Question for the women here (long)
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 12:29 PM
I am married to an incredible woman. I love her very much and want a long happy life together with her. But I have some issues that is causing us problems.
About me: I am a 37 year old man from the US. I grew up in a criminal lifestyle and spent 15 of my adult years incarcerated. I am no longer a criminal, been out 3 years with only 1 speeding ticket. I work, come home, everything that so-called "normal" men do. But I have lingering trust issues stemming from the life I lived that are interferring with my relationship. I have had sex with less than 20 women in my life, so all the things a "normal" man would know.....I do not, though I try. My wife and I have been in a long distance relationship for about 5 years total, and have been married 1 year and have lived together for 6 months.
About her: She is a 37 year old woman from Europe. She grew up in a nice safe place with none of the things I dealt with. They also have a distinct cultural difference in casual sex. She has slept with around 125 men, been engaged twice, and lived with several men over the years.
Here is my problem. I do not trust anybody. Nothing personal against her, she is just a human being and I automatically dont trust people. Over the course of our relationship, I have learned to let down my guard and trust her in every aspect of life EXCEPT sex. I have a hard time trusting her with sex, NOT because of anything she has or has not done, but because of my own insecurities and self doubt. I mean seriously, just the little bit I have told you about myself has put ideas in your head of what kind of man I am. Trust me that I think them too. Only difference is that where YOU may or may not give me the benefit of the doubt, I do not give it to myself. It has been hammered into my head for most of my life that "this" is how I should be/act/think/feel, and that the way I DO act/think/feel is wrong and not "normal". So I have spent YEARS deciding what I think is right and wrong and I hold myself to rigid codes of conduct, both to keep me out of trouble with the law-and to never be disrespectful in my actions to my wife.
Ok now having said all that, I have a question;
-- For the women here who have slept with what they personally consider "alot" of men - is it possible that after living a sexually free lifestyle with variety of a partners, that you can be happy with just 1 man for the rest of your life?
This is the thing. I have an overactive imagination, and I have thought of MMF 3somes for years, even before I met my wife. Over the course of our relationship, I have expressed these alot, and have received positive feedback from her during the "moments" of sex and fantasy. In fact, there have been 3 times that I with proper foreplay, lots of touching/kissing/carressing and teasing, I have brought her arousal levels very high. Couple all of that with my whispered fantasies of a man joining us and doing this and this and that - and right when she is over the top horny I say there is a man in the closet or next room....should I ask him to join us? And she says yes. Most times when we are not having sex and we discuss this (MMF) she says she doesnt know if she would ever want to try it in real life. But also acknowledges that during those 3 times, if I had actually had a man there that she would have fucked him. So basically the when and if of this is all up to me and what I decide to do and who I chose to pick.
Now for the problem. Although the idea of picking a man, bringing him to whatever place I chose for it (not our home), guiding his cock into her pussy like I am giving her a gift turns me the fuck on and causes almost daily masturbation sessions from me......it also scares me to death. The fact that she HAS been with so many men is a little bit intimidating. I am no model, dont have the biggest cock, am not the best lover (hell I´m still learning actually), and I bring a moving van full of issues to the table with me. I feel, quite frequently actually, that there is no way I can please her alone for the rest of her life. Knowing this makes my fantasies more serious and intense because it isnt really just fantasy anymore, its what she may NEED in our marraige.
So, I have to ask you ladies for your honest opinions and advice. I do not want to ruin my marraige with this or anything else. And for those of you who are going to advise me to talk to my wife....I have tried a couple times....but with language barriers and cultural communication problems-it always appears I am critisizing her for her past. Which I am not. But I dont have the right words to say this correctly. And since this is MY issue and not hers, I have to deal with it in a way that doesnt cause her anymore pain. I do NOT think she wants to go fuck fuck fuck. But I DO fear that sooner or later she will want to have sex with someone else. Which feeds my fantasies. I think things through and always look for all the bad that could come from any of my decisions, it keeps me from making poor choices. The bad in an MMF is if she becomes into the other guy. I dont want this. So basically the only way this could happen without me feeling my marraige is over is for ME to pick. ME to set it up. ME to get my wife there, unknowing. No relationship. No friendship. Just come in at the right time, have sex and leave. I read in another post where someone said "an intense masturbation session", and that is how I feel about it. I look at him as a sex toy, a nameless plaything that I bring for the purposes of sex and sex only.
I have already contacted a therapist and am waiting for an appointment, so I am not just coming here with all of this. I would love to let my issues go, and I am eagerly awaiting my sessions to start. But I am also seeing a male therapist, and as much as he may think he "knows" about women, I felt I would get more honesty from annonomous women on the internet who have lived a similar life as she has.
Please give me any thoughts you may have on this.
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 01:25 PM
I've slept with what I would consider 'a lot' of men. Until I was 27 the longest relationship I had had was 6 months when I was 16. Basically I didn't have relationships because I had not met anyone with whom I wanted to spend a lot of my time with, and when I did, well, I would be theirs. I never cheated on my boyfriends, I just never found anyone worth investing in for a long time. I'd go out with them a few months and if I didn't feel it was going anywhere I'd end it. Sometimes I got dumped too When I did meet a guy I liked, I spent 5 years with him and did not cheat on him. We broke up in the end because I wanted kids and he didn't, so why waste each others time? I just wish he'd told me that sooner though.
She married you, and she married you for a reason. You have to forget her past in terms of sexual partners. Everyones past is different, but that is what it is, the past. You know how much you have changed from your past, why can she not change from hers either? Keep her happy emotionally, have sex with her often. Hold off on the MMF for now, keep it a fantasy. Work on your trust issues before you even CONSIDER bringing anyone in. There is no way *you* are ready for that, let alone her.
I would suggest start playing with toys, games for foreplay, light b&d (blindfold and a feather or something if you both are comfortable with it), chocolate sauce, oily massages.. there are lots of options before you have to start going to an extreme you are not comfortable with. What she is saying in the heat of the moment is probably just a fantasy, leave it at that. There are lots of other options to explore first to keep it fresh and fun. Go to a sex shop and see what kind of things you would both enjoy to do together.. they have a lot of silly stuff as well as naughtier stuff, and keeping it fun and mixing it up a bit is what will keep her loving it
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 02:01 PM
I've slept with what I would consider 'a lot' of men. Until I was 27 the longest relationship I had had was 6 months when I was 16. Basically I didn't have relationships because I had not met anyone with whom I wanted to spend a lot of my time with, and when I did, well, I would be theirs. I never cheated on my boyfriends, I just never found anyone worth investing in for a long time. I'd go out with them a few months and if I didn't feel it was going anywhere I'd end it.
Thank you for your reply.
Yes it is good that I am seeking therapy. My past comes up alot and I just want to move past it....ALL of it.
You are right that this is my issue, but I disagree in "theory" about her changing from her past. I HAD to change because my lifestyle and behavior was unacceptable in society-and later on to me as well. She didnt do anything wrong in her past. She just lived a life that is very different from what I am accustomed to, and I guess I dont understand alot of it. So even though she has grown up into an incredible woman, I dont really think of it as her "changing" from the way she was. But maybe my mind just plays word games with me about things that dont really matter.
I like the way you explained the men you were with. I had never thought of it that way. And to be honest, this confuses me also. I KNOW who I am and what I have done. We met while I was still in prison. She knows EVERYTHING, including reading the transcripts and watching the video tapes from my trial. I hid nothing from her. And if she was like you, and she never settled down because she never found the "right" man until me, well you can see how my untreated self esteem issues would throw me for a loop
I love this woman very much and really want to grow old with her and have a happy life for both of us. Although I dont believe I will receive a miracle answer on her, it DID make me feel better that I was able to put my thoughts into words that say what I want to say, without tripping over my tongue and being misunderstood. Thank you again for replying.
I have read enough to realize that the MMF thing does in fact destroy relationships, especially when there are issues like mine floating around in the background. I would never want that, and I am satisfied with just the fantasy. My question is because I wonder if this is what she needs. After reading your answer for the 2nd time, I see that just me asking this question is kinda disrespectful to her. Probably why this conversation never ended well. Its just too bad that I couldnt see this before now. There is something about reading your own words and reading what people think of them to help you see your own bullshit.
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 02:38 PM
I would also argue that she will have HAD to change her 'ways' when she entered into a marriage. If I am not mistaken most cultures see marriage as commitment between two people emotionally and sexually. Those cultures I can think of that have slightly different values to most western practices most women are usually virgins before they get married.
The majority of the women you come across are going to have a sexual history, just as you do. Some women would be feeling the same sort of distrust for you having slept with 'less than 20'. For some people, double digit territory is a lot! But regardless, I doubt that your insecurities are going to change with the numbers.
Talk to her about your insecurities. Talk to her about ways to keep it fun and exciting between the two of you, and trust her! You do need to work on that, and I hope you succeed in therapy. If you don't have trust in your relationship it's not going to work.
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 02:43 PM
This post has been edited by Loripop: Sun Jun 06, 2010 02:44 PM
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 03:56 PM
You are dead right, sleeping with alot of people is NOT cheating. Weird thing is, I dont really worry about her "cheating" (as in having a fling or one night stand or whatever.) We actually had a dont ask dont tell agreement when I got out. I had to tell, you see I myself cheated when I was fresh out of prison (we didnt see each other for the first 6 months after my release). We talked alot about it, and for me anyway-it made me KNOW that she was the only woman I ever wanted to be with again. She forgave me and it kinda made our relationship stronger. There was always some question in her mind about what I would do when I got out, and the heartfelt begging to take me back I guess helped ease her mind.
We did the long distance thing for far too long, but during that time-even if I DID sometimes think of her having sex, it didnt feel threatening. A RELATIONSHIP or "friendship" of whatever, now THAT is threatening. Mistakes happen, I am proof of that. Its not a question of loving her "enough" to get past a mistake, its a fear of being "upgraded" for the better model. I dont know, I really wish I would get my appointment already! Its almost like most of my lingering issues comes straight from my own mind and what I think of myself. And if I could just get past the beating myself up stage for the things I have done in the past, then I will be ok. Its not that easy for me though...the more fucked up shit I did the harder it is to see myself the same. As it should be, change doesnt happen in a happy person, it only happens when you dont like certain traits about yourself. This time it is affecting my marraige because we actually live together now and I cant hide behind a phone or computer screen.
One thing that is involved in this too is the fact that I moved to another country to be with her. I have been here 6 months, and I have about 2 weeks left before I get an answer on my visa. Not knowing what is going to happen, where we will live (here or the States), having to do the long distance thing again.....I dont know. The closer I come to this fucking answer, the more stressed out I become and the more irrational my suspicions. And that shit just aint fair to the woman I claim to love. So even though I ramble and my thoughts may even be offensive or irritating to some on here, this actually does help. And who knows, maybe some of the members here have or are going through the same post-release bullshit I am going through.
Oh and for the record, I do not think my wife has or is cheating on me. I dont know if I explained myself right, its confusing even to me. But I dont think that.
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 09:55 PM
Have you asked her if she has had a history of cheating in her past relationships? If she hasn't then why would she start now? Sleeping with all of those guys isn't going to affect her value system in dealing with someone she wants to be in a relationship with. It just means that she has had more of a past then you.
I don't understand why you want to introduce another man into the bedroom when you're worried about her leaving you for another guy. It seems like a set up for failure. Not because of her actually leaving you, but because you're not in the correct state of mind to deal with the aftermath. Sure it might be some great sex... Doesn't seem like it's worth the added tension in your relationship for a few hours of fun.
Instead of all of these extra things in your marriage that you're concentrating on, I think you should be focusing on your future life with her. Where are you going to live? Logistics such as homes, careers, language barriers etc... If both of you aren't building a life together to meet common goals the relationship will end, and you'll not have control over that.
Hopefully you're able to stop beating yourself up for nothing, and move forward together.
Posted Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:14 PM
This is the best line for you to read, ever. Look, no matter what you had as a history, it's irrelevant to how you are now. Try to not put so much weight on it, and realize all the good you have and still can do for yourself and everyone around you. There are a lot of positives I see in your posts, and very few negatives. I don't know you, personally, but I haven't anything negative to say about you, at all. If perfect strangers can't think negatively of you, then you should try not to either.