Uhm.. How to start this. Well, lets start at he beginning. About 2.5 years ago I met a guy trough YouTube. An error in communication led to minor hostility, but after I explained myself and how I intended the message to be received we got to talk on a more friendly level. It was not long before we were beginning to form a friendship, almost talking to each other every day. 2 years later, still good friends, had some rough patches though, some REALLY rough patches. Either way, we were still very good friends. And due to the fandom we're both in (of which I shall not speak due to site policies), the topic of bi-sexuality became exposed to conversation. We discovered that, purely by chance, we were both attracted to both sexes (or so I toughed he was, but I'll come back to this later).
After many conversations, we decided to try a more intimate relationship, and it went pretty good for a long time. However, the large distance between countries make any sexual interaction difficult, thus we kept to cyber role-plays mostly, and the occasional naughty video. After a half a year, we've talked about moving in together once I get a chance to leave my native country to start a better life in his. This is due to another long stressfully and sad situation, but that story is too long to clarify at this moment, for this is likely to be a long read already, so I'll spare you terrifying details.
All was fun and gain, with occasional minor disagreements/fights. But after some time, the mood became rather grim most of the time. He started to develop major physiological weaknesses (began to complain allot about virtually nothing at all), and became needy beyond what I've ever seen before. Not to mention a horrible temper. There was even a time where he demanded that I remained at the computer pretty much all day. Of course, I did not comply to this his ridicules demand and told him the truth about this relationship destroying habits. Whether he actually heard me is left to speculation however, but whatever, he seemed to understand it. Many more of this situations occurred over the past years that I've known him, in both the friendly and lover relationships. After a 3 day lasting harsh conversation, (or more a confrontation actually) he acknowledged that he saw what he was doing to us, and made a promise to change. To be fair, he has made a huge difference, but not a complete turn around. He still feels the need to complain, he does it mostly when I'm not around. Okay, good. But not in long term however.. If I'm ever to leave under one roof with him, he is bound to release his rage once again. I'm not a person to permit such a outburst unless it is justified by a VERY GOOD reason. And I fear for the worst in such a situation.
Not to mention I accidentally met someone else as well that I like allot. A girl, in fact. That happens to live within the same country. However, this is more in shape of a crush then a real feeling of love, to be honest. At least I think it is. I met her online also, became somewhat friends immediately. Many jokes were passed along, followed by allot of laughter. I do not know whether she feels the same way, or if she even recognized this spark. But I guess it doesn't matter, seeing as she is already in a committed relationship, and I cannot justify risking trowing dirt into that just because of a silly crush. And besides, my family and the troubles they drag along with them (including me), would only bring despair to her life. And as her friend I can't allow that. But it is very difficult.. even after a year has passed, the feeling of the crush still isn't going away. Every time I get to speak with her, it literally makes my day a little better. It is odd, because I haven't even seen her in real live before, I only know her by personality. It is something new the me.
But attracted as I am to this girl, I am already in a relationship for which I'm willing to fight. But I'm expressing myself lightly when I say that he is making that real hard for me. With all the things I have to endure at home, he insists to keep on complaining about things that don't even begin to have significance if they were to happen to me. Mostly games, homework, fights with friends.. and so on. It are mostly things caused by his lack of self confidence. Not that I'm not willing to listen, not at all. I'd love to help him out. It's just that he keeps on going until he brings everyone down with him, essentially ruining the day of everyone he speaks to in his negative state. He does this at least once a week, if not more. On top of that he keep mentioning that he doesn't want to disappoint his family because of his sexual nature, and that he isn't sure whether is is bi-sexual or not. Leaving me to think I'm preparing for a life that might not be waiting for me when I'm finally ready to go. This is very discouraging, and insulting. Here I am making one of the greatest sacrifices of my life, and he's not even willing to make a few of his own to make it happen. Not to mention how much I'd have to adjust and learn to merely function there. In my eyes his behavior is weak, insulting and selfish, but I still love him too much to leave him. Like I said, I'm willing to fight for this until the very end.
I just don't have a clue on how to handle this in combination with my home situation.. For the first time I'm in over my head. I'm being thorn into more directions then I can handle. So please, could you find it in your hearth to give some words of advice? Even one or two sentences will do.. Anything, really.
Yours truly, B. Puma
This post has been edited by DarkCougar: Tue Dec 08, 2009 07:48 PM