I have commitment and trust issues, what can I do.
Posted Fri Apr 10, 2009 01:49 AM
only difference is that I think I can see whats happening to me and posting here - to get your honest opinions is a really meaningful to start.
here we go... My parents and my immediate family have never gotten along.
divorced at 7, my father was abusive, my mother got remarried and since then we never clicked.. she always been over protective and over bearing about ever detail such as... are you wearing chap stick, and is that sweater warm enough. We cant have a standard conversation. and Ive been away from home for the last 8 - 9 years at various colleges and schools.
So im young... talented and handsom, starting my own small company now doing advertising consultation and things are going well. Im ethnically mixed, 6'3" tall athletic and sexy... when I go out... girls really get into me, and I can see them planning their futures with me when they look into my eyes.
but I dread relationships and have never had a girl friend that I actually love.
the sensation of romance fills me with anguish.. ive turned away many beautiful girls that were sweet by doing this... and broken a lot of hearts.
tell me... where can I start.
Posted Fri Apr 10, 2009 02:47 AM
Posted Fri Apr 10, 2009 05:54 AM
You can separate the gold miners, users, high maintenance women, girls with complicated lives, emotional baggage, ones that hang off you, that try to boss you around all the time, etc. And you can better decide where to meet the type of girl you want because you are logical. And maybe that's all you need...common sense...and time.
So many guys are hooked up with women they can't trust because they went for the physical stuff first and try to use it to patch up the parts that they don't like... which does not work. In reality , if you do not have trust...you got zip.
Shake off the hovering shadows of the past and relax...take your time, don't rush into it...you'll be fine. Gregorio
Posted Fri Apr 10, 2009 09:17 AM
Maybe at some point you'll feel the need to settle with a nice girl, but I've seen cases of men like you growing into their 40's only to get hardened in their misogynistic attitudes. I wish you luck...
Posted Sat Apr 11, 2009 12:03 AM
Posted Sat Apr 11, 2009 04:12 AM
Once you get yourself together you'll find your counterpart in life. Our 20s are the time to figure out what makes us tick. If you do some introspective soul searching eventually the light will shine down.
Posted Sat Apr 11, 2009 05:28 AM
You saved yourself from all that.
Posted Sat Apr 11, 2009 05:59 PM
If you've never experienced any feelings of love... i would start at the source of the problem, dating women that aren't lovable.
Posted Sat Apr 11, 2009 11:40 PM
I wrote this post after a girl and I who had been dating, came to an impass.
I felt that she was luring me to become more serious with her, and I think just by my body language and overall mood I conveyed that I wasn't comfortable or ready... women can read men like tea leaves. but now im trying to figure out what was motivating me. was it her? or was it my own feelings? but I cant fight it... at this point im simply going to live and let things fall into place. I still have a lot more to accomplish before I can focus only on romance.
B A - thanks again I think you cleared me up nicely.
Gregorio - Appreciate all the advice, I honestly would love to be around a girl whom I really appreciate, and learn to value those qualities. I'll keep striving for that.
fasterfingers - thank you, all in good in time.
zplayer900 - I would rather avoid therapy, im not comfortable with the idea... and its expensive )
Amber - I learned a lot from you and BA the most, I really haven't found the right type of girl.. or looked for her, for that matter. I have to create a shift in attitude, I can see things differently... thank you.
Posted Sun Apr 12, 2009 02:32 AM
Posted Sun Apr 12, 2009 05:37 AM
Over the years, I've observed different types of girls/ women and how some operate...and you would be amazed at some. We know of one pretty woman with all the equipment who bounces from one relationship to another by hunting wallets. Each guy gets dumped when the money runs out. She owns a nice car and a beautiful home, travels the world, has the best jewelry, but makes only around $10 an hour at her job. You can see her work on each guy. She doesn't mind if the guy is in a relationship or not. They swallow this stuff hook,line and sinker.
You can pick out a girl rather well by asking questions or by certain little clues.
Does she treat her, brother, sister, Father and Mother, Grand folks well?
Is she kind to animals?
Does she have a real concern for someone who is sick?
Does she identify/ have sympathy with older people who may be failing?
Do you think she would be there for you if you were sick?
Does she like, in general, the same things you do or just go along with you ?
Does she give you free time of your own?
Does she dress to be flashy or just to look nice?
Is she bossy?
Do you trust her when you are not there?
Does she put a false value on money? Is she a wallet hunter like the one above?
Is she ambitious?
Is she a worker?
Do you rate her as being honest?
Posted Sun Apr 12, 2009 08:03 AM
I have a relative who fits your checklist to perfection plus the looks, and we all thought that she could make happy any man she married. Her fiancé cheated on her with a woman like the one described in the first paragraph...
Posted Sun Apr 12, 2009 09:29 AM
Wow, that wasn't the response i was expecting from my comment, but GREAT!!
Expanding on that some more... It's not a secret that most men look at a woman and size her up based on her looks. Personality, goals, everything else comes second. No offense to anybody but it's the truth. A girl who may be beautiful and killer in bed may not be the best material for a long term relationship. When you find her, you'll know it. The rest just falls into place.
Posted Sun Apr 12, 2009 10:38 AM
You're smart:you know that you have serious intimacy issues. Many people do. Psychological research shows a strong connection between domineering caregivers and attachment disorders (google 'anxious attachment'). I'm not saying that this is what's going on necessarily, but you describe the textbook case. It's worth talking with a therapist about, because our patterns of relating to people don't change easily. And if "the one" walks into your life, it'd be good to know how to deal with her, and not expect you lifetime of patterns of relating to change in a moment.
i'm sure that some people are down on psych. but then again, for most people, getting divorced is a given.
find a therapist. take your time. try out different ones. wait till you find someone that you feel really comfortable with. and be prepared to deal with some difficult shit, and to come away more self-aware and comfortable with intimacy.
just my thoughts.
best of luck
Posted Mon Apr 13, 2009 01:37 PM
She didn't make my problems go away. Hell I never knew what problems were before I met her. What she did was give me a reason to live. I also want to say that we divorced but never stopped loving each other. When she died it was one of the greatest losses of my life.
Posted Mon Apr 13, 2009 02:14 PM
Maybe you're just picking the wrong women for the wrong reasons. Maybe you just don't wish to be in love atm. Maybe you really do have some emotional issues that keep you from wanting or feeling love like many others do. *shrug*
You seem intelligent and introspective enough to have the answer to your own question.
Posted Mon Apr 13, 2009 02:37 PM
B A said:
BA, I stand very corrected. I just read "and your problems will go away" into your post, even though it wasn't there at all. A hidden peak at my own secret desire, maybe.
I'm now back to liking all your posts very much.
Posted Tue Apr 14, 2009 04:49 AM
I have a relative who fits your checklist to perfection plus the looks, and we all thought that she could make happy any man she married. Her fiancť cheated on her with a woman like the one described in the first paragraph...
About paragraph one.
All us guys know how she operates. She is very French and a hugs everyone.
I was scheduled to go over to her house to look at her computer which was ailing. When I got there, she was in a bikini. She has an incredible body with large breasts and lots of curves, and is used to having men fall at her feet. And I can see why. For that reason, I paid strict attention to the computer and pretended that I did not notice her much. She was sitting on the piano stool next to me and looking for more than a computer lesson. I will guarantee that most men would have caved. However, I have a great wife and she can trust me anywhere...but it takes incredible willpower. I think this really frustrated her that a man could resist her.