Posted Sun Aug 02, 2009 03:09 PM
This brings me to my question: do I tell my boyfriend about these doubts now or should I wait until I see him? He always reminds me to tell him everything immediately because he doesn't want things to spiral downwardly, or feel like I can't comfortably communicate with him. At the same time, if I tell him now, I just don't see what we can do about it. We already talk twice a week (which is as much as either of us can afford at this point), and I know he's only going to feel worried during his last precious moments in Italy.
Perhaps these doubts only manifested themselves because I'm not with him right now. I'm trying really hard to remember what it was like when we were together and how he makes me feel when I am with him... a feeling I don't have when we talk on the phone anymore. It just seems like it's slowly slipping away.
And just to make it clear, I am not contemplating breaking up with him or cheating.
Update: So my boyfriend broke his phone in Italy... long story. He's been calling me everyday this weekend using one of his friends' phones, which is sweet, but he is also using up their phone time. However, I am beginning to feel more and more horrible, because despite the fact that he's making an effort to talk to me more often, it hasn't changed the way I feel. I WANT to miss him, I WANT to smile whenever he tells me he loves me, I WANT to be excited to see him again... What's wrong with me? I don't understand why I'm being fickle now when he's coming home so soon.
Posted Sun Aug 02, 2009 04:22 PM
Posted Sun Aug 02, 2009 05:51 PM
I'd wait, unless you're thinking you want to break up, and even then, if he's studying abroad and trying to focus, I would just not worry about those feelings until he comes back, because there's a good chance they will come back once you see him. You're probably just getting used to him being away.
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 09:02 AM
three weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things.. wait off on everything if at all possible because i'm sure you'll feel much differently when you're in each other's arms
on the other hand if the thoughts are overwhelming you to the point that you can't focus on anything else, talking to your boyfriend immediately, as per his request, might freshen your outlook
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 01:12 PM
I would agree with the above posters, who said "best to wait untill your BF returns untill you speak with him about any difficult issues." As there is really nothing he can do but to worry for the next 3 weeks, and nobody wants that.
As far as your last paragraph about feeling that uncomfortable "doubt"- as I just went through a similar 6 week seperation, I can tell you that I understand your issue. I am very dedicated and focused on my SO. We have been together for 3.5 years, and I love her. But for the first 2 weeks of her trip, it was like she was just "not home" with me (but nothing emotionally had changed within me). But then after that, I started to feel very disconnected from her. We tried to call and E-mail, but she was doing her stuff, and I was doing mine, and for that time you just loose "that common bond" of "taking on life together". I kind of lost alot of that "team feeling".
She is back now. The first two days were spent just hugging, and kissing and loving- in an attempt to celebrate the fact that she is "physically back." But I cannot help but feel that "things are different." I dont know if it is her, or me, or both of us... but something feels different- disconnected. I am hesitant to really try and go beyond the "so are you doing ok?" line of questioning, because I feel that often times the negativity or insecurity that comes with a more serious line of questioning (like "so did you cheat on me?") is often more destructive than it is helpful.
I am not truly sure what "that space" or the "disconnectedness" represents. Once since she got back she hinted that she thought that I was trying to keep her inside (which was true as it was still the first few days which was still during our "welcome back sexual marathon"), and implied that maybe it was because I was trying to hide her from my "new girlfriends". She is usually very confident in my loyalty, which made me think that comment was odd - but maybe it just means she has been wondering about what all lovers wonder about their S.O.s while they are gone for extended periods of time.
I figure that things will eventually work themselves out. Either we will "get back to normal", or we will find a new "norm". But I too am very suprised at how much a few weeks can change "my reality". It makes me hope that I never have to become accustomed to these types of "breaks".
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 01:19 PM
To me, it sounds that one or both of you had no clue what that reality was?
The thought that a few weeks of separate activities could ruin a relationship scares me.
Ignore our advice, take his. he asked for it, let him think about how to handle your doubts now that he's away.
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 02:04 PM
No hun, when I said "my reality" I meant the perspective for which I view the details of my life with her- the trust, the comfort, the direction, the understanding, and the sense of unity. The "disconnect" that I spoke about is simply a second of doubt that preceedes all of the above. It is like I trust that these aspects still exist, but just the fact that I have to "remind" myself that they exist is "new", where before she left they were all concrete and above question, because everyday we were moving forward together.
I feel the time appart to be as a speed bump, that rattled all of the "aspects of the relationship that are always taken for granted". I am sure they are still there, but after an extended period of time apart, the fact that you wonder about them or have moments of "doubt" are what I believe the poster and I are touching on. Hope that clears up your confusion.
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 02:08 PM
Yes. And makes it scarier.
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 02:34 PM
I am comming to your door on Halloween!!!!
Posted Mon Aug 03, 2009 02:38 PM
I am comming to your door on Halloween!!!!
Posted Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:28 PM
Ironically, I feel better after I told him about my doubts. Not because he felt bad (I don't take pleasure in inflicting emotional pain), but because he reminded me just how much he truly loves me. We do say "I love you" enough but I suppose I reached the point where I needed more reassurance than that. I remembered why I made the decision to stay with him instead of pursuing the single life. I looked back at what we have built together and I know now that the wait is worth it. It always was.
I may not have gone about this the "correct" way, but I should have listened to his request from the beginning: just tell him what's on my mind. Even though I wasn't lying to him, it just felt like I was harboring a dark secret. I realize now, at least in my relationship, how immediate honesty can be so cathartic.
Posted Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:31 PM