confidence issues, advice please
Posted Sat Aug 07, 2010 04:10 PM
Posted Sat Aug 07, 2010 04:34 PM
Posted Sat Aug 07, 2010 04:43 PM
Please go to a doctor and tell him/her what you have said here... he/she should understand the situation and put you on some meds that help you. Be patient, the meds don't work overnight and they may need to be adjusted. Keep a journal so that you can tell if you are feeling better.
PM me - long personal history with this and I will help if I can. But you need to see a doctor.
This post has been edited by PrincessofHearts: Sat Aug 07, 2010 04:50 PM
Posted Sat Aug 07, 2010 05:52 PM
it´s hard to make any conclusions from written words but I am inclined to say that we have quite similar personalities (maybe with the difference that I am 34)... Really, I found myself in several points which you wrote. So it is logical that I am not the right person to give you advice on the issues which I have not totally overcome myself, but I will try to mention at least some amateur notes about things which I have found helpful:
-If we feel that we incline to suffer from one extreme of certain quality (e.g. we are extremely careful), it can help if we try to pick up some aspects of the opposite extreme (e.g. carelessness) to find the optimal level of balance. In fact, as far as I remember this advice was given many centuries ago by Aristotle in his Ethics. In your case, I would say that it could help if you tried to be more "selfish". If you feel that you do not deserve something, just take it and be happy with this "undeserved" selfish act. To accept selfishness or selfish motivation may be dangerous in case of some people (intolerant, insensitive, greedy people) while in our case it may be a helpful remedy.
-If you feel that you are not attractive enough for your girlfriend, try to persuade yourself that it is really "her problem". Even if you do not like your appearance or your other qualities, nevermind, people and girls are strange creatures and they may have weird taste, so enjoy all which is offered to you by this "incredible or undeserved" luck.
-nobody is perfect and nobody is perfectly satisfied with themselves even if they may give such an impression... It may help if you try to consciously focus on small details or small imperfections which you could find in other people (your friends, mates, girlfriend etc) and if you see that you and other people may find these "imperfect" people attractive, then it follows that they can also find something attractive in you, even if you do not see it or consider it attractive.
-do not compare yourself with others, especially not with people who seem to be better than you at something. If you need to compare, try to point out your strong points, whatever it may be, and you will see plenty of people who lack your abilities in this field...
-Try not to think in the terms "do I deserve this?" It is a meaningless question and meaningless measure because there is nobody who decides what you deserve or not. No Big Father, No karma, No Strict Teacher or Judge who gives you good things as a reward for your merits. Of course you deserve it, and you deserve even more than you have, many other people have more than you, others have less than you but you deserve all that you can get. Free of charge. No need to pay for anything, no need to deserve your good luck, your girlfriend, your university....
-Try to find the best limits for openness or emotional openness in the relationship - if you feel that she might be scared or turned off by your insecurities or negative emotions, manifestations of low self-worth etc, try not to throw it at her all the time, you can keep it to yourself without being a hypocrite.
-I know that it is hard to get rid of the worries "does she like me? Is she attracted to other men more?" etc... Anyway, we want the ideal answer "yes, she loves me and nobody else is better for her", but even if it was true, we would never be able to find a proof or evidence of this fact, so do not try to look for the evidence for something which cannot be proved (it is logically impossible to prove it, however she tries to assure you). You could find only a negative evidence of the opposite fact (e.g. she would be more attracted to someone else) but this is not what we are looking for, so unless there is some warning signal which might indicate this danger, do not try to analyze this hypothetical possibility.
I am not sure if my words could help you or not, as I say, I am not the healthiest person in these issues as well... But do not feel inferior or ill or "guilty" because you have these personal features (pessimism, insecurity, low self esteem) - nobody has the right to judge us or tell us how we MUST feel - nobody has the right to tell you that "shining happy people" are the "norm" and a positive example which you must follow. I have just read some analysis which claims that totalitarian regimes of the 20th centuries prescribed people what to do and what do say and what to think, now in the 21st century there is a new trend: to prescribe us how to feel..... Do not let yourself become a victim of this new form of oppression.
Good luck to you and take care!!!
This post has been edited by severin: Sat Aug 07, 2010 05:54 PM
Posted Sat Aug 07, 2010 07:33 PM
Maybe it's a regional thing but I do see it. Both sexes respond to visuals, and are affected by those same three qualities you listed. Not equally, no, I'll agree with that, but the difference is mostly negligible. The women rubbing a few out looking through the men's pics aren't getting off on personality.