just a place to put my jokes
Posted Tue Oct 25, 2005 08:59 AM
dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about
what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up!"
Posted Tue Oct 25, 2005 09:01 AM
A young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman,
"I need some batteries for my vibrator."
He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
"If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."
Posted Tue Oct 25, 2005 09:12 AM
Posted Tue Oct 25, 2005 09:12 AM
cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Then went even farther and gave him a blow job. He really enjoyed it and came fast.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child,"said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
Posted Tue Oct 25, 2005 09:22 AM
masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the
Luckily, the babies were okay.
The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to
She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
They were fine for sixteen years and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened sixteen
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened
sixteen years ago.
A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what happened .... you were
urinating and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!!!!"
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 08:03 AM
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:08 AM
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:10 AM
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"
She says, "I'm willing, let's go".
They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".
Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:13 AM
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn''t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars put the seats back and screwed each other senseless.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you''re not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I''ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I''ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:17 AM
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:23 AM
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:31 AM
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:35 AM
--If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
--If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
--The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.
--Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
--Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
--On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
--The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
--It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
--You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
--Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
--Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
--Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
--Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
--In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eye- brows and eyelashes.
--A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
--A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
--The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
--Polar bears are left handed.
--The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other animal.
--The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
--A cockroach will live nine days without it's head. The only reason it doesn't live longer is it's unable to eat.
--The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
--Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
--Butterflies taste with their feet.
--Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
--A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
--An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
--Starfish haven't got brains.
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:45 AM
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begins Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Falls; Veternarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman''s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 years.
Never Withold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Driver Paid $1,000 in ''84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn''t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Dear Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Tests Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachussets Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars Are Replacd by Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 09:55 AM
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
Posted Wed Oct 26, 2005 10:00 AM
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!