help with first time with my disabled boyfriend
Posted Sun May 30, 2010 01:48 PM
Posted Sun May 30, 2010 02:04 PM
I don't think any of us here on the site are properly equiped to advise you. In that there is so much more at risk here than sex, such as masculine self worth, self image, ego and so many other serious psychological things that could hurt him and you, you need to seek the advice of a certified sex counselor. There are many folks out there who are qualified to help. Not to demean my friends here on the site but this is too important to be listening to our uninformed opinions.
I wish you good luck and personally I want to express my respect for you for seeking help.
Posted Sun May 30, 2010 03:20 PM
Posted Sun May 30, 2010 07:34 PM
Posted Mon May 31, 2010 03:50 AM
Posted Mon May 31, 2010 03:57 AM
tenyn gave you the absolute best advice you can get from a non-professional. Please follow it and make your boyfriends experience safe and enjoyable.
Posted Mon May 31, 2010 04:28 PM
Aside from those considerations, I would think that treating him differently would be the wrong way to go; you want him to feel like a normal guy getting the shit fucked out of him by his loving gf (not like a patient being serviced out of pity--I know that's not actually the case). You're basically having sex with someone who can't really do much but otherwise, I'd think it was pretty much the same as far as your own performance is concerned, unless he has an additional respiratory ailment or something (which of course is something you would need to discuss with your MD).
Obviously you are doing most of the work--which no guy is really going to complain about --so give him the full-body experience (rub, caress, massage, lick, suck, stroke everything and use body oil to enhance it all--clean it up afterwards of course). When it comes to you, he'll have to use his mouth. This is where I assume you would have to be particularly careful both of his body and his breathing.
Be sure to let him do as much work as he possibly can (considering he has little control over his life, I would think this would be rather important); give him a chance to have some control over the situation--so definitely lots and lots of cunnilingus (just make sure you're clean and taste okay--look up 'diet and reproductive fluids'). If he can get you to cum with his mouth alone, he'll feel like a million bucks (again, just be sure to let him breath--women can sometimes get a little carried away).
As for intercourse, I'm assuming he's able to perform (sorry, not familiar with the specific details of the condition). If he is, then basically it comes down to you riding him expertly; so lots of variations in angle, speed and depth--really work on your pelvic flexibility--and also make each thrust count, go nice and smooth using your muscles to grab his dick on your way up. Try to keep your movement in line with his breathing and try and note his facial expressions so you can gauge what he's comfortable with. And of course be verbal; just enough for guidance, but not so much that it kills the mood. Also you may need to lube yourself up since you won't have much of the foreplay stimulation to get you wet (although some good tongue-work can certainly be enough). Just be warned: if you're too good you may get him cumming in seconds (for that, you may have to tone it down a bit initially and have him concentrate on holding it, or keep him cumming over and over--just don't drain his energy too much).
More generally, I think the best advice is to have patience; as with any virgin, he's going to need to get used to the feeling of that level of physical intimacy.
All the best.
This post has been edited by slim: Mon May 31, 2010 04:31 PM
Posted Tue Jun 01, 2010 06:00 PM
I agree wholeheartedly, an MD would not be of much help in this case. But a certified sex therapist would be. These are psychologists who have specific training in the physical issues of sexual relations. I guess I differ with you in that I think there are huge issues that need to be considered when a disabled person is having sexual relations. Being dominated by a woman might be exciting and fun for someone who has full use of their body, it might be a pleasnt change from being in charge all the time; but it might be demeaning to a person who doesn't have total use of their body. I have known alot of disabled people who take great pride in being self sufficient and who take great offense at being helped. I imagine that someone like that might be offended by being dominated; he might need some guidance on how he might be able to compensate for his physical inabilities (ideas for hands on techniques, special tricks etc).
I don't imagine that anyone would get physically hurt during sex but they might get emotionally hurt. I am suggesting that some guidance from a sex therapist would give him help on what he can do to make the experience more interesting, exciting, participatory and fulfilling. Mostly how he can contribute to their pleasure. Sex is about giving and recieving. Anyone would agree that some help in figuring out how to give pleasure to someone you love, when you are disabled can go miles in pumping up your self esteem, self worth and pride as a man.
In a baseball game a physically gifted athlete getting paid $10 million a year gets help from a first base coach on how to run 100 feet to second base. I think a disabled person might just as well get some guidance from a coach on how he can fulfill his desire to do something as meaningful to him (and her) as to please his woman.
Posted Tue Jun 01, 2010 07:43 PM
Posted Tue Jun 01, 2010 09:42 PM
@meow: yeah see that's something an MD would inform you of. So sex-wise the OP'd have to take it easy then.
Posted Tue Jun 01, 2010 10:27 PM
Unfortunately, I have no advice for you, but I do have questions if you don't mind me asking. How long have you been seeing each other? Has your boyfriend been a quadraplegic all his life, or it was due to some unfortunate accident later in life? I imagine he has a team of specialists taking care of him... Does he have a physiotherapist? Does he work?
Of course, you don't have to answer as these questions are just to tame my own curiosity, but they could also help to give you more ideas on how to approach the subject, not in terms of actually having sex, but to lead you in a direction where you could find some answers.
Posted Mon Jun 07, 2010 09:31 PM
Posted Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:58 PM
for me, sex is about having fun, about sharing experiences, about feeling comfortable, about feeling free, and about respect.
so take it slowly, experiment and enjoy. stop when you feel like it, start when you feel like it; make sure that he feels comfortable doing the same. and it's probably best if you don't have preconceived expectation. sex is an encounter with another person - it's about an emotional and physical journey.
regarding seeking medical advice .... well, i think that's up to him. but i would say that his doctors etc are not going to have the best understanding of his sexuality, the people that will know that best are him and the one who loves him and then you can discover it together, and ask for advice when/if you think you need to. but, start with a kiss and a fondle and breathy whispers, ahhhh