Long Distance Relationship help
Posted Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:01 AM
Ok i have been doing Long Distance Relationship with my girl friend for 6 moths and have to wait 10 weeks before we get to see each other but we normally get 1 or 2 weeks together after that 10 weeks not so bad i guess. so we have a few problems im not sure if its the distance as well as the problems. just looking for some advice on a few things
1.im really good friends with my ex i broke up with my ex we sorta fall out of love fighting all the time and no one done anything wrong so just broke up stayed friends after 3years. and i dont have feeling for her at all she sorta like a sister to me if that makes since? my new girl friend had her ex cheat on her with his ex girl friend so she thinking im going to do the same thing i guess. my ex live in a another state to me so cant even if i wonted to and i dont. but what happened that really started all the shit was my new girl friend and i had a big fight and i needed some girl advice so went to my ex bad idea cos my ex tryed to help my new gf said that my ex was messing with our relationship made things worse. now my new girl friend said she cant trust me and all this shit. so after that we made up for a few weeks then she was talking to one of her friends and then it was dug up. and we had a 4 day long fight we come up with some rules and i wasnt to clear on them ie:
i can talk to my ex but not about my relationship easy haven't done it
i can talk to my ex just had to tell her but i got confused cos she use to not wanna know and the text she sent me was sorta all over the place and i was guessing what yes, no, and maybes where so now we are fighting over this right now because i didnt tell her cos i got mixed up i said sorry it wont happen agen now i get the rule. she said i lied she ask if i was talking to my ex i said yes i dono how that lieing cos i told the truth i thought it was just a miss understanding now she telling me she sick of having to understand that im fiends with my ex. and sick of me forgeting things only thing i have forgotten for a wile and i wasn't sure what i was meant to be doing. and and cos of all this we are both getting sick of all the fighting sick and the long distance relationship i love this girl so much. i just wanna know any advice you guys and girls??
2.has anyone stayed friends with there ex and how did it go for you and did it affect your new relationship?
3. any tips on long distance relationship and how to make them work?
most the time we are good just been the last mouth after see come to see me its gone down hill. cheers for any advice and sorry if its all confusing thats how it is it my head.
Posted Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:12 AM
so, by you talking to your ex about your relationship, your girlfriend feels betrayed by you, she feels that your ex is hearing things about you two that only you and she should be discussing so i'm right with her there, its nothing to do with your ex and shouldnt be discussed.
Now, make sure you are not running your ex's name past your girlfriend at every opportunity, I def wouldnt like to be in a relationship with someone that is still friends with a recent ex and one that seems to play a big part in his life. i'm friends with many ex's but don't discuss every conversation with them and frankly only have remote conversations with them.
Make sure your girl feels wanted and desired, that she knows how much you miss her and are looking forward to seeing her and most importantly, make time for her and only her.
Send her a handwritten letter or card, a little gift every once in a while, keep things fresh and exciting
Posted Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:25 PM
and yeah u got it spot on with that one but when she explained it to me i got how it was wrong. so i dont say anything to my ex about the relationship it other then good and so far i think im doing the right thing now.
yeah i get what your saying but how can i be with my gf and make her happy but still be friends with my ex? or is that never going to happen? like most the time we talk on fb give each other shit and if she haven guy trouble i give some advice. but thats the biggest part of it. like my ex i dont really think of her as an ex that she more just a friend cos she lived with me after we broke up and she brag a bf home and i was fine with it and he stayed with us for a few weeks hope that put the ex part in prospective. and yeah i try not to talk about her to in found of the new gf. but mum still really good friends with her two so mum like to tell funny story's and my ex is in most of them mum left out the name but the new gf worked it out. and the other fun part is its my 21 in September and my ex is coming as well as my new gf should be fun
and i do that sorta stuff i tell her i love her and send mushy text lol we talk as much as we can i always tell her i miss her and wen she sends pic i tell her how beautiful she is inside and out and mean it all.
cheers Duchess what you have said so far made since
This post has been edited by stiffero1: Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:29 PM
Posted Thu Aug 12, 2010 09:40 PM
soo any advice be helpful
Posted Thu Aug 26, 2010 07:31 AM
I was galavanting about the country the last week and have been so looking forward to getting back onto SF, it is good to be home!
great post with some challenging situations, congratulations on jumping into it and sticking it out so far.
I was in a long distance relationship for nearly 4 years with the woman I ended up getting married to. Was it hard . . . HUGELY but I would not have replaced it for the world.
Firstly with how to make long distance relationships work & what to do to make them strive, survive & thrive. I remember reading for HOURS on the internet searching for long distance relationship hints, tips, advice, suggestions blaa blaa blaa. I remember reading through all of the send love letters, write cards, e-cards, poetry, songs, sexy photo’s, videos and the lists went on & on & on & on.......
Now don't get me wrong as ALL of it was great advice, and all of the suggestion I read about play a crucial part in keeping a long distance relationship alive, fresh and exciting. But after a while I realized that most people (in my opinion) miss the true beauty of long distance relationship and miss place it as a true down side that in a lot of cases causes the eventual death of their romance. The biggest part of a long distance relationship is that it is a fantastic opportunity to converse with your partner. Through physical absence you create a void that you can fill only during specific times of day when your both available for conversation. This instantly creates an energy were your both providing the other with total concentration, presence and availability in a safe environment. This is the perfect stage to get to know your girlfriend better than any one else you have known before. With no T.V, bills, life or even just their sexy physical body that would distact you when you are together long term you are just able to sit and talk. I learnt more about my wife because I longed to talk to her so much while she was always away. I would make so much time to be available for her and when we did talk boy was it intense conversation. Something that is actually much harder to create when your living together or physically present to the other. And then when you finally do get those brief moments (compared to the time apart!) together all you want to do is devote every living second to getting to know each other more and increasing your bonds before being pulled apart once again. So try to enjoy the huge benefit to being apart, if you don't have skype then get it and really spend the time to get to know each other. Trust me if you do end up in a long term live in relationship of some sort there will be many times you will miss the days of the pure intensity of talking on the phone with nothing else to distract you from your conversation. Try to say to yourself every day through our distance we grow stronger and use the time you have apart to build a strong fundamental base to your relationship. Other wise you will let the distance drive a wedge between your hearts and eventually will want something more available and closer!
Secondly as for the ex girlfriend, this is a tricky piece to navigate. It delves so deep into old feelings and wounds. Trust is a tangible part of a long distance relationship of substance but it works both ways. Your current girlfriend obviously has fears, resentment and some wounds because her last boyfriend cheated on her with an ex. It is not fair for one partner to demand trust and not give it, in fact not only is not fair, in the end it does not work! As much as you need to provide trust, she also needs to have some trust in you. Her expecting you to simply cut out all contact with your ex is unrealistic and placing a huge expectation on you that in time you could easily come to feel as control. If that is what happens you will try to sneak contact with your ex which will seem worse, or you will just attract in some one far worse than your ex to replace the traits she is currently representing in your dynamic.
She needs to be able to tell you clearly were her issues are with your relationship with your ex so you can deal with them constructively together, give you a chance to directly re-assure her on the issues etc... You need to be able to communicate that she is more important than your ex and as you talk about things together over a period of time you will most likely find that you will lose contact with your ex as her traits (giving girl advice, friendship, intimacy etc...) are replaced by girlfriend with your strengthening relationship in a way that is natural and will not leave either of you feeling resentful.
That being said, ex's are always hard because like it not we have always got extra baggage with ex's even if we do not want to admit. To be honest if you really want this girl I would limit conversation and exposure to your ex as much as possible. I lost a lot of friends, and so did my wife, after we got married because we realized there were just some certain people in our lives that took a certain part of us away when we were in contact with them. I will try to explain my theory as best I can (hopefully I don't bore people). It is like we all have a bag of coins we carry around, I am going to term them interaction tokens because that seems to fit. When we interact we open up our bag and offer certain combination of these tokens to people gauging on how secure we feel and how much we enjoy their company. Some one we meet down the street in a shop for the first time and obviously do not know at all and will most likely never meet again we don't offer any tokens at all and they don't get to know us at all and they do not offer us any of their tokens. An acquaintance or work friend we may offer a couple of our tokens, lets name them for fun something like our friendly atmosphere giver token and joke telling token. The more we know, trust and like people the more tokens we offer and inversely the more they get to know us and more tokens they offer, best friends and family obviously rate high and get a bunch of our tokens and so we work our way up the scale of the people we know. Eventually you have your spouse who over time you will offer all your tokens to and they will come to rely on them as they know all these pieces as the you they truly love. But here is the problem (and the point to this explanation) lets say you and your spouse live together and one of your old school friends comes around, your partner has meet him a couple of times and he seems nice but he is in no way high enough up her scale to rate in any more than a couple of tokens of hers. But you have known him for ages so he easily gets 45% of your tokens. Well we only have one of every token and so in order to interact on a level you are used to with this old school friends you have to withdraw these tokens from your spouse and then give them to your friend. When he leaves he gives them back to you and then they are available to give them back to her. When this happens (and your on the end of being the person who loses the tokens) it is like a piece of your partner just becomes unavailable or they turn into someone you feel you do not know. It makes you jealous, feel out of place, feel unwanted, a third wheel etc...
IF you deal with these people who take a lot of your interaction tokens away on a regular basis it is only a matter time before your partner will resent your relationship with them. You might have a lot of interaction tokens invested in your ex by the sound of your relationship, and your current girlfriend does not need to be around to see you interact to feel how many tokens your ex has. I felt this exact way so often when my wife would talk with old friends or boyfriends.
But it is not all loss, there is a way to turn the tables. As your relationship grows you start to combine your piggy bank of interaction tokens together, until instead of having separate tokens you only share joint ones. Then people you met you met as a couple, or people who see you as a couple get your joint interaction tokens and they in return share their tokens to you both equally and it avoids the feelings that were originally caused. This is why we lost friends in the end, there where people who we either did not share joint tokens with or did not want to share their tokens with us jointly. In other words the feeling of being left out during interactions was unavoidable as they did not see us as together (they only really wanted to interact with a singl individual within our relationship) or we did not really see them as some one we shared as a joint friend.
If your ex is never going to be one of the people who you feel will share equal interaction tokens with you and your girlfriend, then truthfully I feel you may be best to stop interactions with her and allow someone with whom you can share the tokens you have already started to compile as joint ones with your girlfriend and you will find she will be less aggressive to the friendship.
I hope this was not to confusing, It is the first time I have tried to explain the theory me and my wife went through, we discussed it at length but it is hard to put into tangible terms.
Hope it all works out
Posted Thu Aug 26, 2010 05:11 PM
Posted Wed Sep 01, 2010 09:10 AM
cheers good to see it can be done sorta what i needed to here.
Posted Wed Sep 01, 2010 09:17 AM
yeah it has then got bad i will say something in a min. yeah i sorta do but hard cos sometimes hard to talk things out.and we only got 3 ways to talk it out phone call that dont work cos we can both talk better on msn or text cos we can think about things and other to are msn and text so yeah neutral as we going to get
cheers for the advice keep it comeing
Posted Wed Sep 01, 2010 09:38 AM
ok so when i started talking to my gf she had a bf i was just talking to her as a friend i was not trying to get with her then i started to like her and her bf at the time was being mean and treating her bad and just useing her so i was she started to like me and i liked her back then we fell for each other. then i couldnt do it anymore because she had a bf and i didnt wanna get my hart broken so i said i was going to stop talking to her so i could get my feeling in cheak then she broke up with her bf to go out with me.
7 mouths later now
she told me the other day that she went to the movies with her friends when we first started going out with me for week into it. she really meet up with her ex to try and work things out and he had his arm around her and keeped trying to kiss her and stuff. she said she keeped moving her head then when she was waiting for her mum to pick her up he kissed her but at first she said she kissed back but then the next day talking about it she said she didnt. i dono what to bileave.
so now i dono if i can trust her talking to guys and stuff. i dono what to do any advice do yous think it was a one time thing and the fact she told me means she wont do it agen. or is it a sine to not trust anything she told me and she could be doing all sorta stuff behind my back. i dono what to think all i know is the lieing is way worse then the kiss ever was. sooo.....
Posted Wed Sep 08, 2010 06:30 PM
For instance, I've been in long-distance arrangements, and the one thing I refuse to do is promise that I won't talk to or be with or have sex with another woman. You talk about being apart for a few weeks; I have gone 6, 7 months without seeing my lady. After that much time, monogamy becomes celibacy, and I won't lie to her and say I'm going to be asexual for that long.
Some women say they want to know every move you make. My lady said very clearly that she felt no need to hear about everything that goes on when we're apart. I agreed, with one exception: when something happens that could threaten our physical health (i.e. unprotected sex) or the health of our relationship (falling in love, instead of just sexual relief).
As a result, when we see each other again, we celebrate being together, rather than asking for a list of our separate activities.
Such an arrangement requires honesty and trust, and genuine consideration for your lover. You must believe that each of you can go and do whatever you want, with whomever you want, and yet you choose to be with one another.
And faithfulness is not the absence of choice- it's about making the honest choice, the choice that's really right for you.
Posted Mon Oct 25, 2010 03:32 PM
You say that she's not thrilled that you still talk to your ex- and would probably be upset if you told her about it. You also say that she hung out with a group that contained her ex-, and you're not thrilled about that either. The ex- issue is something that you're going to need to talk about eventually. If you can't work it out, it could tear your LDR apart because there isn't the level of trust that neither of you will cheat that there should be if you're going to be successful at staying together.
Posted Sat Nov 13, 2010 08:50 AM
well we had a really big fight then we talked everything out so we are ok now and she took the time to lison and understand and explain things to me better then she use to i think its almost what we needed
Posted Thu Dec 02, 2010 06:25 PM
I'm sorry this happened. Long distance relationships can be very difficult to maintain long-term.