and take kids to school and bad and come shopping with me. Yes he used to sometimes send 2 days in bedroom doing nothing but he was out of it more as well.
He does use his depression as a excuse, He went to the drs to be refered to have a vasctomy, because we don't want any more kids and my health couldn't handle it hes had a letter now for 4 weeks to ring up and make the appointment and hes not yet and theres only 2 weeks left before he has to start again which is a 6 month wait!
When I try his excuses are hes just got up leave him alone, cheers I was having a good day till you shuve that down my neck and really I just got relaxed
I am seriously thinking about booking a week holiday somewhere still in UK and just packing up and going and not telling him the week rent and everything is due but it would not make a difference because he wouldn't have kids. Hes always said if I left the kids with him he will find me this is down to what my mum did with us he seems to think I am going to do I would never leave my babies behind even for a night making them think I left them.
Have to say I am feeling a lot better today I think the fact its been going on for over a year and I have not spoke a word it got on top of me.
Posted Thu Apr 30, 2015 02:49 AM
I will say this, the most important person you need to look after is yourself. You come first, everyone second. If you dont do this, you will be the one who will need therapy.
If your husband likes cooking, then why dont you get him to cook the evening meal. Encourage him to make his fav dish or the dish that he is good at. Id suggest just ask him like this "Hey "..." how about making such and such a meal, its been a while since you have made it and it would be nice for a change" And if he does do it, then it might help him feel needed and not worthless or useless and maybe help him overcome his depression but other than that I have no other suggestions.
Well take care and please look after yourself coz you sure do deserve it.
Posted Thu Apr 30, 2015 03:03 AM
Posted Thu Apr 30, 2015 05:58 AM
Posted Thu Apr 30, 2015 10:00 AM
personally - under your circumstances - I wouldn't want to know him.
GEEZ - you are a wonderful mother and partner.
despite your' oldest taking cue from daddy about your "uselessness".
I APPLAUD your tolerance and patience...BUT you is NOT A DOORMAT woman.
you know - we can go years - and then when we open up - we find "its not in our heads"....maybe our responses are too much ....if honest.
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 03:49 AM
Yesterday was different, I came back from shopping to find him in the kitchen with washing machine pulled out cleaning he actually cleaned the whole kitchen yesterday and cooked us and the kids a home made meal lasagne.
Then get two of kids in bed so I could have an early night.
I am still shocked that he did that. I did try talking to him the night before and explained a few things and he seemed to get it but then said have you ever though its my depression causing it. At that point I said fuck you rolled over and went to sleep expecting nothing to change.
Obviously something got through to him. Not sure what though and I will see over next week if he helps again.
He also said I can go out into town in a couple of weeks when we have more money I am waiting for the catch to that one lol
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 09:36 AM
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 01:18 PM
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 02:01 PM
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 02:55 PM
If I did I know he would watch kids but its just that I don't want to risk it with my kids.
Saying that I think I might have to start doing it and see what happens
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 03:48 PM
You are an honourable woman - you must really love him.
Posted Sat May 02, 2015 07:15 PM
Posted Mon May 04, 2015 06:53 PM