I love my boyfriend but he does not love me back.
Posted Sat Dec 20, 2008 07:59 PM
My feelings for him are such that as soon as I get off work, he is the first person I want to call. Whenever he crosses my mind, I want to text him. When we are together, I want nothing more than for him to hold me tight and tell me that I'm beautiful and that he's lucky to have me and that he loves me. He is the only person I ever talk about when I am with others, and he is the only person I ever want to see anymore. He is worth lying for, getting in trouble for, spending loads of money on, driving 30 minutes both ways for, dressing up for... no other boy has even come close.
He is my first boyfriend and my first love. I am insecure about my past promiscuity, and constantly worried that I am not a good girlfriend-- especially not in comparison to his previous girlfriends. I am nervous that I am not doing a good job. I try. I try so hard. I don't know what to do, I'm so new at this. And he is not reassuring.
He does not appreciate me, not the way I'd like him to at least. I know this. We had a talk a while back about how I feel taken for granted. He never expresses to me that he cares, not verbally, not physically, bar sex, but that is not necessarily an expression of emotion for him. All the times I think we are making love, I later realize we were just fucking. It never seems to sink in with him when I tell him I am bothered by something. He never truly apologizes for anything when I am hurt. He will say he's sorry or say he'll try harder with a tone of bitterness, resentment--- like he's saying it just so that I'll shut up. This was how our conversation about my feeling under-appreciated ended. When I am feeling so insecure that I have to ask him if I'm a good girlfriend, if he still thinks I'm pretty, if he still cares about me, he responds as if I'm being irrational and crazy. Does he not see that I am asking because I am someone that needs this sort of thing reaffirmed, and because neither his actions or his words ever make me feel secure? Does he not realize that I shouldn't feel so bad about myself that I should have to ask? I can never get through to him. He never seems to realize when I really am hurting, and even if he realizes it, I don't think he cares enough to want to make me feel better.
I don't think he is very interested in my life outside of him. He never asks me how my day went, he never asks me about my past or my interests or my passions-- I have to tell him all these things, unprovoked. I hate talking about myself to him because I don't think he ever listens to me, or if he does listen, he is bored by me. He knows I write and love to do so. He has never asked to read anything I've written-- to be fair, I'm not sure if I'd let him... but I do so wish that he would be interested in that which his girlfriend creates. I do wish that he would want to listen to the music I do and read the books I've read, just to get a sense of my taste. I do wish that he'd want to know what I did at work that day, I do wish he'd want to know what my friends are like... when we discuss philosophy or history or human interaction, he never seems to open his mind enough to even try to hear what I'm trying to say and where I'm coming from. To him, he is always right and it is his duty to make me see it his way. Does he not think I am intelligent enough to form my own, individual opinions? Does he not think I'm talented or bright enough to write anything that would be of any interest to him? Does he not think that I work hard, and that my job requires skill? Does he think I'm stupid? I wish he would take an interest in the person that I am! But he is conceited. He is not completely full of himself, not obnoxiously, but he is confident (rightly so, he is talented and bright) and self-centered. I have read the entirety of his novella, I have listened to every track he has recorded, I ask him about his friends, about his past, about what he likes and loves and is passionate about, and I listen rapturously. I wish he would do the same for me.
He told me he loved me once when he was drunk. I didn't believe him. I confronted him, sober, a couple days afterwards: "Do you really love me, or were you just drunk?" "I think I love you." There has been no mention of his alleged "love" for me since. I try to refuse to say it again until he does. Every time I say I love him, and in return he is silent, I feel like crying. I love him. I really do. But he doesn't love me back. And it is far too painful to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back... I try to suppress it. But there are times when I look at him, or when he holds me, or when we experience a holy moment-- and I simply have to tell him that I love him, even though I know he won't respond.
I try to express my feelings for him through my actions, as my words are never answered. I keeping thinking that maybe if I pour my heart into what I do for him, he will see the effort and the sentiment behind it and it will strike him deep. He will not only recognize it, but he will be moved by it, and he will love me for it. But even when I clean his bathroom, or do his laundry, or wash his dishes, or ditch my friends for him, or bring him food... a fleeting thank you is all I receive. Many nights, I'll put in extra effort to look pretty, to smell nice and to be in a good mood for him. On the way over to his apartment, I'll have little fantasies about him being floored by my mere presence-- he'll hold me, tell me he thinks I'm so pretty, tell me that I'm doing a fantastic job as a girlfriend, tell me he appreciates all the things I do for him, tell me that he loves me and really mean it. It's never like that. It's always the same.
He is has a good heart, he really does. And I do think he cares about me, and I do think he enjoys my company. He teases me, shoves me, tickles me. He will go out of his way to make me laugh, and has been very patient with me. Maybe I am too demanding, too high maintenance. Maybe I am naive to want him to know what to say and when to say it, to wish that he would feel and do for me as I do for him. But I didn't know it was possible to feel so lonely and simultaneously be in love.
He said to me once that sometimes I look at him like I just want him to go BANG!-- like I expect something spectacular to torrent out of him and into me, and that makes him nervous. I was not aware that I did this, but I know now that it's because when I look at him like that, I'm terrified that he is done with me, and all I want is for him to say or do something to make it better.
I miss the beginning. I miss when he was always playful and tender with me. I miss when he seemed excited at even any contact with me. I miss when he would make an effort to take me out, to do things with me, to have fun. I miss when he would notice me, notice my quirks, notice my efforts. I miss when he would tell me he thought I was so pretty, when he would look at me like I was special.
I don't feel special or pretty anymore. I feel insecure and unappreciated and unrequited. He does not love me back, and I have no idea how to cope with it. Sometimes I'll lie with him in bed at night... he'll be sleeping and I'll think to myself how beautiful he is, how much I care about him, how very much I love him. This all makes me so sad. I feel like sobbing because I don't know if he will ever love me back.
Posted Sat Dec 20, 2008 08:08 PM
Posted Sat Dec 20, 2008 08:27 PM
Posted Sat Dec 20, 2008 10:23 PM
Posted Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:18 PM
You might need to move on. It might take a very long time, but you should. But, if you stay, you are going to have to get used to the fact he isn't going to be mr. hot burning love.
Posted Sun Dec 21, 2008 01:47 AM
but either way, it does sound like he's just not as into it. being a first boyfriend, you still have a long road ahead, and things wil sometimes change really fast.
im not saying bail out, but dont make him the only thing in your life.
Posted Sun Dec 21, 2008 02:25 AM
Posted Sun Dec 21, 2008 11:43 AM
IMO, once men get comfortable with their ladies, they stop trying. Sometimes they need smacked around a bit before they "get it".
Honestly you should very well put together and you articulated your feelings really well here! If i were you, i would either show him this post, or print it out for him. You said it ALL there, and you need to say all those things to him just as you did to us.
Posted Mon Dec 22, 2008 09:24 AM
Posted Mon Dec 22, 2008 02:42 PM
It sounds like you are pretty down today. I am sorry to hear that. I understand your pain with your relationship, However from what you have written, the fault lies with-in you, not your boyfriend. It sounds like you have put his life before yours. Now I know that in the world of romance that is supposed to be the right thing to do, if your lover does the same. He’s not. He is using you for sex, because you’rer hot, and you are easy to control. I’m sure he loves letting his friends see you on his arm and he loves telling them of the details of your sexual encounters. And I bet in the same breath he also says how he’s playing you, how you bow down before him and fulfill his every whim.
A lesson I think you need to learn right now is that you are not your beautiful face, you are not your banging body, you are not the clothes you wear, you are not the money in your wallet, or what people think of you. You are what you think of yourself. You are what you strive for, what you work for, what is important to you. Until you take control of your life and of your own self image, people, especially men will use and abuse you. You need to find yourself first, then your true love will find you.
Love is like the common cold. It strikes without warning and disappears the same way. True love lasts, but it is not a feeling. It is mutual respect, commitment, shared interest, understanding, forgiveness, tolerance, shared support in life’s goals, and self respect is always required. Until you love yourself, no one ever really will. You have plenty of time to find love, your young. Put your energy in finding yourself first. Find happiness with-in yourself first, then love with just be icing on the cake, and you won’t be losing yourself on a lost soul. Because do you really respect someone that treats you this way? If you do, it’s a great big red flag! Let it go. Move on. Grow.
Posted Mon Dec 22, 2008 02:50 PM
It's nice when both people are equal in the love being shared but that is not always the case.
For you, this is true love, but love is one of those things that is most fun when shared.
Good luck, you'll love again and this time hopefully it will be shared the same between you and your partner.
Posted Mon Dec 22, 2008 04:55 PM
Posted Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:19 PM
Now, be a friend to yourself.
Posted Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:42 PM
Honestly, my first thought was I wonder if you're suffocating him. If he's trying to get space to breath, and you instead hold on tighter, that might be causing this.
It sounds to me that you already know what you need to do, but it's hard to let go. I think once you get past this, you're have no problem finding a BF that will treat you like the women you are. You appear to be very attractive, so make you find someone who loves you as you are, not just physically.