I'm 18 currently, when I was in middle school and early high school I was overweight and wore glasses. I had very low self-esteem and terrible luck with girls. When I became 16 I lost a ton of weight, gained a lot of muscle, and lost the glasses. I now have a very good social life, but deep down I still have all my insecurities from being fat and rejected. Well since that I had only had sex with one girl and it was very basic and it only happened spontaneously twice. Aside from that and one other handjob from past girlfriend I had no sexual encounters.
My girlfriend has had a lot of sexual experience. She lost her virginity when she was 18 to a 20-something year old (which makes my blood boil. I'm incredibly protective of girls from my days when no one liked me. I viewed all the other guys as cruel and disgusting so I'm always sickened by twenty-year olds 'preying' on naive teenage girls). They only had sex once, but the boyfriend before me was her age and had sex with her regularly. When we started going out (I kind of stole her away from him) she eventually decided she didn't want to have sex before marriage anymore (we still do everything besides vaginal intercourse).
Because of this I cannot do anything she hasn't had done before (I'm the first guy to make her orgasm, but she's still done everything already). Every time she talks about any past sexual experiences I feel sick to my stomach and get feelings of intense bitterness and hatred; since we don't do any of that stuff every reference is of another guy doing it to her and the thought of him touching her drives me crazy and makes me furious. It hurts me because if I wanted to, I could make her give in to my desire to have sex but I don't do it because I care about her. But that makes me hate all her past boyfriends for what they've done, because she wants to make me wait but I know that nothing will ever be her first.
I don't show her generally that I feel this way, I act normal but inside I'm just dying. Sorry if this was confusing or anything, it's hard for me to put it into words, but am I crazy? I feel like I'm messed up to be bothered like this.
This post has been edited by Duchess: Mon Mar 15, 2010 03:57 PM
Reason for edit:: changed age to keep within posting rules for the site